Yesterday I piled into a tiny red 'Ferrari' with Lilo and a bear biologist to go grab some groceries from Gaia. It was painfully expensive, but necessary. I realized how again I had a sensation of complete understanding and love around him and his girlfriend and my daughter makes it very clear that she would rather have them as parents. The snow was coming down but that go-cart somehow made it up our treacherous driveway. It's the coolest car ever.
February has been an 'interesting' month. It's been a tumultuous spiritual and emotional ride. Desire and regret, gratitude and near madness at one point. In the past couple of weeks alone I've gotten rejected by someone I reached out to on a whim, but who was not interested, so I'm just classifying it as absolutely trivial and nothing to worry about... but then I got mad and decided to flex some 'magical' muscles, wrote a blog about it and woke up the next morning to find myself approached by three guys on Facebook who I've been one way or another been flirting with for a while.
I ended up having pretty sweet and platonic conversations with two and the last one ended with an offer/invitation I'm open to. I was with this person already and have wanted to get to know him a little better, so this is a rather well timed ego boost. This is not an usual occurrence. Men talking to me on Facebook, or ever. I assign significance to numbers. I'll do a huge post later about it. But the numbers 3, 4 and 9 have been really significant to me lately.
I'm not offended and this scares me. I don't usually know myself to bounce back this fast. Streams of relatively sound logic are surfing appropriately in my thought-space. This, is almost a sign of emotional maturity. The fact that I as usual, threw caution to the wind and reached out to a complete stranger only to be pushed away usually brings on waves of inadequacy and low self esteem but it seems like I'm almost relieved that I didn't have to be the one to take him off my friend's list and that's the only thing I feel on him particularly.
However, this is a deep issue.
I thought his response to my message was a bit arrogant. I wasn't referring to alcohol, I'm allergic to it. It makes my hands swell to a point of immobility and they get covered in hives. But then again, what more did I expect from a toe-shoe wearer? It's curious, my attraction to people that are the complete opposite of me. They almost always never end up being attracted to me and if they are and anything comes of it, it's a twisted, sadistic affair that never ends well.
Squares. Conservatives. Normies. I dated one for four years in high school, then was married to another one for four years (he's been absent for a while) so I understand the pathology behind that attraction. They for the most part are attracted to my abstract reasoning. My otherness. And I seek stability and order in them. I have a growing suspicion this is related to my conflict-relationship with my father figure. Which, is so typical and boring of me. It could also be a karmic thing, since my interaction with them always involves growth and challenge within myself, but the part I never like, is having to meet up to their expectations.
I need someone who is going to help encourage me and help revive my creative process right now. Light airy fun fun. Granted, I've never done good with the sensitive types, but here's the possibility of deepening a friendship, which is so appealing to me right now. I need a confidante, a sweet amorous type, not someone to expect me to measure up to them. At this point in my life I need someone who is going to get excited and be spontaneous with me!
Whenever I get to feeling good about life again I go and develop feelings for this type of man. Or this type of man suddenly appears in my life. And it never works out because I haven't yet had a connection in which our opposites worked in harmony. But I recognize where it comes from.I'm a pretty macho, sometimes emasculating, kind of girl. I like the idea of surrendering myself to someone who appears more in control of himself. Nothing gets me hotter, actually. It took a long time to admit that to myself. Balance is what it's all about. In a domestic situation I would seek someone with those qualities, but who is flexible and respects my view of life. I don't have the same attachment to the material world and having a high position in it. Those things don't matter to me. Outer adult inner child complications. I'm a person who's pretty open to everything. Curious to a fault.
I can't really restrict myself to that just yet.
It's obvious I'm going to have to learn to ignore the pull I feel towards this type, which goes against all that I used to believe in. I believe the man I choose to mate with for the rest of this life should illicit that kind of passion within myself, but it might take a long time before I find one who's able to match me. I've accepted that already. That's why we're looking for a Practice daddy. Someone who knows he's only on for a test drive. I'm, of course, open to being surprised by love in any circumstances. I'm ultimately an optimist when it comes to matters of the heart! It always gets me in trouble.
I can't even believe I'm trying to wrap my mind around approaching relationships on a purely logical level, the mere thought sends off alarm bells within myself. What if I then find myself unhappy in a relationship that makes logistical sense? Squares are capable of that. I shiver at the thought.
This all relates back to Tarot, my sudden fascination with it and the idea of using divinatory systems to create a detailed model of your own universe and using that to better your understanding of yourself and your environment, which is pretty out there, but giving me some interesting results. Card combinations work to reveal the interrelations between prominent archetypes crossing your path and karmic currents in your life. It can be a mind fuck if you're not being honest with yourself. Some combinations scare me in their precision. I spend days sometimes shuffling and pulling the same cards over and over out of the mix. Lately, I've been getting repeat card spreads, which should be highly unlikely but there it is.
My interpretation of what happens, and it's pretty Star Trek, so bear with me, is that when I shuffle a tarot deck, is that while those 78 cards are being shuffled and mix something about that process it creates a vortex of possibility that is able to tap into your own energetic signature, which in terms connect it to an extension of Cosmic Logos that in turns sends back information your way, in the form of a reading that is in turn interpreted by you, relying heavily one one's own intuition, which is deeply tied to the workings of your own subconscious, which is part of that god-engine cradled in your skull and what is an otherwise simple minded Sapien Sapien to do when she figures out a way of uncovering even a fraction of the multitude of paths around herself?
Why figure out a way to fuck (constructively) with her own destiny of course.
It's getting me thinking about the meaning of life and what my real purpose on this planet is and how I can find a way to convey it through the mediums I've utilized to express myself. I would like to tackle the I Ching next. See what mysteries that uncovers. As far as my love life is concerned, one offers a platonic friendship, gives you his number, then blocks you on Facebook, another wants to (and these are his own words) 'wrap your beautiful energy around him' which makes me think he seems responsive to the idea of mating again. Casanova is going to have troubles peeling me off. It's been a while.
I haven't really had the time to consider the idea getting involved with him because I was not sure about how he felt for me, he was involved with someone else until recently, but everything's changed again.
Life is full of turns and curves and choices. And I like men who put out.
I've been confounded by the idea of this move, upset as well, but about other things and it doesn't affect the calm I feel in my core. Lilo and I have been sick and a few days ago I went into the barn to look at what we had and how to start figuring our move and I found all the pictures of Mitch and us I'd stashed away and thought lost when my old computer crashed. So for an evening we sat down and I showed her a lot of pictures of her father and I kissing and hugging, our wedding pictures and pictures of the two of them holding each other. She tells me that she sees him sometimes when she goes to sleep. It breaks my heart.
So I contacted him today and she spoke to him on Skype. I'm not sure what I'm thinking letting my ex back in my life. I'm thinking...I'm over him, I want to start anew, the last time I tried to he fucked it up. I did as well, but he was toying with me. Now I just want something for myself. I don't care if it doesn't amount to much more than a tryst. With someone I 'tripped' and fell in bed with a couple of months before. Something snapped inside of me that night. It was as if need took control and my body was moving on its own. I want a friend though. I think he and I can be friends and that's something I look forward to.
I still think it's absolutely hilarious that in 2011, I got laid twice, on my birthday and on Christmas, perfectly timed boons bestowed upon me by the Fates, who could totally tell the charcoaling of my heart was reaching a critical point and allowing myself to be a woman but for a few hours, instead of the maid, Mommy or anyone's possession, would intrigue my sanity out of self destruct but for a few more months...until this point where I'm finally starting to realize that I need to start focusing on the areas of my life that are starved for attention. My romantic and creative life. Money will come when I'm doing the things I love and when I need it the most. I am cared for, I'm blessed and I'm loved.
I need to surround myself with people I can give to healthily. I've learned the hard way the lesson about giving too much of yourself to others. I relish my current selfishness. However I feel like I exist behind a wall. And I don't know how to get people to be more open around me. I guess I can be a startling person. Too open and trusting. No one wants to hear about me but I push on hoping they would eventually open their mouth and speak about themselves. Reverse psychology doesn't work as often as I wish it would.
All in all, I'm so excited about this year. It seems like I've finally gotten to a point where I've got control of my own self-defeatist attitude. When one door slams in your face another one opens. My pride, is thoroughly satisfied. And don't get me wrong, the rejection stings and I'm humbled by it, but in the end, life is full of possibilities and there are far too many gorgeous men in this valley for me to be bummed out right now.
Lilo and I are home bound for another month or so and I'm starting to pack up and move items to the barn right away to save myself the burn out I experienced moving in. I've been scattered in my attempts to make connections and this is probably a sign that I should nurture the relationships I already have. I'm looking for soul-kin.
I feel a rush of creativity these days and I've been working on two paintings simultaneously. Thinking myself smitten (yet again) for a nanosecond definitely had a huge part in the rise out of my stupor. I would thank him, but I'm all for avoiding eye contact if we ever run into each other again.
February has been an 'interesting' month. It's been a tumultuous spiritual and emotional ride. Desire and regret, gratitude and near madness at one point. In the past couple of weeks alone I've gotten rejected by someone I reached out to on a whim, but who was not interested, so I'm just classifying it as absolutely trivial and nothing to worry about... but then I got mad and decided to flex some 'magical' muscles, wrote a blog about it and woke up the next morning to find myself approached by three guys on Facebook who I've been one way or another been flirting with for a while.
I ended up having pretty sweet and platonic conversations with two and the last one ended with an offer/invitation I'm open to. I was with this person already and have wanted to get to know him a little better, so this is a rather well timed ego boost. This is not an usual occurrence. Men talking to me on Facebook, or ever. I assign significance to numbers. I'll do a huge post later about it. But the numbers 3, 4 and 9 have been really significant to me lately.
I'm not offended and this scares me. I don't usually know myself to bounce back this fast. Streams of relatively sound logic are surfing appropriately in my thought-space. This, is almost a sign of emotional maturity. The fact that I as usual, threw caution to the wind and reached out to a complete stranger only to be pushed away usually brings on waves of inadequacy and low self esteem but it seems like I'm almost relieved that I didn't have to be the one to take him off my friend's list and that's the only thing I feel on him particularly.
However, this is a deep issue.
I thought his response to my message was a bit arrogant. I wasn't referring to alcohol, I'm allergic to it. It makes my hands swell to a point of immobility and they get covered in hives. But then again, what more did I expect from a toe-shoe wearer? It's curious, my attraction to people that are the complete opposite of me. They almost always never end up being attracted to me and if they are and anything comes of it, it's a twisted, sadistic affair that never ends well.
Squares. Conservatives. Normies. I dated one for four years in high school, then was married to another one for four years (he's been absent for a while) so I understand the pathology behind that attraction. They for the most part are attracted to my abstract reasoning. My otherness. And I seek stability and order in them. I have a growing suspicion this is related to my conflict-relationship with my father figure. Which, is so typical and boring of me. It could also be a karmic thing, since my interaction with them always involves growth and challenge within myself, but the part I never like, is having to meet up to their expectations.
I need someone who is going to help encourage me and help revive my creative process right now. Light airy fun fun. Granted, I've never done good with the sensitive types, but here's the possibility of deepening a friendship, which is so appealing to me right now. I need a confidante, a sweet amorous type, not someone to expect me to measure up to them. At this point in my life I need someone who is going to get excited and be spontaneous with me!
Whenever I get to feeling good about life again I go and develop feelings for this type of man. Or this type of man suddenly appears in my life. And it never works out because I haven't yet had a connection in which our opposites worked in harmony. But I recognize where it comes from.I'm a pretty macho, sometimes emasculating, kind of girl. I like the idea of surrendering myself to someone who appears more in control of himself. Nothing gets me hotter, actually. It took a long time to admit that to myself. Balance is what it's all about. In a domestic situation I would seek someone with those qualities, but who is flexible and respects my view of life. I don't have the same attachment to the material world and having a high position in it. Those things don't matter to me. Outer adult inner child complications. I'm a person who's pretty open to everything. Curious to a fault.
I can't really restrict myself to that just yet.
It's obvious I'm going to have to learn to ignore the pull I feel towards this type, which goes against all that I used to believe in. I believe the man I choose to mate with for the rest of this life should illicit that kind of passion within myself, but it might take a long time before I find one who's able to match me. I've accepted that already. That's why we're looking for a Practice daddy. Someone who knows he's only on for a test drive. I'm, of course, open to being surprised by love in any circumstances. I'm ultimately an optimist when it comes to matters of the heart! It always gets me in trouble.
I can't even believe I'm trying to wrap my mind around approaching relationships on a purely logical level, the mere thought sends off alarm bells within myself. What if I then find myself unhappy in a relationship that makes logistical sense? Squares are capable of that. I shiver at the thought.
This all relates back to Tarot, my sudden fascination with it and the idea of using divinatory systems to create a detailed model of your own universe and using that to better your understanding of yourself and your environment, which is pretty out there, but giving me some interesting results. Card combinations work to reveal the interrelations between prominent archetypes crossing your path and karmic currents in your life. It can be a mind fuck if you're not being honest with yourself. Some combinations scare me in their precision. I spend days sometimes shuffling and pulling the same cards over and over out of the mix. Lately, I've been getting repeat card spreads, which should be highly unlikely but there it is.
My interpretation of what happens, and it's pretty Star Trek, so bear with me, is that when I shuffle a tarot deck, is that while those 78 cards are being shuffled and mix something about that process it creates a vortex of possibility that is able to tap into your own energetic signature, which in terms connect it to an extension of Cosmic Logos that in turns sends back information your way, in the form of a reading that is in turn interpreted by you, relying heavily one one's own intuition, which is deeply tied to the workings of your own subconscious, which is part of that god-engine cradled in your skull and what is an otherwise simple minded Sapien Sapien to do when she figures out a way of uncovering even a fraction of the multitude of paths around herself?
Why figure out a way to fuck (constructively) with her own destiny of course.
It's getting me thinking about the meaning of life and what my real purpose on this planet is and how I can find a way to convey it through the mediums I've utilized to express myself. I would like to tackle the I Ching next. See what mysteries that uncovers. As far as my love life is concerned, one offers a platonic friendship, gives you his number, then blocks you on Facebook, another wants to (and these are his own words) 'wrap your beautiful energy around him' which makes me think he seems responsive to the idea of mating again. Casanova is going to have troubles peeling me off. It's been a while.
I haven't really had the time to consider the idea getting involved with him because I was not sure about how he felt for me, he was involved with someone else until recently, but everything's changed again.
Life is full of turns and curves and choices. And I like men who put out.
I've been confounded by the idea of this move, upset as well, but about other things and it doesn't affect the calm I feel in my core. Lilo and I have been sick and a few days ago I went into the barn to look at what we had and how to start figuring our move and I found all the pictures of Mitch and us I'd stashed away and thought lost when my old computer crashed. So for an evening we sat down and I showed her a lot of pictures of her father and I kissing and hugging, our wedding pictures and pictures of the two of them holding each other. She tells me that she sees him sometimes when she goes to sleep. It breaks my heart.
So I contacted him today and she spoke to him on Skype. I'm not sure what I'm thinking letting my ex back in my life. I'm thinking...I'm over him, I want to start anew, the last time I tried to he fucked it up. I did as well, but he was toying with me. Now I just want something for myself. I don't care if it doesn't amount to much more than a tryst. With someone I 'tripped' and fell in bed with a couple of months before. Something snapped inside of me that night. It was as if need took control and my body was moving on its own. I want a friend though. I think he and I can be friends and that's something I look forward to.
I still think it's absolutely hilarious that in 2011, I got laid twice, on my birthday and on Christmas, perfectly timed boons bestowed upon me by the Fates, who could totally tell the charcoaling of my heart was reaching a critical point and allowing myself to be a woman but for a few hours, instead of the maid, Mommy or anyone's possession, would intrigue my sanity out of self destruct but for a few more months...until this point where I'm finally starting to realize that I need to start focusing on the areas of my life that are starved for attention. My romantic and creative life. Money will come when I'm doing the things I love and when I need it the most. I am cared for, I'm blessed and I'm loved.
I need to surround myself with people I can give to healthily. I've learned the hard way the lesson about giving too much of yourself to others. I relish my current selfishness. However I feel like I exist behind a wall. And I don't know how to get people to be more open around me. I guess I can be a startling person. Too open and trusting. No one wants to hear about me but I push on hoping they would eventually open their mouth and speak about themselves. Reverse psychology doesn't work as often as I wish it would.
All in all, I'm so excited about this year. It seems like I've finally gotten to a point where I've got control of my own self-defeatist attitude. When one door slams in your face another one opens. My pride, is thoroughly satisfied. And don't get me wrong, the rejection stings and I'm humbled by it, but in the end, life is full of possibilities and there are far too many gorgeous men in this valley for me to be bummed out right now.
Lilo and I are home bound for another month or so and I'm starting to pack up and move items to the barn right away to save myself the burn out I experienced moving in. I've been scattered in my attempts to make connections and this is probably a sign that I should nurture the relationships I already have. I'm looking for soul-kin.
I feel a rush of creativity these days and I've been working on two paintings simultaneously. Thinking myself smitten (yet again) for a nanosecond definitely had a huge part in the rise out of my stupor. I would thank him, but I'm all for avoiding eye contact if we ever run into each other again.
I got this tidbit when I was doing a reading some days ago and it gave me a start. What are the chances of this having any significance over my recent life? I reserve any opinion until I have further proof, but this is juicy:
When a reading featuring the Three of Cups also has many cards revealed from the suit of Swords, the issue of commitment and following a strict philosophy begins to take shape. Are your new friends followers of a particular guru whose guidance has made them better and happier people? Be careful not to give blind obedience in exchange for friendship and acceptance.
Mind fuck indeed. My skin crawls at the thought of that having anything to do with what I think it does. Moving back to Nelson does mean facing this issue again. I'll heed the advice.
Girl you are so talented, a great writer, a great artist, a strong woman. What else can you not do if you put your mind to it? You need a man who will bring out the best in you. Any man who cannot see how awesome you are, has issues. I like your state of mind right now. Please no flip flopping. Focus focus focus.
ReplyDeleteFinish the painting and take it to a show or market or something.
How old is Lilo now? What a sweet girl saying that she sees her father in her sleep.
Did you ever finish your program in school? If not will you be going back? You are so young that this will be the best time to do it.
Have you ever thought of putting Lilo in a childcare program of some sort? you both need a break
You should do a video soon. I hope the move goes well. Just keep sane, It will all come together
Lilo is 3 years old now! I didn't finish school, got pregnant in the middle of third year. I won't be going back, it's not worth the debt. I'll run with what I got! Lilo was in daycare in Calgary for a year while I worked.
ReplyDeleteShe's got celiac so I'm staying home with her now. I would love a break, trust me. Thank you for the compliments. I will get my butt back on youtube!