What does the word 'abundance' mean to you? To me it means friends, family, land to grow on, someone to be intimate with. The ability to use resources directly available to me to gain results. Like feeding myself and my child and keeping a roof over my head. I've decided on what I'm doing with my life: I will be a single mothering, gardening, witch-crafting, singing, manipulative-conservative-asshole-fighting defender of free thought and speech.

And if anyone has a problem with it they can suck my toe. Life has been, such a strange ride this past year. I wish I had someone I could share some of the things I've experienced with. I wish blind patriotism wasn't the programmed response in people's mind when their paradigm is questioned in any fashion, but I don't wish to fight it anymore. I will just walk away from it. Life will eventually lead me where I need to be. Heck it already has.

And there is so much more to learn. Chances are I'm spending my old days on my own, Lilo's off to university when I'm 38...just me, my books, my canvases and my imagination. Once my looks fade then it won't be such a shame that I'm such a strange hermit. Maybe I'll spend my days glorying over other people's love. I want to start making erotic art.

I've been practicing reading omens and for the most part it's hard to understand. I'm improving though. I am very very mistrustful of the connections I've made around Nelson because of one individual's actions and that isn't right, but maybe I'm not meant for that kind of environment, that's the realization I've come to, anyway. I love being out here. I love the wind in my hair. I love the wild.

Once I saw him starting to go out of his way to discredit me in order to cover up an incident, that was it for me. He can keep all his friends and defend his 'reputation' all he wants. Incidents like those make me shrink from myself. But that reaction is done. In that sense, being an 'outsider' is best, because I have no problems getting up and walking away. This world is big enough for us all and believe it or not, I'm not the one with a sharing problem. I have a hard time respecting people who allow others to shape reality for them because of the damage that behavior has wrecked in my life. I've over and over again trusted the advice of someone who told me everything was alright, was there for me when I felt vulnerable and always, always, that person turns around and fucks me over, royally. Emotional and financial co-dependence. Kindness with strings attached. I'll pass. Now I have to deal with the irony of having security and being considered 'bourgeois' because of it.

I was curious for a bit about the real story behind why that guy took me off his page. It would be nice to find out but something is telling me to move on with my life. A friend of mine really gave me love and was there for me even after the blow up with that pseudo-guru but I couldn't do. If I'm going to be the bad guy, may as well burn bridges. I don't want any drama, I will not stick around that kind of manipulation. If anyone wants a real conversation with me, sure. What's up?

Lilo's outside crushing snails and playing with slugs. We're making friends. Life's peaceful for now. I've got my eyes open though. Inconsistencies in others's behavior have always created inconsistencies in myself and I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's just the fact that I tend to suscribe to unrealistic ideologies and can be incredibly absent minded. And I don't understand that life's a game and everyone's playing it. Let's all be friends and sing 'Kombaya' is a sweet philosophy but not a very practical one. Especially when I'm always the outsider coming into new environments and pointing out those inconsistencies.

I'm flighty enough to live vicariously and I have, but my 'sweetness' and inability to properly express my stance is giving people the wrong idea. I have had so much kindness shown to me, I want to return it. But I'm not going to be kind and giving and open when there's shit flying around. That's not my initial reaction. I'm overprotective of myself and my child because I'm the only one looking out for our best interest. If that makes me a selfish bitch so be it. It's myopic of me to assume that just because I encounter a double mentality in a group of people in Nelson does not mean everyone shares it but after Calgary, I'm afraid of opening my heart to people and have troubles feeling at peace in environments where I'm clearly minority, both in racial identity and state of mind. And after that negative experience last fall, I'm a bit reticent to mingle.

I want to focus on producing work to sell, trade, showcase. My pentacles. My pride. I have to. I want to be a working artist and I have a child to fend for and I have to trust again. And it's going to happen because Winlaw is an amazing place. There are so many amazing role models out here. It's almost dizzying to get used to. And instead of being so judgmental and bitter, I'm going to avoid any irritants and move on.

Wounds can blind but my love for the earth is like salve to my bloody sockets. I''ll use my second sight. I'll heal and move on and one day my heart will lead me to the right person.