What could be, what should be, what would be

I love my daughter the most when she is lying in her crib, desperately trying to stay awake, gnawing on her finger, her favorite pastime. Her curly hair is in messy pigtails and she's got crusted cinnamon and boogie on her face. At that moment I can't help but go 'what have I done to deserve such a beautiful little girl'...

And it's cheesy, and I know it. But the fact remains is, sometimes I'm utterly amazed to have her in my life. And I know some respond to this feeling by spoiling their kids and that's not good. Few may attempt to have a deeply spiritual connections with them. I want to teach my daughter so much, yet I know so little...

On a tangent, I was just thinking the other day, that since I enjoy lecturing my head off ( much to ND's dismay) perhaps I could teach Ethics 101 to kids in high school. Wouldn't it be nice, having kids know the difference between right and wrong...because some of the shit I'm hearing out of teenagers' mouthes now a days is scaring the living daylights.

I know I'm an idealist ...or so they say. I want to live in a world where child safety is worth more than the accruement of material possession, an emphasis is placed on healthy child development and tough laws are passed to punish those who would jeopardize those goals.

I truly believe the despicable state of morals today are a result of our parents and forefathers' engulfing greed and that the increase in sociopathic tendencies has everything to do with the emphasis placed on money.

Let me insert a few generalizations in this dialogue: Our world is going to hell because of money. Men and women today are finding it increasingly difficult to engage in healthy emotional relationship because an example of such a thing was so rare in their childhood. Yuppies in the eighties were too busy trying to win in a capitalist society to spend time with their kids. Marriage is a joke, people view each other, their children, their families as possessions, pop culture is imprinting young adults with unhealthy concepts and in the midst of all this madness...
 
It's Lilo and I and my idea of a perfect world that could never be, dreams that so far seem impossible to achieve.

Then there's hopelessness, the other side of the spectrum. There's giving up, there's letting the reality of things suck my ability to enjoy life, allow it to deprive Lilo and I from a healthy life, a good life. I know we've got odds stacked against us, but I've never let those get to me. But lately, lately it seems like there's no end to the shit parade. Is it crazy that I expect the world to change? I know I can't make to much of a difference in the grand scheme of things but what about the difference I can make on those things I can affect...more specifically the type of life my daughter and I live?

I keep lying here on my dirty living room floor, thinking I can be Superman. In fact, it's something I've done my whole life. It seems like lately, lately reality just keeps pulling me down from the clouds and the shock of it is too great, I often feel like I can't handle it...

Then I look at Lilo and I get a glimpse of the amazing, the divine, perhaps. Children are born angelic, then slowly and surely the world changes them. Their innocence is forced out of them and they become adults, some more rotten than others, then they are either struck down by death or they wither and grow old, but soon enough, they are turned to dust. And what happens after that?

I like to speculate. On my worst day I fail to see the reason for a God, but on those beautiful days, when I'm entranced by the beauty of my daughter, I dare believe in a higher power...orchestrating or simply standing by and watching, something I'm deeply bitter about. Why do nothing when everywhere the most innocent of us are slaughtered, and denied life? Why does he allow injustices to be carried? A part of me wants to believe life is meant to shape us, and isn't that what God supposedly is, the Ultimate Sculptor?

Still I believe in a world where compassion, faith and truth are what motivates us to be. Not money. Not the accumulation of material possession. If I could live off the smile on Lilo's face, I would.

So I tell myself, I would live off the land, I can just feed my daughter and I and that's all I would care for. How do I do that though? The thought of working for a corporation makes me sick, but that's what we human beings are trained for in the Western world, how to be part of the rat race, how to deepen the pockets of the few at the top of the food chain.

And those who seek to work outside of that pyramid often get fucked over by the corporate pigs (see Monsento ruining independent farmers or forcing them into financial slavery)...yet I'm still sitting here with my head halfway through the clouds, and I waiver, between wanting that perfect life away from today's expectations and hopelessness.

I want to keep dreaming for the rest of my life. No matter what happens to my physical body I want to keep hoping that one day, justice would triumph over greed.

I know I'm an idealist, or so they say, but one day, I dream of my daughter and I living on a farm somewhere. I'll be a writer and that's how we'll keep paying the little bills we have. We'll live on land she and my grandchildren would own. Not enough to encourage greed in their heart, but enough for me to know that they would always have a place they can call home. And we'll have veggies and chickens, goats and ladybugs, internet and hemp. I would home-school her and we would share wisdom. I would knit while she runs after Elvis.

I'll keep a large caliber rifle to discourage anyone who thinks it is within their right to infringe on our freedom. And when she's older, I'll cry if she decides to go explore the big bad world, thinking it holds the key to the void in her heart and I would be left alone, to pursue Nirvana if I so please.

There's no place for a man in my idea of a perfect life. And I know that's been a source of strife between ND and I. But I just can't bring myself to imagine a future with a husband by my side...I feel like I've been there, done that, and while he's a good man and possesses all the qualities that would make some woman the luckiest one out there, I don't see it for myself.

Perhaps I'm scared, I know I am, to be hurt again, I know I would be. But preventing what could, what should what would happen is what my mind obsesses on lately.

Actually, that and the Kitchen Aid Mixer I wish to acquire to make bread baking much much easier.