This is an entry from another blog titled 'Ra-mas that never were and The wished-upon Shooting star' dated Sep. 7th, 2009 at 12:58 AM and I wanted to re-post it, given the subject of my previous entries...
I've had a lovely weekend. Spent most of it over at Jason's parents' house in Airdrie. Saturday I helped them build a deck! Crazy. Never knew I had it in me.
On a wild tangent...did you know Jesus was a carpenter? And that he was black? And therefore since I'm black I have only two degrees of separation from him! (jeeesus...LOL)
It was lots of fun. It made me realize how sexy Jason's arms are. Absolutely strong...and sexy. I found that my wrists are smaller and daintier than I think them to be. It made me realized that I liked hammering nails into wood. Because really, that was the only thing I could help them with.
We stayed late there, then we came back to my apartment for some sexy times. Really fun sexy times.
Stayed in late today...he slept until noon. Very tired. Then he woke up and played with Lilo.
I can see now that his parents and him adore her. It makes me feel...strange. On one hand, I'm pleasantly surprised by their acceptance of her...but at the same time I'm saddened by the way her own blood father and grandparents have treated her.
We put Lilo down for a nap and finally had some times for ourselves...
His swaying hips and lower body as he just thrusts into me...over and over again...I could stare at those all day and the way his face contorts when he has an orgasm...oh dear me. I'm completely fascinated, I am just...feeling myself...losing myself to his smile everyday he directs it my way. It's scary. It's beautiful.
He told me that perhaps it was time we picked animal pet names and I asked him if he could think of an animal to compare me to...thinking, in the back of my head that Mitch was Mister Wonderbread and I was Miss Salamander to him but it's in the past now, I tell myself and I push aside the thoughts.
Just like he pushed me aside I just take that thought to the back of my head...in that space where all thoughts of Mitch are slowly finding themselves being discarded into.
He tell me that I remind him of a rabbit. When he turns the question to me I stare a bit at his long neck...his long eyelashes...
"Llama."
" I remind you of a Llama?" he respond, absolutely offended.
It was funny. A llama.
I actually was thinking of a camel but he was making some weird spitting noise and pantomime...of a llama earlier and I though it really suited him.
I immediately thought that if we went ahead and had children like we always joke/jest about, our offspring would be called a Ra-ma. Yes. We plan on having a whole legion of Ra-mas one day...to add to my one Ra-Zy...thus so because I'm a Ra-bbit. And her father is Cra-zy.
Though it won't be today or anytime soon. Today found me taking another dosage of Plan B. This has to be my fucking SIXTH one by now. Long story. I'm reserving it for another post.
Later on, we went back to his parents' place where we had supper. And watched a movie. The day before we watched The Last House On the Left with his folks...cray-cray-zy.
That movie...eurgh...anyways...when I was leaving, I saw a shooting star...squealed and told him. He asks me to make a wish...and as soon as he did...the thought that formed in my head was:
"please I wish Mitch and I got back toge-"
Then I stopped. Scared. The last time I saw a shooting star was months ago. Mitch had gone to a treatment center two hours away from Calgary. I was staying at Auntie Sue's place for the weekend. Lilo was lying asleep next to me and I saw a shooting star. I wished and cried and begged for Lilo and I and him to be a family again. I wished that he came back.
The next day, he calls me panicked and begged me to come and pick him up. I did. I was overjoyed...but he was gone within a couple of weeks.
So when I found myself making that wish I was confused...A fraction of a second before I was being completely mesmerized by my new boyfriend's smile and the next that thought sneaks out of nowhere! It frazzled me. I...well hastily...conjured up a vague wish about Lilo and I becoming financially independent and wished for a healthy relationship with Jason.
I guess I can't allow myself to reach too far now. Dream big. Want the unattainable, wish for the impossible.
My feet are back on the ground and I feel like I could never wish for much. Those things never happens to people like me...I'm not...in a fairytale world and nobody gives a fuck about my heart...except this new Jason character...
And I'm tired...and high...and very...confused now.
This one is from Sep. 4th, 2009 at 2:20 PM and was titled ' I Love You' .
I don't know why it's all hitting me now. Just what I did. How I threw that away for delusion. Nonsense. I made him walk away from me by hitting on one of his best friends and not wanting to visit his new apartment. I remember sitting in the car before we walked in the bar, puffing away because I couldn't handle being in public. I remember hating myself. How I kept looking at my stomach expecting it to grow larger but it did not. How I realized I'd grown as cold as Mitch and it hurt him. So leave, I thought, I am incapable of loving you right now. I knew what I was doing. I wanted him to leave me. I wanted him to walk away. I got what I wanted. I always get what I want...
End of story.
I've had a lovely weekend. Spent most of it over at Jason's parents' house in Airdrie. Saturday I helped them build a deck! Crazy. Never knew I had it in me.
On a wild tangent...did you know Jesus was a carpenter? And that he was black? And therefore since I'm black I have only two degrees of separation from him! (jeeesus...LOL)
It was lots of fun. It made me realize how sexy Jason's arms are. Absolutely strong...and sexy. I found that my wrists are smaller and daintier than I think them to be. It made me realized that I liked hammering nails into wood. Because really, that was the only thing I could help them with.
We stayed late there, then we came back to my apartment for some sexy times. Really fun sexy times.
Stayed in late today...he slept until noon. Very tired. Then he woke up and played with Lilo.
I can see now that his parents and him adore her. It makes me feel...strange. On one hand, I'm pleasantly surprised by their acceptance of her...but at the same time I'm saddened by the way her own blood father and grandparents have treated her.
We put Lilo down for a nap and finally had some times for ourselves...
His swaying hips and lower body as he just thrusts into me...over and over again...I could stare at those all day and the way his face contorts when he has an orgasm...oh dear me. I'm completely fascinated, I am just...feeling myself...losing myself to his smile everyday he directs it my way. It's scary. It's beautiful.
He told me that perhaps it was time we picked animal pet names and I asked him if he could think of an animal to compare me to...thinking, in the back of my head that Mitch was Mister Wonderbread and I was Miss Salamander to him but it's in the past now, I tell myself and I push aside the thoughts.
Just like he pushed me aside I just take that thought to the back of my head...in that space where all thoughts of Mitch are slowly finding themselves being discarded into.
He tell me that I remind him of a rabbit. When he turns the question to me I stare a bit at his long neck...his long eyelashes...
"Llama."
" I remind you of a Llama?" he respond, absolutely offended.
It was funny. A llama.
I actually was thinking of a camel but he was making some weird spitting noise and pantomime...of a llama earlier and I though it really suited him.
I immediately thought that if we went ahead and had children like we always joke/jest about, our offspring would be called a Ra-ma. Yes. We plan on having a whole legion of Ra-mas one day...to add to my one Ra-Zy...thus so because I'm a Ra-bbit. And her father is Cra-zy.
Though it won't be today or anytime soon. Today found me taking another dosage of Plan B. This has to be my fucking SIXTH one by now. Long story. I'm reserving it for another post.
Later on, we went back to his parents' place where we had supper. And watched a movie. The day before we watched The Last House On the Left with his folks...cray-cray-zy.
That movie...eurgh...anyways...when I was leaving, I saw a shooting star...squealed and told him. He asks me to make a wish...and as soon as he did...the thought that formed in my head was:
"please I wish Mitch and I got back toge-"
Then I stopped. Scared. The last time I saw a shooting star was months ago. Mitch had gone to a treatment center two hours away from Calgary. I was staying at Auntie Sue's place for the weekend. Lilo was lying asleep next to me and I saw a shooting star. I wished and cried and begged for Lilo and I and him to be a family again. I wished that he came back.
The next day, he calls me panicked and begged me to come and pick him up. I did. I was overjoyed...but he was gone within a couple of weeks.
So when I found myself making that wish I was confused...A fraction of a second before I was being completely mesmerized by my new boyfriend's smile and the next that thought sneaks out of nowhere! It frazzled me. I...well hastily...conjured up a vague wish about Lilo and I becoming financially independent and wished for a healthy relationship with Jason.
I guess I can't allow myself to reach too far now. Dream big. Want the unattainable, wish for the impossible.
My feet are back on the ground and I feel like I could never wish for much. Those things never happens to people like me...I'm not...in a fairytale world and nobody gives a fuck about my heart...except this new Jason character...
And I'm tired...and high...and very...confused now.
This one is from Sep. 4th, 2009 at 2:20 PM and was titled ' I Love You' .
The L word has been uttered. You know... that one phrase I told Mitch over and over again, the same phrase he repeated to me...I love you, I love you, I love you and I believed him. Then he tells me he never meant those words. He never felt that way towards me. It was all just an illusion.
I think all that has happened as of late has made me distrust that phrase.
He claims that he was smitten with me immediately, and 'officially' announced to me that I had captured his heart. Uhm. Well he's sort of captured mine. In fact I can sort of say that I love him with a little 'l'. I know there are times, when we're having sex...that I look at him and he looks at me and I'm almost afraid we're making love. He's staring at me and I'm too embarassed to look away. We're both naked but at that moment I feel like I'm completely stripped bare of all my defenses. Then, I realize that I more than care about him. But as hard as it is for me to admit it to him and myself, I still don't think that I should just jump into this relationship and trust him because he's a man. And men are all scum...right? He of course does not agree with me. And repeatedly asks me not to bunch him with the others, the men who have hurt me, mistreated me.
Well, how can I NOT do that? It's hard enough having to accept and deal with the fact that Mitch no longer means anything to me and no longer has a place in my life. Especially when I had every fibre of my being invested in him. How can I see him for who he really is when all I think of is the pain and the heartbreak that has haunted me whenever I made the decision to...trust and love someone else?
When he talks about trips he wants us to take together and the possibility of us spawning a whole brood, my heart softens a bit. Here I am with a man who, for the first time in my life, sees a future with me. Isn't this what I've always wanted? 'Tis too bad that I think it's too late and I can't trust it.
I told Mitch yesterday that I wish I had never met him.
I repeatedly tell Jason that I wish I had met him instead of Mitch. Perhaps it's dwelling too much in the past...but I can't help but feel like something has been broken inside of me. He told me yesterday that he started writing a song about just that...wishing that he had met me sooner... because he seems to think that I'm different from the other women he's been with. He constantly tells me that I'm so beautiful. But I have troubles believing him.
I think he's too good to be true.
I think all that has happened as of late has made me distrust that phrase.
He claims that he was smitten with me immediately, and 'officially' announced to me that I had captured his heart. Uhm. Well he's sort of captured mine. In fact I can sort of say that I love him with a little 'l'. I know there are times, when we're having sex...that I look at him and he looks at me and I'm almost afraid we're making love. He's staring at me and I'm too embarassed to look away. We're both naked but at that moment I feel like I'm completely stripped bare of all my defenses. Then, I realize that I more than care about him. But as hard as it is for me to admit it to him and myself, I still don't think that I should just jump into this relationship and trust him because he's a man. And men are all scum...right? He of course does not agree with me. And repeatedly asks me not to bunch him with the others, the men who have hurt me, mistreated me.
Well, how can I NOT do that? It's hard enough having to accept and deal with the fact that Mitch no longer means anything to me and no longer has a place in my life. Especially when I had every fibre of my being invested in him. How can I see him for who he really is when all I think of is the pain and the heartbreak that has haunted me whenever I made the decision to...trust and love someone else?
When he talks about trips he wants us to take together and the possibility of us spawning a whole brood, my heart softens a bit. Here I am with a man who, for the first time in my life, sees a future with me. Isn't this what I've always wanted? 'Tis too bad that I think it's too late and I can't trust it.
I told Mitch yesterday that I wish I had never met him.
I repeatedly tell Jason that I wish I had met him instead of Mitch. Perhaps it's dwelling too much in the past...but I can't help but feel like something has been broken inside of me. He told me yesterday that he started writing a song about just that...wishing that he had met me sooner... because he seems to think that I'm different from the other women he's been with. He constantly tells me that I'm so beautiful. But I have troubles believing him.
I think he's too good to be true.
I don't know why it's all hitting me now. Just what I did. How I threw that away for delusion. Nonsense. I made him walk away from me by hitting on one of his best friends and not wanting to visit his new apartment. I remember sitting in the car before we walked in the bar, puffing away because I couldn't handle being in public. I remember hating myself. How I kept looking at my stomach expecting it to grow larger but it did not. How I realized I'd grown as cold as Mitch and it hurt him. So leave, I thought, I am incapable of loving you right now. I knew what I was doing. I wanted him to leave me. I wanted him to walk away. I got what I wanted. I always get what I want...
End of story.
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