I've never been so miserable yet ecstatic at the same time. Everything is working out as...predicted. Lilo is running around naked and won't put her pants on. The sun is out and our new home is full of friends and love. It feels like my heart is breaking. With joy and disappointment...resolution. I'm taking the time to watch the sun warm my skin. It's so hard to let go when all your heart wants is revenge but I have to come to terms with my obligation. Why inflict pain when you can teach someone a valuable lesson they will remember for the rest of their days?
As for anyone else getting mad at me for whatever reason, more specifically a horse riding-tight-panted humorless gizzard...never the fuck mind.
It's funny I reached out and try to explain my viewpoint and all I got was 'Oh, there's something wrong with her' or the good old positive thinking routine, which is normal behavior for normal people living their normal lives and I've done my best to assimilate...pasted on a smile and tried to be friends with everyone. It's not working out. I can't share this experience with anyone. The one person I tried to open up about this all ended up betraying my trust and my heart's closed on that front. The sacrifice of love. Release of children to their own lives. It's even better when everyone assumes I'm egotistical, or attention seeking. It does not mean everyone treated me that way, but I've been in this place so many times, I don't even care. I shun the status quo and I've found others who do as well. It makes me feel less guilty about moving on, letting go and focusing on what I'm building for myself and my child.
I've got an outlet for all this creative tension but it just gets all stuck in my throat and comes out as a roar. Nothing intelligible yet.
As for anyone else getting mad at me for whatever reason, more specifically a horse riding-tight-panted humorless gizzard...never the fuck mind.
It's funny I reached out and try to explain my viewpoint and all I got was 'Oh, there's something wrong with her' or the good old positive thinking routine, which is normal behavior for normal people living their normal lives and I've done my best to assimilate...pasted on a smile and tried to be friends with everyone. It's not working out. I can't share this experience with anyone. The one person I tried to open up about this all ended up betraying my trust and my heart's closed on that front. The sacrifice of love. Release of children to their own lives. It's even better when everyone assumes I'm egotistical, or attention seeking. It does not mean everyone treated me that way, but I've been in this place so many times, I don't even care. I shun the status quo and I've found others who do as well. It makes me feel less guilty about moving on, letting go and focusing on what I'm building for myself and my child.
I've got an outlet for all this creative tension but it just gets all stuck in my throat and comes out as a roar. Nothing intelligible yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment