Going back to work

Yesterday when I started up this post, I was eating a scrumptious salad : lettuce, boiled eggs, avocado, radish, tomato, cucumber and soy bean sprouts (the only way I like my soy, nevermind that juice they try to pass off as milk), caesar dressing, the whole thing drizzled with hemp seed oil and drops of Maggi seasoning. My tummy was very happpy. It's been trying to reach me lately, to complain about the lack of care I've given my body over the past year.

Yesterday, I weighed in at 136 pounds. Last time I weight that low, I was 13. I didn't know whether I was glad or mad that I've been losing weight again. The accumulation of stress over the past two years has been doing a number to my appetite and digestive system. I've been eating poorly and my bowels have been diligent in letting me know that they are NOT HAPPY. Pepto Bismol has become an inseparable companion, as I've had to carry a bottle wherever I go, just in case I get their theme song becomes a reality for me: some nausea, no heart burn thank god, an upset stomach for days and always, always diarrhea.

My body finally felt it necessary to have a private convo with my mind, something that rarely takes place. It let it know that it has offered me 21 years of great service. I've always had energy to tap into when I pushed myself beyond the limit, when I strained in the snow pushing Lilo, her oversized stroller, and heaps of groceries, back when I was car-less. It has not let me down willingly, but the worsening of seemingly harmless illnesses like the cold I had a month and a half ago definitely has to do with my immune system being compromised. Why? I don't sleep well, I rarely eat.

Take good care of me and I would take good care of you.

Which is why I'm munching on a slice of homemade bread with a crap load of avocado on it. My tummy is satisfied..I kinda ruin the healthy chow-a-thon yesterday by adding Oreos to the mix...just the cookies, I hate the white cream in the middle. In return, my tummy didn't give me explosive diarrhea. The more we work together, the happier we'll be!

I'm not the only one in this household to struggle with irritable bowels: Elvis herself requires a 'healthy' dose of Hemp Seed Oil on her dry cat food to keep her fur on a one way track, right out the pooper. Ever since I've adopted this method of soothing her hairball problem, she's becoming increasingly more loving. I'm touched.

ARGH! It feels like for the past two months I've heard nothing but blood flowing to my ears, I was so frustrated...so tense...

Knotted back, migraines back to back: STRESSED!

And the descent of my temperance, as always, causes a rise in my cranky-meter. I was getting into really hating the world and the meat-bags polluting it and just hating the situation I was in, the people who continue to antagonize me...

Part of it had to do with me increasing my hemp/good food/meditation intake. I was able to appreciate my daughter more and I feel like in the past two weeks we've bonded even more...I've felt intense guilt when I got so sick with my daily migraines that I had little to no patience for her. I spanked, I yelled. But always, always cuddled afterwards.

The terrible twos have arrived early for Lilo, Elvis and I. And it is quite a challenge. To be patient. To remain gentle. To not LOSE MY FUCKING MIND.

Not to mention, Lilo going off to daycare is leaving me very very unhappy. Starting Monday, I would only get to see my daughter 4 hours a day...if I'm lucky. We're going to have to start waking up at 6, instead of our usual 7-8-9, and she has to be in her daycare by 7 am, and I have to be at work by 7:30 or 8, depending on the day...not to mention, some days might see me working until 7pm, I've been warned, but her daycare closes at 6pm, so I have to recruit a few people to be able to go pick her up by closing time, or I'm going to be charged.

It's stressful indeed. ND has offered...and I agreed because I have no other choice. I'm not worried about Lilo's safety with him, yet I am. It's just something that's never going to go away: the fact that I don't trust her with anyone else than me. I'm also about to ask a friend in the building if she could do it too, just in case he's incapacitated. I should solicit Mitchell's aunt's help as well. Just so I've got my ass covered.

I can't wait until it starts actually getting better. I know it already is. I'm getting ready to be fully, financially, independent from anyone and it's what I've always wanted. In the process I fear I'm about to lose that beautiful, special bond I have with my daughter and that is causing me a great deal of pain.