Convalescent whining

I can feel the cold creeping in from the cracks...of the sliding door frame. Summer is over and I barely lived it. I can also feel another chill emanating from my bones. This blanket is doing nothing to make me feel warm.

I hate my life. I hate working away from Lilo. I hate having to still suffer calls from my ex, suffer his drowning neediness while I'm left dealing with the consequences of my naivete...

It doesn't hurt as much as it used to, but pain still echoes in my chest cavity, deeper and deeper each time I have to deal with another stab from him. I'm almost empty now. I don't really cry about it anymore. I just feel empty. Jaded...

Then, then of course I had to deal with another fucking tirade from my parents about Jesus and how he was going to beat me into submission if I don't start believing in him-FOR FUCK'S SAKE the one time I actually pick up the phone thinking that I miss my parents and I reach out to hear their voices they reaffirm the reason why I left in the first place. I can't deal with their delusions about a god that does not exist. A god they know I don't believe in.

Never have, really.

I'm still lying in bed like a wounded animal. I lie here dreading tomorrow and what it brings. I don't give a fuck about anyone's expectation of me...just the ones I have of myself. I don't give a fuck about money. Never have, so why start now? Don't have much of it. Probably never will.

Tough.

I miss the tenderness I used to have for my daughter. Now it's just work-induced exhaustion and barely contained exacerbation when I'm dealing with her. Another childhood robbed, another child institutionalized, another single parent having to deal with the unfairness of life...and I wonder why, why did it not occur to me when I convinced myself, quite happily, that he was a good idea-WHY didn't I take a second to think, think for a small second: NONE OF WHAT YOU'RE EXPERIENCING HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH FATE AND FUCK YOU FOR WATCHING TOO MANY DISNEY MOVIES, ITS HORMONES! NOTHING MORE! Nothing more.

So what? What's next? Watching my untapped abilities slowly wither and disappear, awkward visitations with the ex, probably more fighting concerning Lilo though I don't see him ever obtaining custody (the only other positive result of this fiasco, apart from Lilo), praying to whatever fucking floating powers that be that he keep his future relationships out of Lilo and I's live and if he gets unbearable I should probably plan to move out of Canada.

I hate myself for having gotten involved with that thing. I really, truly, hate myself right now. And the truth is, I've lost all faith in my self and my ability to make my dreams come true.

I am just tired. And I'm forced to go through the motion until another animal thinks it's within his rights to take my life or old age, disease or a good ol' fashion apocalypse finally lays me to rest.