I've been able to ascertain from numerous observations I've made while in conversation with friends in the past few months that I'm a bit self centered. A tad bit, overly involved with myself. But let's break that down for a bit. Most people are not willing to reveal personal information about themselves during conversations to me. I however, as you can tell, have not too many uses for secrecy so I can have any discussion about anything. Which is understandably, something a lot of people have issues relating to. I often uses examples pertaining to my own experiences to attempt to draw confessions out of people but I guess I've just been making myself seem self-absorbed in the process.

And I am. Self-absorbed. I am standing on the precipice of a new life, one that I've built through blunders, bad decisions and sheer luck! There are so many things I would like to accomplish! More toil and struggle! For the past few years I believe I've been locked in a process of mental transmutation that has made me even more cerebral than I've ever been, incapable of really paying attention to the people around me and now I'm having some difficulty synching back into society...not that there ever was a place for me it seems. I'm entrenched in the position of the outsider and I'm used to marginalization. I'm at peace with wherever I happen to be floating. Belonging and prominence in a social group has never been any concern of mine, so it's not going to start being one now. However, I on my life path, seem to have been colliding with people for whom those are primary concerns and it has left my life in tatters...

Struggling to reconcile that with those inner desires, the most throbbing one being that of a healthy sexual relationship with someone, something that won't result in STDs and a crumpled self esteem... I'm actually considering seducing someone, which would normally induce a fit of giggles both in myself and anyone who knew me and knew of my interaction with members of the opposite sex. I'm fucking serious, though. Lucky for me, men willing to sleep with me are not hard to come by. Finding one I have something in common with shouldn't be this difficult. Finding one I'm drawn to happens very rarely, but it does happen... However, the last man I was emotionally connected to could read my body like a map and I have not had that kind of sex since. Maybe I'm ruined.

Not to mention I've spent the past few posts trying to rationalize against that impulse but- I'm currently house sitting in Nelson, and god bless my friend's heart, for giving us the opportunity to return to civilization for a bit. It's been such a blessing and has certainly helped pull me out of the cabin-fever induced reality crisis I've been struggling through. However, it's certainly been queer readjusting to the reality of close-proximity living with other humans and last night I had the displeasure of being woken from a vaporous dream by the culminating moans and grunts of her amorous neighbors, which at first I ascertained to be part of a sex dream I was entering, which...would have been nice. 

My brain runs on and on at all hours of the day, but it’s the most active in the middle of the night. I would have gotten up to wonder about as I'm prone to do but I was so tired I forced myself back into an uneasy sleep. I'm having a hard time managing those feelings on top of everything I have to deal with.

I'm struggling to find an answer to my transportation issues and living arrangement right now. I'm in Winlaw and would like to remain there. However, my car is failing and my options are buying a beater that might not last me the year month or moving back to Nelson to have access to all amenities, but having to pay at least eight hundred a month for rent which makes my stomach knot at the mere thought.

I would like to remain in seclusion to further heal and create more work! I have been sketching again, which is something I have not done in a while. And were I to go back to work, it would be to do some kind of physical labor. That's the only thing I could tolerate to be quite honest. I'm going to garden again. I'm not going to VA anymore, which gives me the ability to get myself a vehicle. But that's about it. Back to zero. I've got all the tools I need now to develop myself. So a big fat thank you to Susan Scurfield, ladies and gentlemen!

My plans still are to get my hands on a pick up truck, to be able to do some work out there. Learning how to weld, rebuilding my portfolio, growing another garden, studying my way through the book bin I have dragged all this way and canning are among the things I'm trying to organize for myself this year. The painting I've been working on needs to get back to Winlaw soon, and done, to go to a show on the fifteen, at the Wee gallery. My first show! Totally unplanned. Then I'm trying to get on a couple of projects headed by friends. Perhaps schedule my own show? I'm also trying to get back to my media education and will be making a conscious effort to develop my Youtube channel and make some music. This all involves getting my hands on sound editing software which I tried doing a couple of months back, when Mitch had just served me with divorce papers, and I was not feeling well.

I'm trying to organize myself. I'm choosing to turn my back against anything that does not benefit Lilo and I. It's making life a lot brighter and manageable. It's not hard to dehumanize someone who does the same to you. It's a bit difficult to dehumanize someone who dehumanizes you on the behalf of others while claiming and truly believing they love you.

Whatever. I'm not dwelling on this shit. Tonight, I'm going dancing : )