New Moon

We arrived in Nelson yesterday evening. The drive had been long, but overall, pretty uneventful. The car is still functional...except for that little wobble, but it's always been there really. Lilo slept for most of the ride, her mouth hanging almost comically the whole way, ah ah. I wished I'd taken a picture.

This time we took the more scenic route, going down the Banff-Windermere Parkway, then through Radium. As much as I love our raggedy car, I do admit the whole ride was a bit nerve-racking. And I did grow a little irate when more and more SUVs and trucks kept passing me. Well la-di-da, good on you for having winter tires, not all of us can afford it.

I drove into town with a migraine. So I barely managed to grab some milk and bananas from the Co-op/organic store on Baker Street before having to retire for the night. I'll postpone my rant about organic food prices for another post. I finally crashed into bed, exhausted. I've been sick for a month at this point, and my lymph nodes are the size of testicles. My appetite is zero...but I had a bit of sushi and a little bit of soup before we retired.

Still, it took me a while before I was able to fall asleep. I felt overwhelmed. I hate moving. I am so tired of moving. I am so tired of looking for a place to belong in. I am so tired of not being able to trust the people who I'm supposedly able to trust. I love my family but we couldn't be near each other. I thought I'd found love, but I fell in a nest of snakes. I realize, however, that this little beautiful jewel and I form a little unit, and it eases the pain, but we need people we can trust, our own little love tribe. I wonder if this is where I'm going to find it.

I feel like this is the end of the line, I can't foresee what would happen if I fall through the cracks here. Uncertainty resides in my heart. And I'm scared, but tired of the anxiety constantly overwhelming me. I need real help instead of attracting people who would purposely disadvantage me just so I can be a slave to them. I'm tired of that on a financial level, job level, emotional level. I've had enough of people taking advantage of what I can do for them. WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU DO FOR ME? I'm stuck in a world with backward values, backward morals. I'm sick. I'm disgusted. This is probably the reason why I haven't been able to keep anything down for weeks.

I don't know if I can't afford this city, it looks like one of those trust-fund hippie holes, towns designed for the rich to retire and seclude themselves in ridiculous, over-sized houses perched on the hills ( since I grew up in ridiculous over-sized houses, I don't know if saying this makes me a hypocrite ) and from the housing flyers I've peeked at, I don't know how the fuck any of these people can afford to live here. Actually I do, and so do you, you just have to guess it.

However, the town is beautiful, no doubt. The hills, the hills! It's insane! My thoughts of commuting by bike flew straight out of the window when I peeked at the landscape. Most of these hills seem to be at almost a 45 degree angle. Short of installing a motor on my bicycle, I don't see how I could tow Lilo and groceries around like I used to in Calgary. I could walk, but carrying groceries? What about my ideas of starting a garden? Where are the community gardens? Wherever they are I want to be near them because they might be our only source of food when money runs out.

But I have a feeling money would run out as soon as I move all my things here. I've got the security deposit to collect, and my tax return. Both would amount to about fifteen hundred. Renting a truck would cost me almost nine hundred. Nine fucking hundred. Robbery on a massive scale. I feel robbed, violated every time I take money out of my wallet. I'm sick of this. Sick.

Keeping the car insurance equals more money, more money I don't have. Sigh. I'm very adamant about not getting a job. Job equals daycare, equals more bills. And I can't do it. I would rather put a bullet through my fucking head that waste my fucking time 'working' like I did this past year.

I'm not so much demoralized as I'm riding on the border of an infinite lack of care. If it comes down to it, we'll sleep in our car. Maybe making friends and connecting with people might get us a cheap room. I'm going to have to get rid of a lot of our things, my bed...I've begun sorting through Lilo's toys and clothes, and we're going to have to downsize everything.

We're about to set out on a walk around town. It's so warm out here. That's a good start.