It's funny how intoxicating the illusion of love can be. Why hunt down any other drug when there's this barely contained supernova that can occur between two human beings touching feeling invading each other's space. And when that's gone, when it flakes away like crusty old paint flying off a wall it's the most painful thing one has to bear.
I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life in mourning. The tears, when I can't hold them back, they just pour out of my eyes, and my eyes are like a tap I can't stop and it drips it pours and I lose everything.
And it felt like something inside of me broke. Perhaps it was the wall I've encased my heart in these past few months, just needing to protect myself from any deceptive feelings, trying to get away, escape the sinking ship that was us.
He called me tonight...and the phone call ended with him asking me to move back to Kelowna and me screaming 'FUCK YOU' then I hung up.
I understand that different people understand reality in different contexts. And the end of it is, the way I experienced our relationship in an unhealthy and painful manner. But he seems to not be able to relate to it. The pain that is. And that is why I won't allow him to be a major part of our lives. I can't put myself through that torture.
He experiences life with his head stuck in the sand, like an ostrich. And while he blindly ignores Lilo and I's discomfort, he expect far more than he deserves from me.
What I expect, is for us to have the same understanding, because that's what led me to believe in the first place that what we had was something out of the ordinary. We used to be so in sync, so in tune with each other's feelings we would finish each other's sentences. We would unwittingly wear the same clothes. But it seems since that time my awareness has multiplied, while he seemed to de-evolve.
And when he asks me to 'try to get along with his mother' blatantly ignoring that it was his mother who instigated this toxic atmosphere, it makes me sick.And that's where my anger burns bright. For him to want me to crawl back in the box with him, for him to expect me to dumb myself down for him is the biggest insult.
I cannot abide with his complete disregard for the pain that he not only inflicts on me, but the constant annoyance from his relatives.
I wish I didn't hurt anymore. I wish I didn't feel this primal scream inside my guts, building up and coming out in short, angry spurts whenever he opens his mouth and spews that insensitive, inconsiderate bullshit. I wish I could tell him:
See, you and me, we're like Tricky and Martina, "chalk and cheese" and for a while it burned so bright, it was beautiful, but now there's nothing left, not even a friendship. And that kills me but they tell me it's life, that's the bitter pill that is life. I would have dropped everything over and over again had I known you was a hundred percent loyal to me. I would have hung on to you because I loved you past tense. I loved you past tense.
If I could just tell him that...I don`t know...maybe then I would be free...because I don't know if I can love anyone again. Maybe then I would be able to move on with ND. I feel like the pain isn't letting me be whole again. Fuuuuuuuuuck, I feel so fucking empty. I try to deny it but it still hurts now as if it happened yesterday.
I can't do this again. I can't fall in love again if it means risking going through something like this again.
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