I'm strong enough to walk to and from daycare again, so I've been trying to catch up with the things on my never ending list of things to do. Garden, sewing, painting, digital editing, dealing with my health and taking care of paper work, the things an adult does. Except I tend to push to much and I've been getting weak again. Weak enough to desire attachment with another male, strong enough to no longer let it dominate my thinking, weak enough to feel lost, strong enough to follow (albeit somewhat loosely) certain patterns or codes of behavior that will give me a sense of direction. Disciplined enough to keep afloat. Not disciplined enough to excel.

I have a hard time letting people in. Yet I'm always willing to give myself up to the ideal of love, which is why I rush into attachment with just anyone that makes my heart palpitate but the past few years I've learned my lesson on that front. Now I just feel numb. Good enough to avoid the abyss. But numb.

I have to adopt a modified diet, the doctors haven't told me to, but I'm feeling a 'relapse' coming on, and I know it's because of what I've been eating. There's been less gluten than before, but I can tell the difference when I'm eating bread, and when I'm not. When I eat meat and I don't, when sugar, which is already a rare treat, is ingested. That and I'm exhausting myself. It keeps thoughts away. Thoughts that threaten to just suck me into inactivity and emotional chaos.

I don't like being human. I wish I was a tree. Or a mountain.