Release

I had troubles going to sleep last night. I felt uneasy. My body aches. I've spent the past five days in bed, and yesterday was the first day I made the effort of taking my daughter to daycare. I've been walking at half-step pace, leaning on the beaver stick that has become my constant companion.

Chariot and the Queen of Cups reversed. I furrowed my brown, pondering on its significance. I thought about the Queen of Cups reversed and how she might be similar to me. When I pull more cards, however, it became more apparent that it was not me it referred to. I thought of Sue.

I then heard my name being called. I heard it reverberate inside of my right ear. I could feel my ear tingling as if it heard sound. The pain in my lower back made me lie on my side and I closed my eye. I heard my name a few more sounds. The accent was African, it sounded like a relative calling out my name.

I was lying on a rolled futon mattress in front of the altar I've dedicated to my late sister. Her name was Catherine. 

I went back to lie down next to my daughter. We snuggled like two cats, trying to find a comfortable position to drift from. She was the first one to go. I kept startling myself awake, thinking there was something running its finger all over my body. When the sensation reached my belly, I realized it came from inside. It was as if something inside my stomach was undulating and I could hear strange gurgles.

I finally drifted off to sleep.

I am starting to forget much of the dream. I cannot forget the outfit I was wearing. The coat was magnificent, brocade gold and blood red, embroidered with flowers and baroque patterns. An A-line skirt made out of silk, and a tight black top. I was in my home back in Virginia. My brothers' bedroom had been converted in a dressing room and my father walked in and out, staring at me disapprovingly. I knew I was late getting ready, and it would be time to leave soon. Towards the end of the dream, I was ready. I looked amazing, like an Empress, a card that had appeared in the previous night's reading. Strength was another.

Then a dude walked in, and was milling around the bedroom sink. This did not seem to bother me, though I did not know who it was.

It took me a while to realize who was standing next to him, applying make up. It was Sue's daughter. She was wearing a plain, baby blue sleeveless dress. She looked at me with concern, and told me she needed to speak to me.

What happened next was a surge of unexplainable rage. I, without a pause, grabbed her by the hair and started dragging her out of the bedroom, screaming at her to leave my home immediately. I could feel her blond strands in my grip and I held tight, as I pulled her down the stairs by her head. The last thing I remember is that scene as I woke up with a start, my arms lurching up, with my hands still grasping tight as claws. That strange, dizzying sensation as you fly straight out of a dream into reality.

EDIT: Found a gif that almost perfectly depicts it. 

I now knew who the queen of cups reversed was.

Yesterday I went on the bus with my daughter later than I had planned. We met up with her daycare group right as we were about to get off the bus, they were on their way to a field trip to the library, which is where I was heading next, so I tagged along. Lilo was excited to be with her friends, and I felt happy sitting with a gargle of children. She and the group went downstairs to the kinder section while I set myself up at one of the study booths. On her way out, she realized I would not be returning with her and she threw a tantrum.

It started at first in the basement, when she realized they were leaving after only 35 minutes in. Then when she realized I was not coming along, one of the workers had to pry her fingers off the door as she screamed in protest.

I laughed it off at first, then remembered the fact that she has been dealing with separation anxiety since Sue exited our lives. All these correlations are tantalizing my brain as I try to figure out why, after years of silence at Kathy's manipulations and blackmail dramas, I finally snapped this morning and told her in a Facebook email, that if I hear she ever contacts my mother again, I will lose what little is left of my self control and retaliate against her. My mother told me if she ever contacted her again, she will not speak to her. I didn't have to blackmail her for that.

I blew a fuse as well at Mitch after he attempted to add me on Facebook two days ago. And now, I feel complete and udder peace, unlike what I've felt in the past few months. Dare I say, I feel absolutely content right now.