Matters of the Heart (continued)

It's taken me a while to get here to the point where I'm writing out the remainder of this post. I can't say there isn't an amount of dread in my gut, due to what I'm about to reveal...but here goes.

I woke up this morning, crying. I was just inconsolable. It took me a couple of hours before I psyched myself into getting out of bed. Snot running down my face, I look in the mirror, my eyes are swollen. I can't stand my reflection.

The night before I went to bed, I spent a significant amount of time before the mirror thinking: 'Why aren't you an attractive little thing, you...'

See why this would be absolutely...strange?

There seems to be a great disconnect between what goes on in my heart, what's happening to me and logic. I am a single mother. My husband left me. I'm raising this child by myself in strange Cow Town, and I have some support. I'm not COMPLETELY alone.

Often, I can psych myself into pushing my body and mind to the limit, if I have to get things done. I pride my ability to do just that, because it allows me to get things done. If I was left to my own devices and if I didn't have Lilo in my life, I would have given up a long time ago.

I've pushed myself into moving beyond Mitch but I've hit a block. I find myself now unable to grow...in love. I can't...feel anything beyond a growing sadness and inability to enjoy...

I'm not explaining well. I knew I would have a lot of trouble doing so. Instead, here are some facts:

When I met ND, I wasn't looking for anything other than a feel-good date and I really didn't know what I was going to find when I met him. I found a friend. Our carnal compatibility is tops, he's someone I can relax with, someone who makes me laugh. A friend in honesty, through arguments, a good guy he is. And I can see all his qualities, good and bad and I know that this is someone I see myself knowing for the rest of my life.

We've been spending time together 'without clause' for more than a month now, since I realized that after the termination of my pregnancy this past December, I've had troubles relating to him...so we broke up. I was angry at myself, I hated Mitch and I, at that point, didn't want to see ND anymore. I'm not sure what/how I feel about it now, other than empty with a hint of bitter taste in my mouth.

I don't seem to be able to connect with him on a romantic level anymore. My sex drive is a funny thing right now. It's just...not there.

And it seems like lately I have to run this self-mantra of gratitude (not the Tvameva Mata) through my head and that's literally the only thing holding me together:

I have a roof over my head,
food in my fridge,
cat at my feet,
baby in my lap
All my basic needs are met
I need no more

And I tell myself that I'm happy. I practice happy. I hit the pipes and I sing and dance ( well perhaps not lately, but I used to) and tell myself everything is going to work out fine.

I reason with myself on the topic of Mitch, I'm doing all I can to convince myself to keep my eyes open...and I'm not naive anymore. I know Mitch only caters to one's needs and those are his own. He would turncoat as often as he can to get what he wants, he is in no way trustworthy. And for that I berate myself for getting myself attached to someone like him.

I think at the point where we met I was looking for a mate, I was in a different country, faces flashing, one night stands, crushes, insecurity...I just wanted a friend. And I met him and it was amazing, beautiful, my heart was filled with so much love and peace.

And I made the mistake of associating that peace with HIM. But he didn't bring that feeling in me, that feeling was there all along.

Because I stopped looking, I found what I wanted and I was pleased. Once you're pleased you stop wanting. Once the need is quenched...you feel bliss?

Well, I thought I'd found my soul mate!

Now I have Lilo and she's sublime. But once she's down for the night, I'm alone. And I'm a hermit by nature, so I like alone. It was hard to get used to when Mitch first left me because we were always by each other's side. But now...I tell myself I like it.

I don't know what or how to fix what's bothering me. I woke up this morning and I couldn't stop crying. Fuck, even when I'm with ND, when we're locked in mid embrace I find it incredibly difficult to feel anything. No matter what's happening...I just lie there and it's all I can do not to cry. I wondered why it felt like all of a sudden I've stopped being in love with him ( because I was, for a while there) and I realized it had to do with the abortion.

And perhaps that last bit of me that won't let go of Mitch ...I'm not sure... I don't know what's wrong.

I try to talk to ND about it but he's not really receptive to what he probably perceives as whining. But this whining concerns him, I tell myself, why doesn't he care? Well why should he? He's got himself a pretty decent arrangement right here, we're seeing each other without 'the relationship clause'.

Hell I'm sure even Mitch wouldn't have run away if I didn't have all those pesky expectations of him.

OR ND doesn't want to talk because he's aware that I love him, but I'm not in love with him.

And love is a decision. Just like Mitch decided not to 'love' me anymore, as he so often points out, I decided a while back that I did not have any interest in opening myself to someone the way I did with Mitch.

I don't want to do that ever again, no matter how many appealing qualities they might possess, or how much pressure I get from my mother to date healthy, promising guys so that one day I might 'settle' for them.

I have a young daughter and I'm not about to get with any creep just because he can pay the bills. I'm well aware that some dudes just target the single moms...so they can get to their children. Not to mention, imagine waking up next to someone, and having to convince yourself each morning, for the rest of your life, that you are happy in that situation and that you are grateful for all the material possessions you now have access to.

I guess that's what Mitch went through. Not sure, just guessing.

And hey, I'm aware that by doing so I'm creating complexes that would make quite unpleasant any attempts from anyone to break down my walls. But that's the whole point. I don't want to share that part of myself anymore. Maybe that's why sex just seems so mechanical lately.

Perhaps this decision has my subconscious mourning the slow death of that part of myself, that was so willing and eager to forge a life with someone else.

I see myself living a happy life with Lilo, surrounding myself with good, healthy, whole people. I want to get to a point where I don't want that aspect of life anymore. I plan to, instead, focus on my spiritual growth. I have plans to go to India, New Zealand, perhaps Tibet, and study under wise people. I'm currently planning on opening a little cleaning business, to start saving up for Lilo and I and travels. If I can look in the mirror and love who I see, without some fucking man fouling up my space, should be proof enough that I don't need one for anything other than the random hook up to satisfy sexual hunger.

As I get older and everyone around me is on their second or third spouse, may my resolve hold strong. Because Lilo might end up having children, or not. I would adopt, if I had enough funds. I want to hold my granchild(ren) and be at peace with the knowledge that I've led a good life, I've helped as many people as I could and that would make me happy.

Another man means more children, the huge risk to end up alone again with more mouths to feed not to mention what kind of beast that man would turn out to be if I have to fight him for custody. The best thing that ever happened to me, it seems, was marrying an incompetent man.

As someone who's had plenty of run-ins with unpleasant men my whole life, I'm surprised it's taken me this long to come to this conclusion. Kudos to the ladies who have convinced themselves that the man they're with is worth the effort, but I've concluded that it's not for me to have to bend over backwards to please some man's ego...and I would rather not subject them to my neediness.

And my mind is at peace with the thought of spending the rest of my life devoting my time to my daughter, my art and my causes. Now, my heart just needs to follow.

I remember other loves. They seem so unlikely now, but at the times of their demise, my pain was also great. If they are nothing but clouds of smoke now, I'm sure the memory of Mitch is soon to start fading away.

And I'm pretty sure he's not going to show up in Calgary.
The man's a coward. Always been.