Another Sob Fest

Given the sorry state of my personal life, I've made it a habit to people watch while I'm working. My thoughts range from who'll fuck, who'll fuck with a paper bag on their heads, to...simple, G-Rated people watching.

Ah, this person has beautiful kids! Oh what a cute baby, I wish mine was still that small.

Oh a married couple. They're probably so happy together, look at them giggle! One couple walked in cracking up. They leaned on each other as he joked on and on about how hungry he was. My heart ached. I felt pathetic, ashamed and incredibly alone. At one point I thought I might start crying.

Because I'm an idiot. I feel...like an idiot. I'm like the black Bridget Jones, same dumpy body, same giant panties minus the physical comedy.

As a matter of fact, this is how I plan on spending my birthday evening(coming up in 3 days), since I'm working all day .

I want to be divorced already. I went to the Parenting after Separation seminar...or whatever the fuck that shit-fest was. Before I arrived to the courthouse I told a friend who had helped me out by taking care of Lilo: "I feel like I'm going to have an angry fit or cry. I haven't decided which one it is just yet..."


There I was, sitting in a room full of grumpy looking people, watching really bad actors reenact what looked like a typical divorce's fight...

I had to run out of that one. The tears won.

I drove to Planet Organic to get myself something to eat. I love their deli. But when I lived behind it I rarely ever went. Perhaps it's because I was depressed, I didn't want to walk outside...I was cold. I got a large Quinoa salad. It was delicious...wished it had more cranberry.

I didn't want to start puking again (nervous habit I've just developed...god I'm such a drama queen).

I've been depressed for a really long time. Sometimes I have to take a pause and wonder how the hell I keep on pushing myself, even though I reached my limit a LONG TIME AGO...but I already know the answer to that question.

It's Lilo. It seems like she's given me a reason to keep on fighting. I thought I was a goner the day I decided to drop out of the semester and take a break. I knew I had Mitch and that was it. Then she came along...my baby girl...sigh. Smile...

You know, perhaps the only reason why I pursued him was because I wanted my daughter to have the father that I didn't really have. Oops. I said it, didn't I? Daddy issues...so prevalent in this society, isn't it?

I think I met my future self at the Calgary Dollar Potluck.

Single mom.

Half Caucasian child...she was brown.

I jokingly thought "Hey there should be a club for 'non-whites chicks screwed over by white men because of their race'!"

Right there's a great argument against interracial dating, by the way.

You could tell she used to be beautiful. A bit on the heavy side, though. Looked like she never remarried. I don't know what it was about meeting her that just depressed the shit out of me. We had a good little chat actually. We were trading stories about our financial troubles while her child ran about, tired little Lilo was whining into my shoulders and suddenly, anxiety engulfed me: " THIS IS IT? IS THIS THE REST OF MY LIFE???"

I'm freaking out. I have to change my situation, and I'm working hard on it, on being self reliant...hell I'm almost a complete loner but I'm also trying to reach out to good souls, hoping that I might be soon enough able to surround Lilo and I with a lot of good people.

Ir takes a village to raise the child of a single mother. I don't have much of a support system. I'm afraid if I open the doors too wide a predator might slip in.

So I commit myself to loneliness. I self-medicate with painting, singing, sewing, 'gardening', admiring my precious little girl, eating, eating, eating, having fun with mah self, ya know...

I distract myself with House marathons and a secret online addiction after Lilo's gone to bed and her sunshine can no longer keep the clouds away, I stuff my face during midnight binges...Pain management, I know...

I rack my brain trying to figure a way to move past this wall of pain, days fly by but everything moves so slow inside of my 'feelings box'.

But seeing other couples, definitely is the worst. How could I have been so blinded by some irrational, brain reaction? What was I thinking? Am I that much a slave to my libido? Why did I believe so much in him? Why him?

When am I getting over this thing? When do I gain back control over my emotions? How can I make sure this never happens again?

I want Lilo and I to live a simpler kind of life and surround our selves with happier people, simpler people. I can't take any more of this fuckery.