I'm moving to Winlaw, BC. I am going to be living in a yurt with no plumbing, a wood stove and little electricity. I don't know how to describe the way I feel right now. It's been like that since I arrived in the Valley ... I'm just wondering about lost between a sense of finally having arrived and a 'what the fuck am i doing here'... I've cut contact with my ex and his family and I'm having a hard time keeping in touch with my mother. Started a garden, lost it, now that I have to move out. Came out here with farm dreams and what not but...those aren't attainable and I feel at the end of the line still. Went to an actual farm and saw lovely people living their life and oh, what a beautiful life it is...but...I'm just wondering from one place to another. It's hard to keep faith in the idea that somewhere is a place I belong, because I don't believe it anymore.
I'm trying to though. I don't know. I guess the loneliness is finally starting to get to me. Human touch, conversation, a sense of belonging, a sexual relationship... I'm going to try to get some painting done. Get back on the sewing machine, learn how to play the accordion. Maybe at the end of the winter, I'll feel different. Right now, the forecast looks dreary. It's hard to reach out to people.
I'm not sure I want to, most of the time. When I do, they seem so much happier than I. I don't know if I could ever belong anywhere. I don't know what I'm doing on this fucking planet, to be quite honest. I've been asking myself that question since I was 7. It's funny, if I knew it wasn't worth it back then, why hope that life might turn out a lot better? Press that abort button before it's too late down the line, it seems. Maybe I'm supposed to lose everything in order to appreciate what I've got...well...at this point it's a few trinkets, a cat and a child. And she, already at 3 has had her short end of the stick handed to her.
I'm tired.
I'm trying to though. I don't know. I guess the loneliness is finally starting to get to me. Human touch, conversation, a sense of belonging, a sexual relationship... I'm going to try to get some painting done. Get back on the sewing machine, learn how to play the accordion. Maybe at the end of the winter, I'll feel different. Right now, the forecast looks dreary. It's hard to reach out to people.
I'm not sure I want to, most of the time. When I do, they seem so much happier than I. I don't know if I could ever belong anywhere. I don't know what I'm doing on this fucking planet, to be quite honest. I've been asking myself that question since I was 7. It's funny, if I knew it wasn't worth it back then, why hope that life might turn out a lot better? Press that abort button before it's too late down the line, it seems. Maybe I'm supposed to lose everything in order to appreciate what I've got...well...at this point it's a few trinkets, a cat and a child. And she, already at 3 has had her short end of the stick handed to her.
I'm tired.
I wished I culd write something to cheer you up but at the end of the day I'm also at a loss what I do on this planet so I can't help you there because the earth will spin if we are on it or not. The only real reason are our children, Lilo in your case. You are her reason. Something lets me think that it is a good sign that you are still on the move, still searching if you haven't found *your* place and don't sit still in the wrong one and give up. Maybe you can ask for work at one of those farms on the way to your own one?
ReplyDeleteI looked up Winlow and its weather and it seems to get rather cold in Winter. Will you and especially Lilo be ok living in a yurt during that cold season? I'm worried.
I want to sak you something but better send you a message on FB. Never sure where I best catch you although most of the time I don't know what to say without sounding anyway meaningless in your real life. But my thoughts are with you.
Thank you gu. This is a very shifty stage in my life and I'm trying to remain patient and positive but it's hard. I'm thinking work on a farm would seem like a good idea except I need to trust the situation I'm walking into, and the yurt might be a cold winter but whatever. It's what we can afford. I'm quite resigned to my fate, lol.
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