15 Pounds. I've gained 15 pounds in the past 2 months...feeling sorry for myself.

real good photos there.

im still at coral house if you care at all, 

i got the stuff in the mail regarding child support .

mm

if I care at all...lol, stop acting like you're the one who's hurt, Mitch.


This is what you wanted.
You got it. Congrats!

yd. 

Do you think im partially responsible for the stock market crash?

mm

I don't know how many times you've asked me that and I'm tired. Of your crazy, non-sensical speech, of the fact that you have not even once made an effort to get better.

That's right Mitch, you are crazy. You want people to think you're crazy, you act crazy, you are. There. ARE YOU HAPPY??? Oh poor mitch, thinking about the stock market. That means he doesn't have to be responsible for anything. Congratulations again. You've earned your free pass on life. Meanwhile, you might think those responsability may have vanished, but they are on MY fucking shoulders now.

ON top of that, you really think the stock market should be any of your fucking concern when you have not made a single effort to take care of your daughter or attempt to have a decent relationship with her? Fuck you. Fuck this conversation, we've had it a million times before. AND finally, FUCK off. WHO the hell do you think you are? 'I' caused the stock market to crash...YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE CARE OF YOUR FUCKING SELF.

FUCK. OFF. 

Don't talk to me again unless you're ready to have a conversation about things that concern your daughter and I and reality as a fucking whole. I'm not going to, I'm never going to indulge in your little fantasy head trips. I have to deal with a harsher reality because you refuse to. And your continued insensitivity to that fact is the reason why I've cut you off.

So why don't you continue to indulge into these little silly mind trips. Oh look you're back in Kelowna, with your family, how happy. Continue being the village idiot while everyone around you grows and make something of their lives while you remain the same. You think everyone is going to want to hang out with you when they've got their own wives and children to take care of (given that your mother doesn't suffocate the life out of those too). Hope you get past your arrested development before it's too late. Now if you don't have anything of any importance to say to me, leave me the fuck alone.

I prefer straight-forward conversations to this fucking adult baby babble you keep throwing my way. That's right, I'm making an effort to be an adult, take care of the child you've abandoned and paying my fucking bills. Even though the doctors once told me I was so full of anxiety I had to be medicated and had to change my fucking life to accomodate my 'delicate composition'. Now I'm working nine hours a day, raising a child alone, in a strange country, without my family around to help or make excuses for me.

Right now, what the fuck are you doing with your life that's of any worth?

I just have to look at the effort you've made for your own fucking kid to determine what kind of person you are Mitch. Go on and continue being an incapable dead-beat dad. Keep making excuses for yourself.

I prefer my life nut-free.

im getting better. hes taking me off the medication.
 
soon ill be able to work, to love, to have normal reltionships, but hopefully ones that arent ladenned with the fuck word.
 
im no dead beat.
 
mm

Mitch, why are you still talking to me?

 You have had no condideration for who I am as a person, the sacrifices I made to be with you. You've had done nothing to defend me from the abuse from your family. Your overblown sense of entitlement has ruled you from the start and you treated me like I was a second class human. You've shown no affection for your daughter, made no effort to get close to her.

I am upset by the way you've treated me and your daughter. How does she eat today? How is she clothed? Where is she housed? Who pays for that? Who takes her to daycare every morning? Who puts her to bed at night? Do you know when she said her first word? Do you know what her first word was? I'm sure being around people who know nothing of the situation, and your parents has done wonders into making you believe that you have done nothing wrong, and that the pain I've gone through is not worth acknowledging. Fine. So be it.

Everyday I wake up I regret getting involved with some one as self centered as you. A friend of mine explained to me that entitlement is what has created the monster that you are today, someone so devoid of sympathy for any other person other than your own. And some would say that having parents like yours would contribute more to that. So be it. I don't want to be connected to someone with such little regards for me or Lilo. Every morning I wake up, and I work my ass off, I do it for my daughter. She is my life and I would do anything to protect her and care for her.

You've proved that you are more important to you than anyone else. I wish you all the best, and all the wonderfull love-filled relationships in the world. Maybe they won't be money-less niggers, so you can actually view them as fellow human beings and treat them as such. Don't contact me anymore. Stay away from Lilo and I. Just. Go. Away. I don't want to care anymore.

yolande, im sick of eing in hospital and all this.
 
im sorry im ready to treat you with decency and respect. i went and saw the shaman guy and i couldnt seperate you from my eotional ties to you.
 
where are you?
 
whats your number?
 
i have a virgin cell phone now so i can call you anytime here.
 
how is Lilo? ( no thanks to e of course...)
 
I think you and i should be together and find out ways to get along because this being apart isnt working for either of us.
 
i want to have a good conversation like you have always tried to.
 
Also I wish to see if we really can get along. we maybe had just gotten to that point before i left aND I SAID YOU LOOKED GOOD IN THAT DRESS. oops caps.... but you did look stunning.
 
I miss you.
 
I miss Lilo too.
 
I'll get on disability and get back there to calgary if i must. I just need your number where you are?
 
whats your om's number again?
 
well... i hope you dont totally hate me.
 
im getting stable now.
 
im only on resperidone a bit of epival and a antipsychtoic the mix seems to do the trick.
 
phone here anytime...
 
i hope to hear from you.
 
:0)
 
PS I can work anytime. I am mentally sound.
 
Mitch 

I miss you too. A lot. I keep buying clothes for you as if you're coming back...I know I get so angry with you but I regret saying mean things to you all the time...but what else am I supposed to do when the man I love is just so uncaring and cold? I still don't want to be with anyone else other than you, and I'm always willing to work on things, but when the ball is in your court and you do nothing I get upset, and discouraged and sad. I miss sleeping next to you and just having you hold me at night. A few weeks ago  I started playing that CD you bought, the one with the song 'Cocaine, running around my brain' and all I thought about was you. All I think about is you. All the time. And I'm pissed off that you left Lilo and I. I want you to come back.

But what saddens me the most is that Lilo doesn't have you in her life. And when she says Daddy in an empty room, it hurts. But your family is the obstacle, Mitch, and were the cause behind most of out fights. What do we do about them? The rest of our fights were about boundaries and the fact that they didn't respect ours and you did nothing to stop them. Are you willing to work on that? Are you really coming back or are you just pulling my leg? I want the two of us again to have our own love bubble back that no one can pierce into...and of course Lilo is in the middle of that bubble, and she needs me and you, not just I.

 Lilo and I are living on ********. It's pretty cool, though the apartment is tiny. Got hardwood floors at it's like a 3 minute drive from auntie s's. Kensington is just down the road, Lilo and I can now ride in the critical mass monthly meeting (a whole bunch of people ride around downtown in bikes...it's cool), and Riley park's two minutes from the apartment (in the car). I have a car now, it's pretty awesome and so roomy. It's a Ford focus wagon...the cargo space is a dream. I just spend all my money fixing it and now it's in perfect condition. I'm thinking about painting it: the lilo mobile! Or something cheesy like that. There's lots of cool events in the city, and it's just a matter of finding nice people and I'm starting to meet a few... I was still doing life modeling for life drawing until a month ago...moving and all that jazz has taken a lot of my time. I need so much help. It's hard just doing it by myself.

 Lilo and I built an organic raised garden in auntie s's backyard.  I'm sending you pics along with this email.

Auntie S and I have called you plenty of time on that group home phone but you're never there. Strange coincidence: after I found this apartment I realized it was the exact same number as your group home phone number: ******** don't trip out, I'm just saying...


I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm hoping to see you again. Lilo, Auntie S**** and I are going to the Calgary Folk festival this summer. It's at the end of July. It would be really nice if you were to come along. 

Well you were right. I AM a bit incapable of loving another.

Im in hospital again. I was having self harming thoughts.
 
Lets do an experient... tomorrow afternoon ill go for a walk and ill think about you. You think of me and we can see how uch the world can open up when that happens.
 
Im still so uncertain. That and im on extra drugs now, they gave my injection early and now i feel foggy headed and zombie like.
 
I keep thinking when does this shit end? But people in here seem to have their heads reseved around the fact that theyll be medicated forever.
 
im feeling better except for the extra medication but still feel kind of fucked up. 

im going back to coral house. i should be there tonight.

talk to you later

mitch

And of course the whole time I'm writing this, I have no idea I'm getting played by him again. He got himself back in the hospital and tries to manipulate me into coming to the rescue again...by lying to me about how he feels about me. Of course, when they let him out a couple of days later, he's singing a different tune: he doesn't want to come back to Calgary anymore, I've been lied to. I've been manipulated. And to him, it's nothing to worry about. He's that big a fucking sociopath, playing with my feelings, lying to me, manipulating my emotions in order to get me to do something for him, he's an expert at that... 

I eventually figure things out, though... and when I confront him about it, and ask him in front of Auntie S, if he even cares about the fact that Lilo and I are struggling, all he has to say is that no one's dying, so whatever. 

im sorry i rejected you like that but i was tense.

ya i think i ought to do the right thing here. how do i get out of coral house?

call anytime you want to. i promise ill listen and talk.

mitch

Sorry Yolande that Mark was bein such a jerk there.  

Yolande im sending you some  things in the mail, small trinkets i think youd like. :)

please dont be mad at me. it was just mark getting mad. he can be mean. 

im also sending you a letter in the mail. please read carefully and hear me through. 

mm

i still care so much abot you and for you and lilo. 

i want to be where you guys are.

forget kelowna.

i want to go on bike rides and live the organic simple life. 

thats what youre doing right?

its what we always wanted t do. 

mm

 I will never settle for what you want to have: a relationship without responsibilities, loyalty and trust...hell, I wouldn't even settle for a friendship with you Mitch. It's not what I want. It would never be what I want. Now, you keep betraying me, you're destroyed the trust I had in you, you've made no efforts to become someone with whom I could have a functioning relationship with Mitch. So what more do you want? Do you think it matters to me that you keep claiming that you care about Lilo and I where up till two days ago, your actions and words prove other wise?

When I'm telling you that I'm experiencing incredible hardships and the only thing you can come up with is that "no one is dying" tells me that a. You don't think you're at all responsible for the fact that we have a child together and that it's my burden alone to bear. Lilo is MY responsibility only? Then that means she's MY child only. We then owe nothing to you, not our affections, our cares and definitely not our acknowledgment. I owe nothing to you, especially given the fact that because I'm black, and to you and yours, that makes me someone not worth being accountable to. You have trivialized my pain, my hardships...things that were inflicted BY you.

And now that I want to move on with my life you pull this 'I still care so much about you and Lilo bullshit???"

Do you realize that, despite having gotten involved with you, I'm not a complete idiot? You've shown your family loyalty, more than you've shown me. You show more affection to strangers than you do Lilo and I. But you still want us waiting for you so that it makes you feel like you're not completely alone in this world, despite the fact that you continue to abuse us with your absence and your lack of care. These emails mean nothing when your actions don't back them up. I got all that I needed to know about your intentions from our last phone call. You are never going to change. And I'm not in love with the person you are. I despise you. I hate you. I don't want to have anything to do with a man who thinks himself so important he would continue to treat everyone around him like they owe him something.

I don't owe you anything Mitch. You've never done anything for me. You've never done anything for your daughter. You will never be the loyal, accountable father Lilo needs. You will never even be a friend to me. I can't trust you. I will no longer love you. I don't even care about the position you're in right now, since  to you, it's a lot better than being near us. Leave Lilo and I alone Mitch. It's incredibly selfish of you to try to keep me on the hook, keep me hoping that you will get better with these emails, when you clearly don't want to. Besides, it's so much easier to lie about caring for us in an email, isn't it?

Do you really think I would settle for anything else than love and trust? DO you really think your daughter deserves a father like you? I now know I'm worth a lot more than you are. I deserve so much more love than this paltry, half-assed call for attention. You're really good at trying to manipulate a response out of me with these emails, but when I talk to you, I hear the truth.

And the truth is, you only love yourself...and you're not really doing a decent job of that. You lay all your trust in those you know are going to fail you. Over and over again. I think the definition for an imbecile is someone who makes the same mistakes over and over again, and that's what you will always do. You've proved yourself predictable that way. I can always expect you to be indecisive and to always, always disappoint me and abandon Lilo and I. I can always expect, given your record, to always be selfish in the end, to never make a decision that would favor Lilo and I, only your self. Your mother has taught you well.

 A lot of people care about Lilo and I. What makes you different from all of them. I don't even talk to half of those who do. Your only contribution to her has been your DNA material.

I'm too wounded now to want to open myself up to some one else but one day I will. I will find a man who would throw every thing away to be with me, just like I once did for you. I will find someone who would love and protect Lilo, just like she's his own child. And even if that doesn't happen, I would be the one parent Lilo can always rely on for everything. I will be the one who would never abandon her. I will be the one who will always put her needs before mine. And I don't need you, and your disdain, entitlement and arrogance around us. I have no further use for your abuse Mitch. I'm not even crying right now, which proves how over your bullshit I am. Truth is, had you actually come through, this past couple of days, and remained consistent, I would have wanted you back. But I'm pretty sure my feelings would remain definite from now on: I'm not in love with you anymore Mitch. Even more I don't care about you anymore. You're done a great job of destroying whatever feelings I might have had left, after all the shit you put me through.

I could spend the rest of my life without laying eyes on your face and eventually, I will I forget who you are, and I will from now on, remember to stay away from people like you. Your lies don't work on me anymore. I've seen your true colors. 

i sent you a letter to auntie sue. in the my letter i speak the truth because i cant lie when i write it down.
 
i know the rightthing to do is to be there with you and lilo and i dont doubt people around you really care about you and lilo.
 
i know im nothing in this scheme. but i could be afther to lilo.  i could be there. we could live in *******.
 
i have the ************.
 
i seriously sometimes wonder why you hate me so much.
 
ive been mentally unwell so i havent had a job. im going searching for one today. perhaps to paint childrens' faces with face paint.
 
other than that though you dated Rob THATS why i left for kelowna.
 
Also last time we hung out you treated me like shit " OH poor mitch cant walk hoime hes too paranoid"
 
I dont need that.
 
Im not mad at you im just saying it works both ways .... maybe im too passive agressive and youre too opnely agressive.... in the end its not a good mix.... either you and i stop or nothing is learned and accomplished for lilo's sake too.
 
so what do you think? Will you read and respond to my letter?
 
tell me about hopw your days are going. I want to hear about it.
 
MM

You constantly act in an irresponsible manner so don't fucking blame people of being mean to you when they don't trust you to do the right thing.

Do you even understand the concept of trust?

When you're acting irresponsibly and irrationally and you don't give a damn about the consequences of your actions NO ONE IS GOING TO TRUST YOU! Maybe you shouldn't have gone off your medication, which led you to act in a paranoid manner, making people (because it wasn't just me) not trust your ability to make rational decision. But you did. You always want to do whatever the fuck you want, right or wrong and you expect others to still treat you like a responsible adult and it doesnt works that way.

And rationality must be a concept absolutely foreign to you, or we wouldn't even be having this conversation.

You still sit there and act like 'oh I've done nothing wrong and Yolande is mad at me' and that is some fucking bullshit.

You don't think I have the right to be mad at the way you've treated Lilo and I?

 If you don't then I want nothing to do with someone unwilling to acknowledge the wrong he's done towards me and his child.

You don't get to fucking act as if you're innocent and you've been picked on unfairly when you are guilty of behaving in a disgusting manner from the start.

Unless, in Mitch's world, being married to me and cheating on me, treating me like a stranger even though we were in a relationship, accusing me of cheating, refusing to live with me, abandoning our child, refusing to care for her is perfectly acceptable behavior.

If your so-called illness is messing with your cognative skills and you actually don't understand that when you act in a harmful manner toward others, you don't get a positive result then I can't help you, nor can I keep talking to someone who doesn't understand the concept of accountability.

 Perhaps you've been listening a bit too much to your family members telling you that you can get away with anything...though that only applies to the things that you do to Lilo and I, because we're not real people according to you guys...which is funny, considering that they haven't allowed you to get away with the things you do to them...but I guess they're the only family you've got so only they have the right to get offended by anything.

And I repeat, since you don't seem to understand english: You have been mean and unpleasant to me. You have humiliated me and violated my trust, hurt my feelings. You have repeatedly placed your own needs above mine. You cavorted around town with your own fucking cousin, treating her better than I, your so called wife.

And you don't think I have any grounds to despise you?

I started dating Jason because no matter how hard I tried, you refused to resume our relationship. I was within my right to do so. I was in a relationship with a man (you) who refused to treat me like his wife and asked for a divorce. And when I asked if we could get back together you refused. Over and over again. You know what that meant? It meant I had the right to be with someone who wanted to be with me.

And you told me, along with EVERYONE ELSE who would listen, that you didn't want to be with me. So you DON'T get to throw a fit and storm out of town.

I'm not going to sit here and apologize for anything when every day I wake up I pay the price of having gotten involved with someone who refuses to be held accountable for his actions.

You don't get to ignore your words, what you said, and what you did to create the problem and just shrug your shoulders, wondering 'oh why am I being persecuted when I've done nothing wrong?'  when you've done something wrong, you just don't want to be responsible for those actions.

You're blaming it on your scapegoat illness and you think that's going to stick?

Boo-fucking-hoo. Until you accept responsibility for your actions, I'm not going to stop seeing you as a spoiled brat who thinks he has the right to get away with anything.

You also keep refusing to return to Calgary. What more do you think I owe you then? If you're mentally ill, you can't be a father. If you can't be a father, then I have to be, and I have been Lilo's father. One day, who knows, someone else is going to be her father. You know why? Because you, not me, you dropped the ball.

I might be aggressive and 'an angry person', but at least I've been honest from the start and I remained loyal to you, no matter what you did. I was honest and I was loving But I'm not a fucking saint, and I've reached my limit.

And most of it is because you dare act like I don't have the right to be hurt. Like all the shit you do is acceptable, but I can't get mad, I don't have the right to. Who do you think you are? You don't deserve to be treated like a king, or even be treated decently, when you treat others like trash. The whole time you were here last time, you acted like it was such a bother to be near Lilo and I. When I tried to get you to be close to her, you acted like I was wasting your time. Then you fucking think I'm going to be easy around you? You think I was going to continue being friendly when you were doing your best to be unfriendly towards me? How dare you!

Your tone in your emails are still aloof and I'm sorry to shatter your fragile ego, but you don't have any fucking ground to stand on when you won't admit you fucked up.

You won't even admit that it was YOUR decision to start behaving in a fucked up manner towards me that started all this trouble. And you don't get to talk to me in a friendly manner as if we're buddies because I'm pretty sure if the roles were reversed, you wouldn't even be talking to me. I've given you chance after chance to talk this out, and to work towards something, but you are STILL acting like you've done nothing wrong, because you have an excuse: your mental illness.

Ah, congrats, you get to get away with everything...

Then perhaps you should stick with those who supposedly don't hold you accountable to anything. And the way they deal with your behavior is by doping you to the point where you're sitting in a corner drooling. You might think you're getting away with it, but you're not. Society has deemed you broken and they're treating you like a broken person. You're not making an effort to fix yourself, so you're going to remain broken. I can't do anything for you, nor do I want to keep bending over backwards for someone who won't become independent and responsible.

You're still talking about Invermere like it belongs to you. There's another concept you don't understand. I've been trying, for the past 3 years to get you to go to psychotherapy to go fix the fucked up notions you're living with, but again, my advice isn't worth shit to you. My words have never been worth shit to you. You treat me like shit. Have from the start. You refuse to see that I got pissed off after you repeatedly wouldn't behave nicely towards me.

But I don't have the right to be mad, right?

The bottom line is, I don't want to deal with your lies anymore. I'll read your letter but there's no more room in my life for you fucking around with my feelings, telling me one thing one day, and telling me the opposite the next, and walking in and out of our lives.

You have no respect for anyone and I don't need that in my life.

If you think that kind of behavior is right then I'm sure you don't mind having people do the same to you.

That's not what I am going to accept in my life anymore. Unless you start being consistent, and by that, I mean a %100 consistent and truthfull, then I don't want anything to do with you anymore. Period. No if/but.

It's that simple.

I want simplicity, honesty and trust in my life. If you're not going to bring that to the plate you are not welcomed in my life. If you hold me accountable for my temper, then you should hold yourself accountable for your dishonesty.

If you think you have the right to behave however you want and expect nothing but praise and love and adoration in return you're not going to find it with me, or anywhere else for that matter. Don't deal with me anymore unless you're ready to change, Mitch. 

And last, I don't like your passive aggressive behavior. At least when I'm angry, I'm honest about it. I let you know: what pissed me off, what I would like to see happen. You? You never say anything. You just start ignoring me, or you use your family to piss me off.

I was not angry before you started your bullshit, and I've never been angry at you for absolutely no reason. So we're not going to move forward until you start acknowledging that and you start acknowledging that you behaved despicably towards Lilo and I.

Then you get into psychotherapy and get some direction in your life because I'm going somewhere, not back and forth like you, and we're not going to see eye to eye if only one of us is moving forward and the other is chasing his tail.

You either come to calgary and you stay in Kelowna. Like I've said over and over again, if you're in another city, I don't need to bother with you, because it shows me that your priority isn't your daughter, it's yourself. If your priority is yourself, then leave us alone. If you're willing to think beyond your self, and try being selfless for once in your life then I'm willing to hear you out. But I'm not fucking doing this back and forth shit anymore. I'm done.

If you can't make a decision, someone else would make it for you. That's the way it's been among humans since the dawn of our species and I'm not about to wait a life time for you to make one single decision. I've already waited 2 years. I'm done waiting. I'm through with that.

I'm fucking consistent. I'm not changing my story, I'm constantly trying to be honest, I'm blunt and straight to the point. I want to deal with people who do the same. 

I'm tired of all of this. If you don't want to become a healthy, trustworthy, consistent, loving and responsible person just let Lilo and I go. I've given too much of myself to you and I've wasted so much. I want to be in a productive relationship. I want to be with someone who makes me happy, who makes an effort to make me happy. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want someone who would keep Lilo safe and defend her and I at any moment, at all cost.

I know that person's not you Mitch.

You've never wanted to be that person, you've never tried to be that person. You probably felt like a big guy 'rejecting' me on the phone but your aunt was sitting right in front of me and heard everything.And now, even she's not quick to tell me 'how much you love me' because we all know that's bullshit now. You're crazy. You say you're better but the shit you pulled on the phone tells me otherwise...that or you are truly insensitive, and you don't care how much pain you cause me.

If that's the case just stay away. All the years I've known you I know what hurts you, and if you claim not to know something hurts me, then you really have just been using me as an object all along, and haven't been seeing me as a human being, and if that's the case, there's another reason why I don't want to be near you.

How can you jokingly trivialized the horrible shit I'm going through? How can you continue to refuse to see things for what they are? If you're such an 'empath' as you constantly claim to be, how can you not give a damn about ALL the fucking pain you've inflicted on me and your daughter? I don't think you even get it. I don't think you even understand how much you fucked up when it came to us. I don't think you understand how completely through with your bullshit I am. You think you're going to lie to me again and I'm just going to stupidly think 'oh, Mitch is finally telling me the truth'.

Unlike what you said in your email, being 'tense' isn't a reason to backtrack, change your story and sing a different tune. You told me you wanted to come back, then all of a sudden you're an asshole...and again it was perhaps my fault that I got hurt, for continuing to believe in a liar.

I don't have any more chances for you. You keep talking about coming down here but you don't even love me, and you don't love your daughter. I'm starting to realize that you never have. I should have known that when you abandoned me in Vancouver...I have never felt so much pain in my life.

 I don't think you will ever understand how much pain you've inflicted on me. That's why you don't understand now that I'm through...I can't take your shit anymore. This is the limit. I'm done.

You will never be there for me when I need you.

You would never sacrifice your own comfort for Lilo and I. That's how I know that despite your numerous claims to want to be a father to Lilo, you will never be that. I picture the moments you abandoned me in Vancouver, and Kelowna, and Calgary...I look at her face and I could never walk away from her but you did...without a thought...and you don't even see her.

 Lilo doesn't deserve that and if you really cared, despite your fucked up character you would do the right thing and just stay away, because I can heal the pain of having you run away all the time but a little child doesn't.

The wound stays with them forever and thank god, Lilo's been too young so far to notice. But If you want to bring your selfish ass back here just to fuck her up I swear to God I will hurt you. Because you don't have the fucking right to hurt people like this. If you can't find happiness and center yourself, and you refuse the psychotherapy then just stay the fuck away, please. Just stay the fuck away. Because I don't want anymore additional pain in my life. I want to be loved, and Lilo wants and needs to be loved and taken care of fully. You only want to satisfy your crazy notions and yourself. Only Mitch Martyna matters to Mitch Martyna, and that's something you've made clear for everyone. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I will read your letter but I doubt it would change my mind.

From talking to you on the phone two days ago, I know you haven't changed a bit. You haven't made any progress. You will come up here and try to pull the exact passive agressive, 'everyone should make Mitch feel happy' shit that you always pull and I will not be a part of that. I'm going to leave it to the stars and hope they bring me a man who loves me and Lilo so I can put in all the effort I used to put into you, cooking for you, doing your laundry, driving you left and right, giving you my body, my love, abandoning my family for you, driving everyday to the hospital so that you won't be alone and you can see our baby...I will put that effort into a relationship that he and I will both want. I don't need the bullshit you give anymore. I really wanted that person to be you. I was so convinced you and I were meant to be together that I took a gamble...and I lost big time and now I'm paying for it in so many painful ways but you don't care. You don't give a shit. So continue to not give a shit and lie. I'm going my own way now. I'm not stopping for anyone, anymore. I'm not waiting for you anymore.  

......................................................

I thought I would have heard back from you by now. But that doesn't matter, really...I don't think there's anything I've written that's inaccurate. I still love you, and I perhaps always will. I hope it goes away eventually.

I keep expecting to be over this by now, but I'm still hurting a lot. Lilo's fatherless. I'm struggling. We're poor. But the other option, which is continuing to be forced to deal with your lies and inconsistencies is not an option. I'm not going back to that. I'm not going to do that anymore...

So you do whatever you want now.  

i love you too yolande. very much! and i wish to high heaven we could work things out. only thing is we seem to be very different people and it appears difficult to see past our walls.
 
are we meant for each other or d owe just need time to grow and see if in time we end up back together?
 
i dont know.
 
though ive learned a lot lately about respect and selflessness, mainly that these are high virtues and i strive to attain them.
 
its a semi bhuddist approach, im sure you know.
 
also i miss LILO!
 
She was taching me so much beforee i left about LOVE and GIFTS... Do you know before she wa shanding me the diapers and lilke saying "here."
 
 
 
Also what's new in your life?
 
I'm just listening to Marilyn Manson and Eminem and DEl the funkee Homospaien here...
 
That and I think I'll get out on the bicycle tomorrow.
 
I realize i sometimes end up in codependant reltionships and thats partially what Mark here is... So I dont want to continue that with you, i think that s kind of what we had before and why it wasnt working. i used you to feel less anxious in public, but that anxiety is going away now. im dealing with it.
 
im anxious however to hear back from you.
 
(Notice how my english has improved! :) )
 
Anyways im glad you sent this email, you sound a lot better here than your other ones. i mus admit i didnt read them because i get a sense of whats there already.
 
i think youre a great writer.
 
Maybe sometime Mark and I could visit!
 
Ok.
 
Peace.
 
mm

............................

Hey,

I've just been reading the toltec MASTERY OF LOVE book.

Apparently I am in Hell.

And according to the book sex in hell has repercussions like guilt.

Apparently God in his infinite wisdom seeing as I was not a fully formed christian allowed me to live out this life to make ammends for all the suffering I have caused my fellow human beings on this planet.

Or so far that is my conclusion. I thought you should know perhaps that's why I felt so bad after the accident whenever we were close.

Really now all my reltionships since the accident have been gloomy and codependent...

so this is mark's computer. he needs to sleep...

so later.

i hope that helps.

mm

see...I feel like you're still not grasping...understanding anything out of me, perhaps because you don't take me seriously at all. I send you those letters for a reason.

Hell, if you're not even bothering to read them...then why do I keep bothering? You talk about us being different and not seeing past our walls? Perhaps that's because you're not listening to me. You're still not listening to me.

What this is, at this point, is us talking AT each other...again, here I am, making an effort to actually comprehend you and there you are, again, not making one. If we're not even actually communicating, and you're filtering what I'm saying to you then there's nothing else to do Mitch. I'm sitting here making an actual fucking effort to understand you and to have a serious conversation with you, and you're actually picking and choosing between each email which one is light enough for you? You're still finding a way to blatantly ignore me?

My thing is, why do I keep talking to you? You're just that good at manipulating responses out of me.

I'm pissed off that this all seems to be a joke to you. It always had. And the more angry I get the less you give a fuck so why don't I take your approach, and stop giving a fuck about what you have to say. Good on you for your codependent relationship with you so called friends, but you treat me now like I'm a throwaway because you have him? In fact, our relationship got in trouble because you were too busy trying to latch on to other people left and right and continuously abandoned me. And you're still not taking me seriously.  And I don't appreciate that treatment. Because it proves exactly what I was trying to say in those emails.

The emails you didn't bother reading, just like your letter in the mail I'm not going to bother reading. Because I guess it's just as unimportant as my emails. And let me stop with the emails as well, because now that I know you're not actually listening to what I'm saying...again...I feel like I'm being used as just something to entertain you during the day again. You just use people...and that's all. And when I get mad about being used, about you not even bothering to put in as much as I am to improve the relationship, you just assume there is an irreparable difference and use it as justification for walking away.

Well, I've had a voice in my head telling me that it's better if I cut you out of my life. And literally, everything you've been doing so far has pushed me closer to that conclusion. You want to have light-hearted conversations with me? Then you better earn your way back into a place where that can happen. But again, you just expect me to talk friendly with you. You think you can just ignore what I have to say and I'm just going to have to be okay with it. No, these are not codependent relationships you keep getting into, you just use people left and right to get what you want, but have you ever fucking made an effort to get to know someone?

No. You haven't. You just use people. You think that portraying yourself as a victim in a codependent relationship changes that fact? Fucking stop, Mitch. Let me go I'm not one of the people you can fuck with anymore. If you don't want to have a serious, meaningful involved relationship with me for fuck's sake, let me go, leave me alone, go away, WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't contact me unless you're actually willing to make the fucking effort Mitch. And for fuck's sake, I'm going to actually learn my lesson and stop talking to you. I'm not sending you another email...fuck. I'm wasting my time talking to you. We're not actually getting anywhere I'm wasting my time. So this is the part where I start ignoring you again. And now that I actually know that you're not listening to me, I don't think I'm going to respond again. 

i see.
ok

this drama i just cant handle.

id rather be here i think.  

...........................................

im going to read your emails.

im sorry i didnt read them

i want to know about how you feel.

mm

....................................

Fine.

youre right

ill change.

i understand that yolande.

i just dont want to choose sides.

i agree with you though.

ill be honest, i want to come to calgary.

i want to bi inyour and lilo's life.

ok? i know its a crime my being here.

im sorry for being an asshole to you.

im not so obsessed with sex anymore.

so i wont abuse you

i never claimed to be an empath.

and if i am it is a curse.

but dont be angry that i gave your body sex

i mean it was never rape

we were just too codependent thats all

so youve bee thorugh pain

so have i

and the reason mitch only cares about mitch at this point is somehow youve made this whole thing into an us versus them

i dont see things that way

stop taking what you hear from people and makind harsh judgments about me for them

its gossip and if you want to go through life gossiping thats fine but dont involve me

i was fucked up, sure, but im not broken

i am however really screwed up because you WERE abusive, we were BOTh abusive to each other.

im sorry... i know that snot enough,

i am smarter than to get mixed up and fucked up

but did you sleep with my brother Cam?

If you did i have resons to think how fucked up it really was.

I know it probably in good fun but still... leaving me in the dark there yolande , keeping me naive... only increased my paranoia and delsuions.

and there ws that one time you "peed your pants" in the hsopital parking lot.

no yolande im not a bad person and i DO and have needed in the past to take resperidal for my anxiety.

im sorry again, if you needed to cheat it was probably cause you couldnt get away from me.

im sorry.

i was hooked on the sex.

im mostly sorry.

i hope you are happy in the future andf im sorry for all the pain ive caused you.

right now i feel close to death.

youre right society has labeled me broken.

i think ill go live in invermere.

and this is the part where i feel i just want to be near you and lilo.

because its the only love ive experienced which was real good to me.

i dont want to shamefully abuse your body anymore.

i just want a friendship based on good communication, trust... but i know you dont care anymore.

i have to go.

mm

i hope you respond.

im not trying to be a victim its just that like you say i cant love another unless i love myself too.

I'm sorry Mitch, but you claim I was abusive, and totally ignore the fact that everyday we were in Kelowna, you would come back from work and accuse me of cheating on me, call me a whore, and yell at me. Or did you forget that? Smashing the glass window and chasing after me with a hammer. Did you forget that? We didn't start screaming at each other until we arrived in Calgary and by then I had enough of you constantly turning on me instead of being my PARTNER, FRIEND, HUSBAND.

Guess what that means? It means that if there's a side you need to be on, it's Lilo and I's. It means that if there are people you need to defend, Lilo and I are first in line. It means that if there's someone I need to rely on, it's you. If you need to lean on someone, it's me. It's a partnership, but you didn't want to be any of those things to me.
And you didn't feel like you owed Lilo anything.

If that's the case then you clearly only need to be with yourself, if no one else matters, or is important enough. If you've got no sides to chose then you don't belong anywhere, with anyone. And that's what it ultimately comes down to. People,even you, Mitch, expect loyalty from the ones closest to them. And even when you were cheating on me, you got mad at the thought of me being with anyone else. How come you left when Jason was here? You, who claim that you're on no one's side. Clearly you expected me, and you still expect me to be on your side. How come you won't return the favor then? You know that saying "my friend's enemy is my enemy?" it's been around for thousands of years. Human beings like belonging somewhere. And you want to belong somewhere, you better show loyalty for that place. And if you want to be here, with me and Lilo, guess what? We expect loyalty from you.

You as Lilo's dad, can't go around treating other children better than her because it would hurt her feelings, make her sad, feel like she's not good enough. But that's the way you treated me. And that's why I ultimately don't trust you can be a father because you've got your notions all confused. Because what you did to me I easily see you do to her. And really, you claiming not to want to choose sides is really cowardliness.

The first email you sent contained the reaction I've grown to expect from you at all times: You wanted to run away. You always want to run away. And you claiming that you don't want to pick sides is just an excuse. How would that excuse stand if ever Lilo was being harassed by your family? Do you honestly think I would trust your 'non-picking-side' self to protect her? Does it make you feel special, claiming to be above others because you stay on the line? Eventually, if you're not a part of something, you won't belong. You left Lilo and I because you didn't think we were anything to you. You treated us like nothing.

So if we are nothing, why do you keep in touch?

Second of all, you are weak. You are a coward. You run away from problems, not realizing you're just exchanging one set of trouble for another. Life is suffering. Life is hard. People stick together because it's easier to shoulder a problem as a pair than it is alone. But you, you've got your notions all fucked. Our sharing of feelings, and energy, and genetic material, our relationship, something that was so meaningful to me, you defiled that.

By first, acting like sex with me was a bad thing, was a negative thing, we shared too much. Well, if you didn't like it, why did you want to have it all the time? You sit there and speak of something that was the physical expression of my love for you like it was the dirtiest, most shameless act there was. Like being with me that way was disgusting. Deep down inside, I feel like you despise me! Look at all the things you really think of me: I'm a whore who sleeps with your brother, I was abusive as heck, I'm not worth siding with, sleeping with me is a sick thing to do, relying on me and being my partner=co-dependency...

I was not co-dependent on you! I loved you! I fought hard to get us to a place where we could have peace, I struggled to make you happy because it killed me to see you so sad, I am a strong person. I never thought I would be but here I am taking care of Lilo alone. I'm sorry sex was horrible for you but when we were still in love sex was a beautiful thing to me. I wanted it all the time. It was a beautiful hunger I needed to satisfy, and I didn't want to be with anyone else other than you.


But nooo that's just horrible. Wanting you, of all people, wanting to be by your side, clearly there was something wrong with me. There was. I fell in love with a loveless person. I fell in love with a weak person.

Someone unwilling to defend himself, so of course, how could he defend me when I needed him?

But for some reason, i saw beauty in you.
I don't anymore.

I used to think you were the most gentle, kind person. I used to love your off-color jokes. I used to love us drawing and painting next to each other, cooking or fucking in the kitchen...I used to think you cared about me.

I realize now that you didn't.

I slept with you because I loved lying there next to you, feeling you inside of me. I used to think that you worried about whether I was okay or not, hungry or not, cold or not, because that's what I did for you, because I thought that when you loved someone, you took care of them and they took care of you.

Inter-dependence.

Sure you were more reliant on me but I expected us to grow together, to learn together, to get stronger together. Because when I first met you, I had just gotten out of the psychward. I was weak. I didn't know that I had it within me to one day be taking care of Lilo by myself. But ironically, my love for you, this weak-willed coward, made me a little stronger, but having Lilo in my belly, knowing that she relied on you and me to protect her, that was the ultimate source of my determination and strength. And everyday Lilo grows stronger, I know I'm doing the right thing.

And as far as her picking sides goes, she's my daughter. When she cries, she calls for her mommy. Because she's a baby, she can lean on me. As a child, she can do the same. As an adult, she will be more independent, but if something bad happens, I'll be right there by her side. If she fucks up, I'll be on the side of the person she hurt. If she was hurt by someone, I will kill that person. In any other relationship, if we were somewhere in couple's therapy, there would be no doubt, YOUR FAMILY crossed the line. Lilo, you and I were a unit. They had NO right to mess with that...but of course in this case they could because you LET them.

That's Mitch for you, always passive...Do you know what life does to passive people? It allows others to make choices for them. And then somewhere down the line, you find yourself in a situation you didn't want to be in. Perhaps that's what happened when we got married...but that's not really true. You chased me. You wanted me. You fucked me. You asked me to move in. When we got married, we were supposed to become a team, one...and Lilo was the manifestation of that union. But you chose to ignore it, like that never happened...


You want the irresponsibility of a child. You still act and think with the carelessness of a child. I'm a woman. I'm a mother. I am not a child. I'm an adult. I have a child. You're older than me. You're supposed to know more than me. Heck you're supposed to be stronger. You're an adult, you're a father...genetically. And that's it. You want to behave like a child? Like one of your trust-fund 'friends'?

Here's an example of the absurdity of your no-side policy...If you got jumped tomorrow by a group of mean dudes, you would expect a friend to come to your rescue, wouldn't you?

What if that friend decides not to get involved, because his brother is one of the guys kicking your ass. You would feel betrayed. You would expect him, as your friend, to have your back. When you accuse me of cheating on you, you feel pain because you expect me to be faithful to you. Your moral lassitude and entitlement, however, stops you from applying that same rule you impose on others on yourself.


You started the abuse Mitch, by making the decision to treat me like shit. It was fueled by your mother, by you desire to remain irresponsible and care-free, by your selfishness. I was just the idiot who took it until I started standing up for myself, and when I did, oh now I'm abusive. Because clearly cheating on me in the hospital wasn't enough, you had to somehow transfer your guilt onto me didn't you? Is that what I deserved? After quitting my job and dropping everything for you Mitch? Being alone in a cold, scary town, just to be with you?

Well I'm sorry I ever wanted you.
I really am sorry. It was a bad decision on my part.

I never should have trusted in you and believed that you could one day become a responsible, loving individual.

I'm sorry that by defending myself from you and your family's abuse, I violated a rule among you guys that dictates that anyone you choose to abuse cannot retaliate or fend for themselves.

I'm sorry that instead of sitting in the car and saying nothing while you're screaming at me and accusing me, your pregnant wife, of sleeping with your boss, who I've never met, I slapped you.

I'm sorry I slapped you because I felt insulted, humiliated, and betrayed by the one man I'd trusted and loved, and sacrificed for. Clearly, I'm still to you, nothing more than a cheating whore, who slept with your brother, although last time, it was Scott you accused me of sleeping with.

But I guess you paranoia doesn't really stick to a specific storyline when it comes to slandering me.

I'm sorry that instead of taking your passive aggressive abuse while you're being incestuous with your own cousin, I defended myself, and yelled at you for being a heartless jerk, for putting me through the worst while Lilo was in my belly. Clearly, I had no right, to stand up for myself. I had no right to yell at you, though that's the only way you would listen to me. Heck, I have to always get mad, before you actually listen to me, or read my emails, and hear what I have to say.

I guess I even have to apologize for having to fight so hard for you to hear me. Sorry that I thought I was the most important person in your life, before Lilo came along. It clearly, was really arrogant of me, here's a guy I've known for five years, we have a baby, we're married.

Clearly you're the last person I should rely on. Well, trust me, I'll never such a horrible mistake again.
I'll never rely on you for anything.
I'll never expect you to be by my side.
I'll never expect you to be a father.
I'll never, ever again expect that you would tell me the truth. I
'll never expect that when you make a promise to me, you'll actually carry it out.

I'm so so sorry I've stressed your delicate self out.
I'm sorry that I stress you out with unnecessary concepts like reliability, trust, partnership, equal treatment, fairness and love.

I'm really sorry that I make life such a bummer for you, with sex, with my stupid little expectations. I'm sorry that you don't love me. Clearly, I should be like you, I shouldn't pick sides. And It's as clear as a cloudless summer sky, that I shouldn't have picked YOUR side.

I'm sorry I've ever enjoyed sex with you.You've made it very clear that it was a horrible experience for you and I never should have benefited from your pain. I don't know why you think that sex with me was a bad thing or that you were hurting me, clearly I don't think crazy.

Also, you might think our relationship ending has to do with our differences, but you deep down well know that it was because you never made a single effort to make it work, to build an inter-dependent relationship with me. I thought I was moving towards that with my expectations of you: I hoped you would become a man, a strong man, you used to look the part. But you just wanted to remain a child...I had no idea that was your goal.

You claim you want a friendship with me with good communication, and trust? I've proved to you, over and over again, that I would be by your side. Hospital stay after hospital stay. I was faithful...until you announced you wanted a divorce in December 08. Even then I still waited until August 09 before I got involved with Jason.

You proved to me that your illness was your pass to irresponsible behavior with no apparent consequences, but there are consequences, aren't they...you're all alone, aren't you.

Don't you wish you'd picked sides now...

I hope, that despite your messed up morals, and the crazy rules that you live by, the way you distort and turned what was a beautiful relationship into something that fills me up with soo much sadness today, I hope that you...I don't know. I don't even want to wish you well anymore. I'm in pain. I don't want your friendship. Because I know what it's like to be your wife...and it's a very lonely, painful thing. But who knows, perhaps being your friend would be a step above being your wife...you certainly treat your 'friends' a lot better than you've ever treated me.

I could laugh right now...but no Mitch. If you just want to come down here, and live vicariously through the life I've fought so hard to have for your daughter and I you can't. You've never wanted to do a single thing for me. 

Life is intense. Life is suffering. And oh I've suffered so much because of you. Yet I know happiness today because I suffered. I suffered for Lilo, now I rejoice knowing I've got such a beautiful child. You're ran away from all hardship, and because of that, Mitch you will never live. You would never ever understand what it's like to work so hard and endure so much for anything. I've got anxiety, yet I live. And it hurts. And I live and I'm happy. I meet new interesting people everyday, because I take the chance to open up to them. You took a chance on me and we were happy, until you stopped taking chances and chose the other way, hiding, behind your mother, behind the medicine, in the hospital. I choose my risks carefully. I didn't with you. With you I just loved...not caring about the consequences.

And all the negative things you put me through, all the slander and the constant accusations of cheating (which is just a way for you to mask your own guilt for having done it to me) are nothing compared to Lilo. She was worth the pain of knowing you.

I have nothing more to say. I'm not going to sit here anymore and watch you nurture your paranoia and delusions, instead of focusing on building up positive character attributes. You would rather hang around with your mentally ill friends, thinking you have so much in common with them.

Well, I originally started hanging out with you because I thought we understood each other, having had to deal with anxiety and the mental ward beat. Look what that got me. A whole lotta pain and more anxiety. But I've also grown as a person. And I appreciate myself even more. Go me.

That being said, I won't share myself with you knowing you won't do the same. And that goes for all sorts of relationships: friendship, sexual...hell, you wouldn't even share yourself with me in bed. Is that why you always get up and walk away after you come? Because you just fucked a dirty thing? Because to you it's meaningless? Well, it used to be beautiful to me. So was our relationship. But you have a way of uglifying everything to the point where I've questioned all those things I used to value about being with you, I've questioned our happy times. And I don't want your paranoia, your lies-fueled delusion.

I loved you. I loved you immensely. It was the most meaningful relationship I've ever had. I was so happy to be with you, and happy to have a child with you. I don't care if you didn't feel the same way. I walked on air when I was by your side. And if you didn't feel the same way I don't give a fuck. I don't know why you constantly went out of your way to make me feel useless and meaningless to you...so I guess in this way you got what you wanted. I'm nothing to you now. Or...I'm something to you as long as I remain at a distance.

Living with me, building a life, those things you dream about but are afraid of doing...those are your issues now.

Your back and forth is what ultimately destroyed what we had. And no, you can't be on the sidelines and still be with us, Mitch.

You can't be a friend to me after betraying my trust and still reap all the benefits of being a part of Lilo and I's life.

You can't fucking live life carefully. No. Fuck that. And fuck you, for still trying to have a 'sanitized' version of Lilo and I. There is no easy version of us. There is no 'at arm-length' way to be with us. There's no way for you to be in Kelowna and be here. You can't be in two places at once.

So if you don't want to be here, and you don't want to be with your parents', Coral House must be just a cozy middle point.


I know you are not man enough to be my husband, my lover. And you are definitely not man enough to be Lilo's father, the one she looks up to. You are not the hero she needs, you will never be. She doesn't deserve to have her life shattered by your continued cowardice.

You've proved that to me.

Because you don't have the balls to be with me, to be faithful to me, to be my equal and partner, because I'm black, and you don't have the balls to go against your family's will, you end up alone now.

Because that's what happens when you don't pick sides.

So what happens when you meet another chick crazy enough to spread her legs to you? Do you make her feel bad for sleeping with you? No, you would probably treat her like gold, like she's the queen to your king, you'll worship the ground she walks on? Would you be a father to her kids?

Well whatever you decide to do from this point on, I know I'm not a part of it. I never was a part of your life and I never will be. You've already decided in your mind that I'm a bad person, worthless, cheating slut, not worth making an effort for. Your family helped you reach that conclusion. And then they abandoned you.


 I wish I could wish you a happily-ever-after, but you don't deserve it. Would you put work into another relationship when you never put any in ours?

That's okay. I don't care if you don't like me anymore. It would be nice to find someone who would love me and work as hard on our relationship as much as I worked on ours. But Lilo's my priority.

I'm the only parent she has, after all. I'm also a human being capable and deserving of love. I will always aspire to be that. And despite the pain of losing you, I will always have Lilo. I pick sides. I scream at those who offend me. I'm a beautiful woman and I'm proud of my sexuality, temper and fire. I'm proud of the way I defended myself against you and your family. I'm proud of my tribal, African ancestry. I'm proud of being a parent. I'm proud of at least, attempting to be a good wife. I'm proud of being a single mother.


This is the last letter I would send you since it's clear that you will never be inter-dependent with me.

And I won't settle for anything less than you being a loving husband to me and devoted father to Lilo. You don't deserve Lilo and I. You never did. Instead of considering yourself a lucky guy for landing me and being blessed with Lilo... you made such a stink you lost everything, insyead of working hard to care for us.

 Everyone has to work hard to get something in life...unless they cheat. So if you don't like doing the moral, right thing because it's too hard your other options are: continue to avoid life, or become a bona-fide villain.

Good luck making that decision. 

i know its my paranoia but im still not sure you didnt also cheat on me.

whether you did or not doesnt matter.

i know sex isnt a bad thing. its love.

and thats my hangup maybe the first time we had sex it was love but then i became greedy.

i suppose thats why i cant be a father to lilo is because i am undeserving because the conception was just too much driven by my fire (greed) but your reception was divine.

i leanre dthis by meditating and looking at this painting ive been working on of a red rocket ship ebtering the airspoace of earth.

i know it sounds werid. my art is lik ethat it sometimes tells me things ofmm yself when i reflect on it.

yu call me a coawrd because im not a fighter. id simply rather make friends and go through the hardship that way rather than have to fight people off.

as for  the cheating... i kissed ONE girl in hospital... do you know, im sorry, im sure that hiurt you.

anyways i realize we cant re4adily or easily be friends...

did you know yesterday i saw a black woman and her daughter wolking down the street? I became so excited that i ran across the street to see her and yelles "Yolande!" it wasnt you so she said "yes?"

andi said "oh i thought you were soemone else.

and the kid was like "who do you thought she was?"

it was invigorating becuase i thought that could have been you in a prallel dimension...

as for my life i know from what ive experienced lately that i DO have a problem with women mainly opening to them. i have so many walls and i felt like with yoiu i was just learning to see past them when i closed off again and we began to argue.

to be honest i feel sexless. because you are the only one that would turn me on.

anyways i pray for you that you find someone.

I wish I could say I'm going to be a man...

.............................................

yolande im going to get a divorce from you. 

.............................................

hey there yolande,

i hope you answer these emails...

whatever was done im ok with.
i dont want to be a vicitm so ill start by having an open mind about everything that has happened.

I just want to make clear i had NO sexual relations with my cousin and alos that im real sorry i scared you even had the accident in front of you, that must have been scary, also i am getting better. stronger less paranoid and more self assured.

I hope this is going to be good because i want to be a man for lilo not a child.

lilo was teaching me so much before i left and i dont care anymore about rob.

i admire that you could find a guy that loves you so fast. that is a blessing.

i just had a talk with my dad and so ill be moving on perhaps doing school again.

to be honest im not craving a relationship right now so i guess what im saying is that in speaking to you i just want to give you respect.

also im not am empath.

what else...

ok you got what you wanted, i got what i wanted, lets just call a truce.

mm

I didn't get what i wanted. I wanted us to be a family, you didn't. I wanted to be with you, you don't. You get to move on with your life like nothing happened. I'm stuck raising your child alone. I'm...happy you're moving on with your life. You are back in your family's good favors. That's what you wanted. Please don't contact me anymore. just leave me alone. You are so heartless. Leave me alone and go and live your life stop talking to me. You don't care. At all. Only yourself Mitch, only you is important to you so PLEASE please leave me alone and just go away go do whatever you want. I never want to see, or hear or speak to you again. I don't. Go you for getting a divorce. Go you for going back to school. Why do you keep talking to me when you're not in love with me? Leave me alone. DONT EMAIL ANYMORE. DON'T TALK TO ME. You're such a heartless coward. Leave me alone.