I started out feeling like this was just what I needed. An uncomplication in my extremely fucked up mess of a life- I mean here I am sitting at home waiting for my immigration process to go through, raising a child on my own with zero dollars in the back, a married woman without a husband, a disgruntled boyfriend and a very conservative mother. And he thought under these circumstances, he should have no problem attempting to go, again, without his anti-psychotic medication...leading to a lot of unusual behaviors and his trademarked selfishness.
I tried to love him. At times I did.
But a growing numbness made me completely unable to dream of a future involving him in our lives, him taking care of his illness...I would kiss him and sometimes I felt something, most of the time nothing. I had grown tired of his carelessness. I had become completely desensitized to his never ending whine. Then he got fired.
I grew tired of it all. This time, when he said he was leaving, I was relieved. I no longer had to listen to him making excuses for his complete lack of responsability, for ignoring his daughter, being insensitive towards me...
When he closed the door behind him, I was happy. But at dinner that night with his aunt, I found myself being unable to hold back tears at the thought of the absolute futility of this situation. It doesn't take to much to find beauty and happiness in this life, especially when everything has always been handed to you and you're the parent of such a beautiful child. I wanted to DO something, but I've tried to this whole year and it has gotten me nowhere. In the end I get branded the enemy and I'm no longer in the mood for that.
It's just been Lilo and I, since the beginning I guess. I should have taken that as a sign that it was always going to be just Lilo and I and he didn't give a two-shit about us enough to get out of his walloping and never-ending pity party to see that we were something more than a burden.
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