Be a man

A lot of thoughts are buzzing in my head right now. And I'm trying to just dump everything on digital ink before it all just dissipate. I'm scared. Really scared.

Mostly cause I'm sitting in the apartment all alone right now. Lilo is far gone, off to the land of Nod, but her toys are turning on by themselves. And I keep feeling like there's someone in the apartment. I'm calling ND over and over but he's mad at me. He won't answer his phone.

He's mad because I told him I agreed to let Mitch back home. Back here with me. So that I can help him out. Because his father called me this evening to ask him whether I wanted Mitch back with me, as a husband and wife thing and I said...

I said yes. Duh. Obviously. Or ND would be here, kissing on my hip. And I would be smiling at him all doe eyed because he's such a wonderful guy. And I l-luuu...I luuuh...

He's not here. He's mad at me. I'm married, I have to help my husband. Yes, even though he abandoned his daughter and I not once, not twice, not thrice, but a bajillion number of time but oh why can't you just accept that I have to help him because I want to respect the vows that he forsook?

Even though I had no problem falling in bed with another man...out with the old, in with the new I guess.  I waited for my husband to come back. He didn't. He didn't even call. Days, weeks, then months passed. Then I get a boyfriend and BLAM he ends up back in my life ...because I kidnap him out of the psychward to save him from the eveeel psych doc.

The only reason why he was mad anywas was because he feels he's too socially awkward to get with another girl. Does he really think I'm going to put my life on hold for him? Bitch. PLEASE.

And maybe this whole mess is my fault. Mitch being an overgrown man-child? His parents' fault. They've nurtured his co-dependency to boot. This is the monster they've created. I'm not surprised they're trying to unload him now. Simple principles of selfishness. Be who we want you to be or get the fuck out? Gee at least he can split. Thank God they no longer have long term psychwards or they would have stashed him there and forgotten him.

I dislike them. They're unpleasant. But one can't help feel a twinge sorry for them for having such a flaky son. 

My reasoning, is not too clear. But if he wants to see his daughter, he has to be on his meds and attending a longer outpatient program. He has to be seeing a psychologist. If he makes it here and wants to move out right away I can facilitate that for him. If he wants to be friends with me though, he's got to repair all the damage he's done to our relationship. This is not something I can help him with. As far as us getting back together, as in being married, man to wife? He's too unstable for that. I'm not sure he wants me-me. Just what he thinks I am, which is An Option.

But fuck this shit. If he thinks he's coming here to find someone else to mother him that's not gonna happen. I don't have to walk on eggshells around him anymore. He's of no real use to me now. Not to mention, he needs my help. 

Would I lose ND over it?

Why am I even helping him again? Is the fact that he tried to kill himself while he was on the phone with me factoring into that?

Am I going to get a good job?

Do people have the right to be selfish, to lead lives and adopt patterns of behaviors that hurt others?

Whose job is it to explain and breakdown holistic scriptures, and who's doing it right?

Is the sky blue or purple today?

GROW THE FUCK UP. GROW THE FUCK UP. GROW UP!!!!!!

I keep wishing for a simpler life, but maybe it's time to face the fact that I'm the one complicating my own shizzle.

Random Wiki of the day:

For the Melanesians of New Caledonia, an isolated individual is totally indeterminate, indistinct and featureless until he can find his position within the natural and social world in which he is inserted. The confines between the self and the world are annulled to the point that the material body itself is no guarantee of the sort of recognition of identity which is typical of our own culture.

Unless you're like some folks...who think the world revolves around you. You know who I'm talking about.