The kindness of the folks out here continues to humble me.
A wonderful man named Pete has been providing with firewood, already split, and today, he again offered another cord, which makes me finally winter ready! I’ve still got another cord to split myself but we will not be in trouble if the weather gets unfriendly. He was referred to me by another friend in town, who I had spoken to a week ago. I feel taken care of by virtual strangers. I feel safe. I feel cared for.
I sat in the pizzeria today and chatted with a hilarious guy named Ben. He and his friend Mike entertained my daughter while I stuffed my face full. She laughed insanely. I myself could barely hold my laughter in, for they were very, very funny. People have been reaching out to me, in the streets, at party, and at first I held back, so scared, for the memory of what my ex’s family put me through was still so fresh…but I soon realized that holding on to the hurt and the wariness only attracted more of the same type of person.
I feel as if my life is beginning anew. For the first time in a while I am remembering what it was like to just smile and be, shine and let go. There is no ulterior motive, no manipulation, just love. If I just focus on that love, I know I will no longer be surrounded by wolves in sheep’s clothing. I know have the wisdom and experience to discern those who truly care for me, from those who would take advantage in any way. I choose to align myself with conscious people who do not feel the need to put others down in order to validate them. People who are aware, people, who are secure with themselves, people who are capable of love.
I am letting go, of the pain of yesterday, of people who do not want to save themselves. I am letting go of low self-esteem and remembering how talented, beautiful and worthy of love I am. I refuse to continue sacrificing for someone (Sue) who insists on putting me down in order to win the affection of her family. I realize I don’t hate myself enough to continue sacrificing my daughter and I am wellbeing in order for her to cater to Kathy’s ego drama. I don’t hate myself enough to shrug off her broken promises. I’m done with the inconsistencies and contradictions she surrounds herself with.
How could I go out of my way to try to help her and take care of her, only to have her turn against me and accuse me of taking advantage of her! I guess when the ones you are ‘supposed’ to love continuously manipulate and control you and call it love, eventually you will get confused. So clearly all this time I’ve been attending to her needs, I’ve been ‘taking advantage’ of her. Staying in Calgary despite her daughter’s toxicity, that was also ‘taking advantage’ of her, taking care of her after her surgery when Kathy wasn’t willing to: ‘taking advantage’ of her. Cleaning up the mess in her house whenever I came over because I know her nerves are frayed? Taking advantage of her. Leaving Lilo with her despite the fact that she wasn’t respectful of the instructions I left? Taking advantage of her.
However, her daughter using her grandchild to manipulate and control her? Love, apparently.
So when that delusional daughter of hers sent me a Facebook friend request a couple of weeks, I had to laugh. Kathy’s has presented to me as a friend numerous times before. She then proceeded to cause troubles between Mitch and I and spread numerous lies about me. Just a couple of weeks ago she was again dictating to her mom how the lady was to treat me, that I wasn’t allowed in her mother’s home. And apparently, or at least according to her mom, I’m not sure which is which at this point, she is not even allowed to put up a picture of myself or my daughter in her home. Yet there her mom stood, in Nelson, asking me to come back to live with her in Calgary. I felt my head spin with how tired I was with that power struggle. I didn’t understand how anyone could tie themselves up in such a manner. So this time, when that two faced psycho sent me a friend request I carefully disposed of it and made sure she was never able to send me one again.
I’m done watching such a wonderful, amazing lady self-destruct. I’m done watching her lie to herself. I’m done pretending I’m as miserable as all of them. I’ll forever be grateful for the help that she’s given me and she has done so-fucking- much for me.
I remember her caring for me when I had a fever than ran so high I was pretty sure I got delusional. I remember her taking me in when I was pregnant and had no place to go, due to the problems caused by Kathy. She was the mother I could not have at such a vulnerable time and she took care of my child and I as if we were her own. She fed and clothed my child when my ex and his family were the least concerned by the fact that I was not able to work, due to the fact that it took almost a year for me to get a work permit. She held me as I shed tear after tear from the emotional bullshit Mitch put me through. She was there when Lilo came into this world. She has saved our lives over and over again. And for doing so her ‘so called’ family put her through hell.
I guess I can only love her from a distance, just as she resolved to love my daughter and I at arm’s length.
It’s funny how many continue holding on to detrimental familial bonds in fear of standing alone as I have. I watched them as they over and over again mobbed against me, using each other as shields, mongrels with delusions in their eyes and most of all fear, fear of their twisted little reality being compromised. I can’t believe it took me so long to realize how scared they really are.
I guess it took me letting go of fear itself to realize that since the day I was born, I’ve been watched over and cared for by the powers that be. And I can stand alone, and fight alone, and hope that my daughter and I’s life will be blessed with people with the courage to stand up for what’s beneficial and right.
Since I decided to veer off the path laid for me by my parents, I’ve been barreling blindly towards the unknown, not knowing where, what, who was going to catch me. But I realize now how blessed I am. I’ve been reaching for the stars for a very long time now, but I won’t be settling for the moon. The stars are where I belong. I recognize the divine source of my courage. I feel excitement about the future. I pray it holds more abundance and love for us. I’m on a fool’s journey and nothing holds me back from the bright future I’ve always known is my birthright.
I live in the Valley now, in a yurt, with my daughter and my cat. She’s beautiful and now that I’ve let go of the pain, I can fully give her the love she deserves. She asks me for a new daddy. In fact, she wants four of them. I can only accommodate two at a time.
I know I’ll love again. I’ll just make sure to pick a man worthy of my love. Taller, head full of hair, a sense of humor, better in the sack, a man sure of himself…or perhaps a woman, who knows what the future holds…
A wonderful man named Pete has been providing with firewood, already split, and today, he again offered another cord, which makes me finally winter ready! I’ve still got another cord to split myself but we will not be in trouble if the weather gets unfriendly. He was referred to me by another friend in town, who I had spoken to a week ago. I feel taken care of by virtual strangers. I feel safe. I feel cared for.
I sat in the pizzeria today and chatted with a hilarious guy named Ben. He and his friend Mike entertained my daughter while I stuffed my face full. She laughed insanely. I myself could barely hold my laughter in, for they were very, very funny. People have been reaching out to me, in the streets, at party, and at first I held back, so scared, for the memory of what my ex’s family put me through was still so fresh…but I soon realized that holding on to the hurt and the wariness only attracted more of the same type of person.
I feel as if my life is beginning anew. For the first time in a while I am remembering what it was like to just smile and be, shine and let go. There is no ulterior motive, no manipulation, just love. If I just focus on that love, I know I will no longer be surrounded by wolves in sheep’s clothing. I know have the wisdom and experience to discern those who truly care for me, from those who would take advantage in any way. I choose to align myself with conscious people who do not feel the need to put others down in order to validate them. People who are aware, people, who are secure with themselves, people who are capable of love.
I am letting go, of the pain of yesterday, of people who do not want to save themselves. I am letting go of low self-esteem and remembering how talented, beautiful and worthy of love I am. I refuse to continue sacrificing for someone (Sue) who insists on putting me down in order to win the affection of her family. I realize I don’t hate myself enough to continue sacrificing my daughter and I am wellbeing in order for her to cater to Kathy’s ego drama. I don’t hate myself enough to shrug off her broken promises. I’m done with the inconsistencies and contradictions she surrounds herself with.
How could I go out of my way to try to help her and take care of her, only to have her turn against me and accuse me of taking advantage of her! I guess when the ones you are ‘supposed’ to love continuously manipulate and control you and call it love, eventually you will get confused. So clearly all this time I’ve been attending to her needs, I’ve been ‘taking advantage’ of her. Staying in Calgary despite her daughter’s toxicity, that was also ‘taking advantage’ of her, taking care of her after her surgery when Kathy wasn’t willing to: ‘taking advantage’ of her. Cleaning up the mess in her house whenever I came over because I know her nerves are frayed? Taking advantage of her. Leaving Lilo with her despite the fact that she wasn’t respectful of the instructions I left? Taking advantage of her.
However, her daughter using her grandchild to manipulate and control her? Love, apparently.
So when that delusional daughter of hers sent me a Facebook friend request a couple of weeks, I had to laugh. Kathy’s has presented to me as a friend numerous times before. She then proceeded to cause troubles between Mitch and I and spread numerous lies about me. Just a couple of weeks ago she was again dictating to her mom how the lady was to treat me, that I wasn’t allowed in her mother’s home. And apparently, or at least according to her mom, I’m not sure which is which at this point, she is not even allowed to put up a picture of myself or my daughter in her home. Yet there her mom stood, in Nelson, asking me to come back to live with her in Calgary. I felt my head spin with how tired I was with that power struggle. I didn’t understand how anyone could tie themselves up in such a manner. So this time, when that two faced psycho sent me a friend request I carefully disposed of it and made sure she was never able to send me one again.
I’m done watching such a wonderful, amazing lady self-destruct. I’m done watching her lie to herself. I’m done pretending I’m as miserable as all of them. I’ll forever be grateful for the help that she’s given me and she has done so-fucking- much for me.
I remember her caring for me when I had a fever than ran so high I was pretty sure I got delusional. I remember her taking me in when I was pregnant and had no place to go, due to the problems caused by Kathy. She was the mother I could not have at such a vulnerable time and she took care of my child and I as if we were her own. She fed and clothed my child when my ex and his family were the least concerned by the fact that I was not able to work, due to the fact that it took almost a year for me to get a work permit. She held me as I shed tear after tear from the emotional bullshit Mitch put me through. She was there when Lilo came into this world. She has saved our lives over and over again. And for doing so her ‘so called’ family put her through hell.
I guess I can only love her from a distance, just as she resolved to love my daughter and I at arm’s length.
It’s funny how many continue holding on to detrimental familial bonds in fear of standing alone as I have. I watched them as they over and over again mobbed against me, using each other as shields, mongrels with delusions in their eyes and most of all fear, fear of their twisted little reality being compromised. I can’t believe it took me so long to realize how scared they really are.
I guess it took me letting go of fear itself to realize that since the day I was born, I’ve been watched over and cared for by the powers that be. And I can stand alone, and fight alone, and hope that my daughter and I’s life will be blessed with people with the courage to stand up for what’s beneficial and right.
Since I decided to veer off the path laid for me by my parents, I’ve been barreling blindly towards the unknown, not knowing where, what, who was going to catch me. But I realize now how blessed I am. I’ve been reaching for the stars for a very long time now, but I won’t be settling for the moon. The stars are where I belong. I recognize the divine source of my courage. I feel excitement about the future. I pray it holds more abundance and love for us. I’m on a fool’s journey and nothing holds me back from the bright future I’ve always known is my birthright.
I live in the Valley now, in a yurt, with my daughter and my cat. She’s beautiful and now that I’ve let go of the pain, I can fully give her the love she deserves. She asks me for a new daddy. In fact, she wants four of them. I can only accommodate two at a time.
I know I’ll love again. I’ll just make sure to pick a man worthy of my love. Taller, head full of hair, a sense of humor, better in the sack, a man sure of himself…or perhaps a woman, who knows what the future holds…
No comments:
Post a Comment