I've been de-cluttering. I find the activity extremely satisfying, when I've got the energy for it. Lately I just want to sleep. Funny, I was told I'm awakening, coming into my power, but all I ever want to do is sleep. However, my body is still answering its 7am wake up call. I've got a pretty freaky ability to sense time when I'm sleeping and always wake up when I need to. I can't remember the last time I've overslept recently.
Except in school, but I didn't want to go to class so that made sense. At the same time I didn't want to work, but I knew I had to, and my body clock was on the dot, constantly. Now, I'm just trying to rebuilt a healthy relationship with my body after this crazy year of full on exhaustion and back to back illnesses. It has been trying to communicate to me for months now that it was pretty unhappy about my work schedule and the non-stop exposure to viruses and now, I'm trying to find an even ground. I eat a lot as of late, but I'm also constantly exhausted.
The rush of emotion that is constantly drowning me, damn...makes me feel like I'm on the brink of losing my mind but at the same time sadness, and absolute disgust fills me whenever I focus too much on the negative aspects of my life, which have taken over everything. I cleanse my body, I smudge, I listen to music for long hours, I allow myself to relax with Lilo. It's been a challenge, since she's developed on the side and all I've done this past year is notice how much she's grown, wondering when and how she learned the words she did. I have to potty train her and I'm a little...frustrated. Today though, she has diarrhea. So there was poop everywhere, had to bathe her and clean so much shit I nearly puked. I have to learn about all the new quirks she's developed. It feels like I've been absent in her life, as if I don't really know her anymore.
I'm wadding through dark sludge and my head feels like it's about to explode. Emotionally, I feel just as I did on that road when I lost all sense of direction: fed-up, burned out, confused...but I'm finally numbing out. Scabbing. If I visualize flaking all that crassness away I feel better. I don't need to be lied about, I don't need to be lied to. I've got a pretty good idea of where I want to go emotionally and mentally and I'm trying to focus on that. Right now, I feel as if I'm in a fog.
I'm going to have to fight against this lethargy since I have a lot to do. I'm reattempting my journey on Thursday. I might be able to get my taxes quickly. I need to sell my bed and take a lot of our stuff to a thrift store. As for the furniture, I wish there was a place we could dump all of these things in. And people would just pay a reasonable fee (to cover those keeping everything in order) and that's it. I refuse to think numbers because I know I'm fucked in that sense, but whatever, whatever...
I'm just blown away by how fucking psycho this whole thing is and I want to be there already. I'm tired of dwelling on things I can't change.I'm tired of feeding trolls. I'm tired of not really knowing what the fuck I'm talking about anymore, there's nothing left to say, really.
Except in school, but I didn't want to go to class so that made sense. At the same time I didn't want to work, but I knew I had to, and my body clock was on the dot, constantly. Now, I'm just trying to rebuilt a healthy relationship with my body after this crazy year of full on exhaustion and back to back illnesses. It has been trying to communicate to me for months now that it was pretty unhappy about my work schedule and the non-stop exposure to viruses and now, I'm trying to find an even ground. I eat a lot as of late, but I'm also constantly exhausted.
The rush of emotion that is constantly drowning me, damn...makes me feel like I'm on the brink of losing my mind but at the same time sadness, and absolute disgust fills me whenever I focus too much on the negative aspects of my life, which have taken over everything. I cleanse my body, I smudge, I listen to music for long hours, I allow myself to relax with Lilo. It's been a challenge, since she's developed on the side and all I've done this past year is notice how much she's grown, wondering when and how she learned the words she did. I have to potty train her and I'm a little...frustrated. Today though, she has diarrhea. So there was poop everywhere, had to bathe her and clean so much shit I nearly puked. I have to learn about all the new quirks she's developed. It feels like I've been absent in her life, as if I don't really know her anymore.
I'm wadding through dark sludge and my head feels like it's about to explode. Emotionally, I feel just as I did on that road when I lost all sense of direction: fed-up, burned out, confused...but I'm finally numbing out. Scabbing. If I visualize flaking all that crassness away I feel better. I don't need to be lied about, I don't need to be lied to. I've got a pretty good idea of where I want to go emotionally and mentally and I'm trying to focus on that. Right now, I feel as if I'm in a fog.
I'm going to have to fight against this lethargy since I have a lot to do. I'm reattempting my journey on Thursday. I might be able to get my taxes quickly. I need to sell my bed and take a lot of our stuff to a thrift store. As for the furniture, I wish there was a place we could dump all of these things in. And people would just pay a reasonable fee (to cover those keeping everything in order) and that's it. I refuse to think numbers because I know I'm fucked in that sense, but whatever, whatever...
I'm just blown away by how fucking psycho this whole thing is and I want to be there already. I'm tired of dwelling on things I can't change.I'm tired of feeding trolls. I'm tired of not really knowing what the fuck I'm talking about anymore, there's nothing left to say, really.
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