I wish a million pounds of karma on everyone involved in this, including myself. An interpretation of my writing could be that I'm judging, and that would be a correct one. I've got no problem judging now, because I did not start this. I was just in love with a man. And I had my views about his family but I kept it to myself, at first. When they couldn't respect our boundaries I felt like there was no way I was going to let them violate the privacy of our relationship.
My ex on the other hand...wow...for him I can only think of a vague Bible passage and I'm paraphrasing here, but the road to hell is paved with gold and good intentions? Let me try again: choose the path of least resistance and you're gonna find goblins at the end? He's always looking for the easy way out. Unfortunately for him, he hasn't made the realisation that life is tough. Life is hard. And nothing good comes easily.
He thought my feelings for him were going to be, no matter what he did. He didn't understand that love is like a flower, needs sun and water. Without those it was very easy for me to choose the openess and unrestrained love ND offered me over the history him and I had together. Because with history comes predictability. And with that I knew there wasn't to big a chance that he was going to change if I let him in for the nth time.
I used to read the Bible. I remember some verses.
I of course was raised in a sternly Christian environment. Religion is not for me, but the teachings of the Bible are often tarnished by those who use it to hate and commit attrocities. There's a lot of wisdom bound in those pages. Not everything written in it, word for word is truth for everyone, but the majority of it is. I read the Bible when I was a little girl, knowing I was half-gay, and I knew that it telling me that the things I felt were not right arose from centuries of conservativity, not from an intrinsic truth.
The thing among his family is to hang on to the commercialised Eastern beliefs...think trust fund hippies driving SUVs and yoga practising. Deepak Chopra reading idiots who think that going to foreign countries and staying on resorts where they can avoid seeing the locals or learning how to spin poi makes them less ignorant than they actually are. There are many different interpretations of holy scriptures and all of them are justified, but when those scriptures are used to justify negative things, that is were I see a wrong interpretation.
Did that make sense? I know I don't really but I can rephrase that.
My ex always mentioned a misinterpretation of the concept of 'living in the present'. Living in the present does not mean shunning all responsability. Living in the present does not mean being sponteneous to the point of negligence. I've seen him and his family use these verses and these concepts to justify greed, hedonism and indulge in such nihilistic behaviors that it has encouraged me to explore these concepts myself and to try to seek a certain understanding that would benefit me and everyone around me, with more of a weight on it benefiting my neighbor (because I know I'm a giver, a nurturer and nothing makes me happier than seeing my baby, or those I love benefit from me), instead of letting myself be lulled into some false sense of righteousness.
Right now, I'm reading How to see yourself as you really are, by the Dalai Lama and The third Jesus, by Deepak Chopra and I'm starting to realise that our understanding is often molded by our desires and selfish folks would have a selfish understanding of the way things work, but I'm trying to believe in righteousness, not self rightousness.
And just to clarify, I'm not seeking enlightment. I don't want to be a saint. I'm a mother. I already have this purpose. Though when I'm older, if I'm still alive, and all my babies have flown the nest, I'll make finding Nirvana my hobby.
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