I'm trying my best to think of a reason to stay in this city and perhaps I will because right now I can't think of anywhere else to go. Plans and practicality are weighing my flight mode down. I'm so demoralized I don't even know what to think. I'm starting to realise just how much faith I've lost since I arrived in this city. My heart was completely open when I landed in Nelson. I was running away from a lot of pain but I had hope and plans and dreams and now I feel like I'm caught in a strange situation I've made a mess of trying to comprehend.
A bad decision. My life just seems to be filled with them. And what understanding am I to glean other than my values differ from the ones held by the people around me. What am I supposed to learn out of debasing myself in pursuit of feelings that do not serve me at all? What is the fucking point?
And can I press the ESC button? Because I've had enough.
A bad decision. My life just seems to be filled with them. And what understanding am I to glean other than my values differ from the ones held by the people around me. What am I supposed to learn out of debasing myself in pursuit of feelings that do not serve me at all? What is the fucking point?
And can I press the ESC button? Because I've had enough.
I think you need to start to plan for the future, maybe not for something in the next weeks or months but during next year. Something to look forward to even if the present feels so hard. Up to then your main priority has to be your health, get the operation done and gather again the strength you need for the next chapter. Also for Lilos sake. Life hasn't been good to you I know and I can feel you disappointment with this city, how things have turned out, how people behaved. You can just learn from it and move on, somewhere is the place and the man you deserve and will be happy with. Most people give just up and stay in an unhappy situation, you at least have the spirit to fight and search for something better. It will not always work out but at least you showed your strength and you will recover and have more luck the next time. You and Lilo you are a strong team and you can get to a better and happier place. Just don't run away from Nelson without having a plan, take the time to work something out and take again control of your destiny. You are an amazing girl and always will be Yo.
ReplyDeleteOh I have a plan coming together, I just think it's a crazy plan. That's all. A few options. Vancouver or Regina. In a year. I still want to do a market year and get rid of the material I've been dragging around and finish my portfolio. But I'm really just tired of flying. I'm tired of moving around. I'm tired of travelling.
ReplyDeleteSweetheart look from within before you make any move. Like gu said have a solid plan. Eventhough it seems like you have nobody in this cruel country, it will come together. Lilo is enough reason for you to be able to do anything. Just rise up and do it.
ReplyDeleteDoes your mom support you financially?
I'm okay financially but I need something else. Purpose. Godot. A mind-cleanse. I think I'm in the wrong city and I need to get out. That's the start. I need a job that is not going to make me start popping pills just to see the light at the end of a tunnel. I need to start feeling like the time I spend on this rock isn't akin to being forced to live out a prison sentence. I've heard some call it 'maturity' but I'm just not sure.
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