I'm hoping I can get my endoscopy booked here in Nelson but I might have to travel to Trail for it, just like I would for the laparoscopy. Not sure how that bodes for my job prospects but it's not like I have a choice. I want out of this town so bad, I'm tired of just sitting on my sore butt. And I thought I would have the surgery done by now, but...there was confusion on whether my problem was digestive or venereal. I called venereal from the start and of course it was digestive as well, with the ulcer and what not. Now the CT scan is fine, the X-Ray shows no fracture so it's not my tailbone, it could be my sciatic nerve but they would have to stuff me in an MRI for that one BUT THEY DON'T HAVE TO BECAUSE I KNOW THE IMMEDIATE PROBLEM IS MY BABY MAKER! I have been walking around clutching my lower abdomen for over two years, I have been diagnosed with endometriosis since I was fourteen, I've taken your little pills and shat myself bloody before, I just want to be cut up and stitched! Please. I bleed for two weeks from the front then it stopped...only for my anus to start pinking again. I was feeling better for a while, but the more active I become the less better I feel. Why the fuck isn't anyone interpreting this as worrisome and why am I feeling shitty for having to advocate for myself?
This is the way it is and I'm supposed to get used to it!
If an employer sees it fit to fire me because I have a couple of medical procedures on the way, I shouldn't take it personally. Which, doesn't make sense, I am taking it personally if it fucks up my finances and leaves me sitting on my butt again, but ah, just trying to understand these 'world' rules. They fucking suck. But not as much as the dating pool in this town. That's a whole new level of suck I'm trying not to depress myself over.
I almost moved back to Calgary. Her father's aunt made that offer and it was tempting. Then Jason contacted me, and I had that mostly one sided conversation with him and I realized Calgary was just another thing I was going to have to bury in the tomb of my past. That and I have no faith in being able to further any personal goals within the vicinity of my ex's family. I sat here for a whole month considering returning there and I realize I felt the same anxiety and entrapment there as I'm starting to feel here. It's not enough to have friends, those come and go. And really, I don't need the same positive thinking spiel regurgitated at me. It would be nice to actually know more people who function outside this 'Kootenay' paradigm. I do know a couple. Super refreshing.
Attempts at nurturing romantic relationships have all but failed because of the hurt I carry from the years I spent around the bigotry of my ex's family. That racial, cultural barrier is real and I'm tired of struggling against it. Add on top of it the fact that I have a child and I'm starting to feel like...yeah, I've accepted my designation as a pariah and I'm just walking a strange line by myself out here.
I knew I was going to end up alone when I started dating Jason. I knew it was doomed! And I didn't have as hard a time accepting it as I had accepting the demise of my marriage. As time went by it became clear that I wasn't going to fit it and I gave him the permission to find someone else and he did, like I knew he would. And when he did I let him go because I'm starting to associate love with loss. It's all it's ever meant to me. Then he fakes anger and claims I purposefully pushed him away but the truth is he never accepted me and the proof of his love would have been his presence and understanding.
I used to think there was a point to this whole experience (other than me coming to the realization that involvement across the cultural divide will make me feel extremely inadequate) , but I realize the only point was to realize that I don't belong here and I can't integrate and in the process of coming out here to find myself, I've alienated myself from my biological family. Now there's uncertainty and the unknown. Realistically, BC is where I want to be since I am raising this child on my own. But I'm getting tired of how small this town is, and I have the growing awareness that my place is not here. At least I've got my daughter by my side to counter the loneliness and I have fourteen years left with her, before I'm TRULY alone. She wants to stay here, but it's because she is a child and she wants to belong. I'm not a child. I don't have those delusions anymore.
This is the way it is and I'm supposed to get used to it!
If an employer sees it fit to fire me because I have a couple of medical procedures on the way, I shouldn't take it personally. Which, doesn't make sense, I am taking it personally if it fucks up my finances and leaves me sitting on my butt again, but ah, just trying to understand these 'world' rules. They fucking suck. But not as much as the dating pool in this town. That's a whole new level of suck I'm trying not to depress myself over.
I almost moved back to Calgary. Her father's aunt made that offer and it was tempting. Then Jason contacted me, and I had that mostly one sided conversation with him and I realized Calgary was just another thing I was going to have to bury in the tomb of my past. That and I have no faith in being able to further any personal goals within the vicinity of my ex's family. I sat here for a whole month considering returning there and I realize I felt the same anxiety and entrapment there as I'm starting to feel here. It's not enough to have friends, those come and go. And really, I don't need the same positive thinking spiel regurgitated at me. It would be nice to actually know more people who function outside this 'Kootenay' paradigm. I do know a couple. Super refreshing.
Attempts at nurturing romantic relationships have all but failed because of the hurt I carry from the years I spent around the bigotry of my ex's family. That racial, cultural barrier is real and I'm tired of struggling against it. Add on top of it the fact that I have a child and I'm starting to feel like...yeah, I've accepted my designation as a pariah and I'm just walking a strange line by myself out here.
I knew I was going to end up alone when I started dating Jason. I knew it was doomed! And I didn't have as hard a time accepting it as I had accepting the demise of my marriage. As time went by it became clear that I wasn't going to fit it and I gave him the permission to find someone else and he did, like I knew he would. And when he did I let him go because I'm starting to associate love with loss. It's all it's ever meant to me. Then he fakes anger and claims I purposefully pushed him away but the truth is he never accepted me and the proof of his love would have been his presence and understanding.
I used to think there was a point to this whole experience (other than me coming to the realization that involvement across the cultural divide will make me feel extremely inadequate) , but I realize the only point was to realize that I don't belong here and I can't integrate and in the process of coming out here to find myself, I've alienated myself from my biological family. Now there's uncertainty and the unknown. Realistically, BC is where I want to be since I am raising this child on my own. But I'm getting tired of how small this town is, and I have the growing awareness that my place is not here. At least I've got my daughter by my side to counter the loneliness and I have fourteen years left with her, before I'm TRULY alone. She wants to stay here, but it's because she is a child and she wants to belong. I'm not a child. I don't have those delusions anymore.
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