King of Wands

I feel no different than a child. Once the buzz of maintaining a social calendar died off Lilo and I fell in a strange lull, crawling out of the yurt only when we needed to. I spent a lot of time in my head but lately I find the chatter's dying off. It hurts less. We are happier. We have friends around. I'm not a very good friend but Lilo makes up for it with her outgoing nature. I'm fine with people wanting to chat her up instead of me. Apparently that makes me arrogant. Then anything I do seems to these days. It's fine by me.

King of Wands. King of wands. Artistic expression of some sort, hell expression of any sort would be great at this point. I feel like my words are as a ball of slime constricting my air ways and forming an opinion, any opinion feels like an impossible task. How did I get to this point? I remember being so outspoken and free. Now I've thrown myself at life and a few souls have caught me. Community is a funny thing. I am aware of my somewhat startling appearance. A lot of people tend to trip on it. Do you think me bourgeois in any fashion? I used to think myself eco friendly for wanting to drive a Subaru, then thought myself extreme for wanting a veggie-oil run diesel vehicle. Now I don't even want to own one.

I want my voice back. It feels like there's so much anxiety holding me back still. And I have no idea what medium to really focus on and it would be nice to do it all but it's crunch time is here and now and I feel so blind still. I'm angry. About so much. I'm not sure where to start.

I can go with this positivism, bullshit ideal I've allowed myself to get dragged in and lo and behold it was not too long before I started to put that mask back on, that emotional mask I've fought my whole life to shed.

 I’ve always been one to accept everything and everyone that comes my way but I understand why others are not so welcoming. Ignorance is contagious.I come across as gullible. And I can be. 

I guess I radiate a certain amount of naiveté and my beliefs tend to attract a rather, eclectic bunch but up ‘till now I was aware of only the surface revelry, the appeal of people celebrating together, having a ball, invoking the spirit of the Bacchanalia. Words like friendship, giving, tolerance, community, service were bounced around lot when I was living and reveling in Nelson. I soon learned those were euphemisms for friendships of convenience, giving with strings attached and unbalanced interpersonal relationships and willful ignorance. That's my harsh, angry, hurt opinion of it. But it's an old one. Something else has caught my attention.