So you’re ‘in love’ and you’re about 75% sure your feelings are unreciprocated. My condolences! Here are ten tips on how to get over your sappy, over-emotional self and assure a quick return to apathy.
1. Acceptance is the first step. Fuck it. Why try to deny it? You’ve spent hours in bed trying to talk yourself out of ‘it’, to no avail. The heaviness in your chest causes you to spend the whole morning slumped over comically, sighs hissing out of you in a manner and frequency similar to one of those Glade plugin air fresheners…except the funk of your breath cannot be mistaken for Fancy Ocean Breeze. But what exactly are you coming to terms with?
2. Realize that you do not possess any implicit, intimate or even biblical knowledge of the person you find yourself pining for, a necessary requirement for ‘love’. One could even say love is not an appropriate diagnostic for your condition unless the state was one that was mutually felt by the object of your affection. In fact, you might be caught in a delusionary emotional quandary which elicits a neuro-chemical response similar to one experienced during the formation of a strong emotional bond shared by two consenting adults, one often referred to as ‘puppy love’ or more commonly ‘infatuation’. Take the time to understand that this is not the first time this has taken place, so be kind to yourself. Your loneliness is simply starting to play some tricks on you. There are many ways to fix this problem.
3. Now that you’ve properly identified your affliction, time for some positive self-affirmation: Yes, you are an attractive, wonderful human being absolutely worthy of love and affection. Yes, you have needs and physical responses that you have no control over, but what you have control over is whether or not to act upon those primal urges and congratulations, you have not mauled the poor man! Yes, there is a chance you will find a human whom you desire who will reciprocate your feelings so do not despair! And yes, there is still a chance to rectify the situation without making a complete fool of yourself!
4. Do: Take the time to properly laugh at yourself. You silly, silly woman. Remember that celibacy was a conscious decision you made, in order to finally be able to distinguish between relationships driven by an intense sexual compatibility with no emotional connection on your partner’s part and the other kind of relationship, the loving emotional connectivity kind, the one you’ve only experienced once…except you were not ready for it at the time! Now you are. All you have to do now is keep on waiting! You are only twenty three. Start panicking when you hit thirty five. Even if you end up alone, is it really that big a shame?
5. Drop the wall. You know what I’m talking about. That wall you put up whenever you’re around members of the opposite sex. Sure, sure, it’s to make suuuure you don’t give any guy you’ve got little to no interest in the wrong idea, and boy do we know how those men can get the wrong idea, but you’ve even maintained this wall with this man you feel drawn to! How is any one supposed to feel like you’re approachable? Going as far as barricading yourself in the woods with the little one, brandishing the celibacy and self-sufficiency flag with the same fervor displayed by Rosy the Riveter doesn’t exactly scream ‘available’. It wouldn’t kill you to smile back at a man.
6. Do not: Rent Brigitte Jones’ Diary and start sobbing at the intro like you always do whenever you are lovesick. Slip him a love potion. Throw thyself upon a dagger! Waste your afternoons flaming your self-pity… And most of all, do not try to sweep this under the rug!
Let him know he tickles your fancy. It’s nothing to be ashamed of! He’s a very distracting, attractive man! Good for him! Own your feelings. Have a laugh about it. Move on.
7. Personal hygiene is a must. Sure you’re feeling down, and you’re in hippy country anyway, but neglect is only acceptable in moderation. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and forget that article you read in Cosmopolitan about pheromones aiding in attracting a man. There might be Yetis in this part of the province. It could actually be the thing you keep hearing circling your yurt every other day at three-four o’clock in the morning! I know water hauling is an issue, so more sponge baths, ‘kay?
8. Invest in a high quality pleasure item. Do not name it after anyone you might have a crush on.
9. Get a puppy.
10. Go for a walk.
1. Acceptance is the first step. Fuck it. Why try to deny it? You’ve spent hours in bed trying to talk yourself out of ‘it’, to no avail. The heaviness in your chest causes you to spend the whole morning slumped over comically, sighs hissing out of you in a manner and frequency similar to one of those Glade plugin air fresheners…except the funk of your breath cannot be mistaken for Fancy Ocean Breeze. But what exactly are you coming to terms with?
2. Realize that you do not possess any implicit, intimate or even biblical knowledge of the person you find yourself pining for, a necessary requirement for ‘love’. One could even say love is not an appropriate diagnostic for your condition unless the state was one that was mutually felt by the object of your affection. In fact, you might be caught in a delusionary emotional quandary which elicits a neuro-chemical response similar to one experienced during the formation of a strong emotional bond shared by two consenting adults, one often referred to as ‘puppy love’ or more commonly ‘infatuation’. Take the time to understand that this is not the first time this has taken place, so be kind to yourself. Your loneliness is simply starting to play some tricks on you. There are many ways to fix this problem.
3. Now that you’ve properly identified your affliction, time for some positive self-affirmation: Yes, you are an attractive, wonderful human being absolutely worthy of love and affection. Yes, you have needs and physical responses that you have no control over, but what you have control over is whether or not to act upon those primal urges and congratulations, you have not mauled the poor man! Yes, there is a chance you will find a human whom you desire who will reciprocate your feelings so do not despair! And yes, there is still a chance to rectify the situation without making a complete fool of yourself!
4. Do: Take the time to properly laugh at yourself. You silly, silly woman. Remember that celibacy was a conscious decision you made, in order to finally be able to distinguish between relationships driven by an intense sexual compatibility with no emotional connection on your partner’s part and the other kind of relationship, the loving emotional connectivity kind, the one you’ve only experienced once…except you were not ready for it at the time! Now you are. All you have to do now is keep on waiting! You are only twenty three. Start panicking when you hit thirty five. Even if you end up alone, is it really that big a shame?
5. Drop the wall. You know what I’m talking about. That wall you put up whenever you’re around members of the opposite sex. Sure, sure, it’s to make suuuure you don’t give any guy you’ve got little to no interest in the wrong idea, and boy do we know how those men can get the wrong idea, but you’ve even maintained this wall with this man you feel drawn to! How is any one supposed to feel like you’re approachable? Going as far as barricading yourself in the woods with the little one, brandishing the celibacy and self-sufficiency flag with the same fervor displayed by Rosy the Riveter doesn’t exactly scream ‘available’. It wouldn’t kill you to smile back at a man.
6. Do not: Rent Brigitte Jones’ Diary and start sobbing at the intro like you always do whenever you are lovesick. Slip him a love potion. Throw thyself upon a dagger! Waste your afternoons flaming your self-pity… And most of all, do not try to sweep this under the rug!
Let him know he tickles your fancy. It’s nothing to be ashamed of! He’s a very distracting, attractive man! Good for him! Own your feelings. Have a laugh about it. Move on.
7. Personal hygiene is a must. Sure you’re feeling down, and you’re in hippy country anyway, but neglect is only acceptable in moderation. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and forget that article you read in Cosmopolitan about pheromones aiding in attracting a man. There might be Yetis in this part of the province. It could actually be the thing you keep hearing circling your yurt every other day at three-four o’clock in the morning! I know water hauling is an issue, so more sponge baths, ‘kay?
8. Invest in a high quality pleasure item. Do not name it after anyone you might have a crush on.
9. Get a puppy.
10. Go for a walk.
ha... did you write this post for me? Very clever. Wishing you warmth and a full belly through the winter... less than a month until the suns return :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! I'm praying for more sun in the Valley!
ReplyDelete