Guilty. The cards call this boredom. The Slough of Despond. A time when I'm neither there, nor THERE yet. The past and its obstacles behind me, finally buried after one last 'selfish' act on my part. I turn my back to all of them. I start looking out for myself. I isolate myself. I'm scared, and feel like a fish out of water. I've been staring at the screen for days now, trying to come up with an entry, but I feel strange.
I'm at peace with a lot. I understand the physical exercise and my partaking of herbal remedies have contributed to what I'm calling the happiest depression I've ever gone through. I've had some lows, but none have felt as redeeming as this one. I'm not sure what to do with the possibilities ahead of me. I'm not sure where to start, I'm still very suspicious of people at heart. I've still not allowed that shield to go down yet but something strange's happening, like I've said. People around me are behaving in a loving and understanding manner, and I'm afraid it's making me even more unsure as to what to do next.
I've dealt with messed up people my whole life. I've judged them and vice versa, but I find that out here I'm slipping in a zone of "Je ne give pas le fuck" that bears a semblance to tolerance. I really no longer feel battery acid in the back of my throat when I think of the troubled domestic situation I left back in Calgary. I'm not about to allow any of them in my life again and I'm ready to stomp that opportunity on the head. I finally realized that the sake of my mental health depends on a safe distance from him and anything else that pertains to him, and since I've received sole custody, I'm now certain Lilo and I having a stable future is a sure reality. Take your crazy over there, and me, I'm keeping my crazy to myself.
Though my propensity to desire social bonds has led me to venture into the local population and as usual, nonsense ensues. But instead on focusing on the bullshit, which I tend to always do, here are some positives: Lilo's making friends and I'm finally getting the opportunity to have some alone time, which I desperately need. But I've taken way too much on. The yurt requires a lot of physical labor and towing water bottles, laundry, groceries, and stuff, chopping wood and dragging her behind me is pushing me to some sort of limit. I'm not sure it's as doomy a limit as all my previous burnouts.
For one, I'm making efforts to create more. Which, to me, means working on 6 projects simultaneously. That being said, I'm making more progress now than I did all of last year. I'm completing one painting, have finished a couple of stagnant knitting projects, I'm currently sewing Lilo a hat, knitting a fine lace cowl, editing my first HD Youtube video and sound gathering for my first dedicated musical effort. While tending to all the daily chores, cleaning the endless river of diarrhea exploding from my daughter's butt and fighting loneliness, anger, anxiety, trying to remain positive but really feeling like screaming my fucking head off.
That being said, lately, I don't give too much of a damn. I'm numbing myself and I like it. I've even started eating more food. I don't mind the extra weight. I'm beyond worrying about the future. I've decided that it's going to have to be fine somehow. It's going to have to be more than fine, I've got plenty of shit to do. And now that I will not be spending the next few years popping out more CO2 emitting, methane producing consumers, I've got some pretty serious plans for myself. I will like to improve my sewing, produce more paintings and knit more often.
That and I've decided to start singing again. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to do. I'm going to learn how to open my mouth again and be able to express what I'm feeling inside, when I'm feeling it. I'm going to stop holding it in until it fester as badly as it did during these past four years. I'm also, going to stop caring what anyone thinks of what I'm doing. At any moment. I can keep myself in check, my moral intelligence's sound. However, when it comes to sex politics, especially the ones in these parts,my naivete's rearing its unfortunate head again. So I'm keeping my genitals to myself I've decided. I don't even want to deal with that. I'm hiding. None of that stuff's real anyways, none of what I've been offered lately has been. There's never a end to the stream of men that want to use me like a rag. And I'm not interested in anything that doesn't spark. I yearn to feel the flames of love envelop my shriveled heart again but given my grim outlook on everything lately, and how unsure I feel about everything, that area is closed off until further notice (or a hormonal mishap). I wrote a short note of apology to Jason recently. I'm not sure I care for an answer since we've already moved on with our individual lives, but I wanted him to know that he was ultimately right.
I'm happy to be free. I doubt I'll be willing to relinquish that freedom any time soon.
If you can imagine yourself walking through a foggy, winded field, that's a close illustration to what I feel about everything lately. I've been reading Tarot a lot, and I'm paying close attention to my dreams. It's making me feel a surge of inspiration. I've stopped a few times to ponder on the nature of thoughts, where they originate from and their uncanny ability to manifest themselves on the physical plane. I've been hearing a lot about Tulpas (thought forms) lately, which makes sense, if you take in account the silly experiment that resulted in me falling for my own delusion, babbled on more on my 'Trust me, I'm an Expert' post.
The whole reason why I developed those 'symptoms' is because I was using a mental representation of the person to get off! The truth is he's a virtual stranger and I'm mortified. I really should stick to unattainable movie stars for spank bank model stock this point on. I created that situation and as embarrassing as dealing with the resulting, embarrassing crush has been, the deja vu, astral projection, weird synchronicity that resulted from it was cooler than cool. How can I learn how to do that again, is what I plan on focusing on for the next years. I'm starting to see how my mental meanderings have in one way separated me from the ability to really feel at ease in big social groups, but I've always known it's a really cool place to be. Albeit a bit downy and depressed, but it's a fun toy.
I don't know what the future looks like. I see fame, fortune, but who doesn't. I want truth. I strive for honesty. I have few secrets. Even less cash. As long as I answer to myself and I'm able to express myself, I think I will be happy. I might be alone. I'm trying to be happy alone. Besides, the beast that lays beneath my skin and purrs between my legs seems to operate with a mind of its own, one that is less discerning than I will like it to be and I can't let it lead the show anymore.
I'm selfish. I use my brain and calculate the most beneficial outcome for mines and look out for my interest. It is in my interest to appear social and kind instead of cerebral and introverted, which a few people believe is not my real personality, despite the fact that I am never really quite out of my sea of thought these days. I am the Sun, I used to shine so bright as a child. But I'm not sure what happened. I believed in foolish things. I trusted the wrong people. I sacrificed to much for too little. And now, I'm a bumbling idiot at dealing with the waking world. I'm a pixelated, scattered semblance of a healthy brained adult. I'm a failure and a disappointment. And yes, I'm as crazy as you think me be.
Perhaps this is all another construct of my imagination. I like to think I'm doing the best I can under these circumstances. But I'm trying to be a hermit and failing at a strict discipline. Life's forcing me to stand on my own two feet, as I've wanted all along and I'm unable to focus. The biggest casualty of this whole catastrophe seems to be my faith in myself. Besides, I'm drowning under a never ending to do list. Overextending myself in an attempt at finding a way back to stability. Settling for vague ambiguity about the outcome of everything instead of placing more expectations on myself. Whatever.
Smile and be happy.
Function despite feeling like there is no point to it. And there isn't, but why be so dour.
Enjoy the day.
Enjoy your child.
Enjoy every second you're away from a man. Pretty soon you'll be 80 and catching AIDS in a nursing home wouldn't be the worst fate. Then it's over. Until then, you've got the opportunity to experience joy, take it! If I could focus on something else than these biological impulses to nest and pair off I might get some where in life. And make more permanent platonic bonds than these fleeting, delusional entanglements.
Friends are good. I need more of them. I need to learn how to be a socialized friend too.
I'm at peace with a lot. I understand the physical exercise and my partaking of herbal remedies have contributed to what I'm calling the happiest depression I've ever gone through. I've had some lows, but none have felt as redeeming as this one. I'm not sure what to do with the possibilities ahead of me. I'm not sure where to start, I'm still very suspicious of people at heart. I've still not allowed that shield to go down yet but something strange's happening, like I've said. People around me are behaving in a loving and understanding manner, and I'm afraid it's making me even more unsure as to what to do next.
I've dealt with messed up people my whole life. I've judged them and vice versa, but I find that out here I'm slipping in a zone of "Je ne give pas le fuck" that bears a semblance to tolerance. I really no longer feel battery acid in the back of my throat when I think of the troubled domestic situation I left back in Calgary. I'm not about to allow any of them in my life again and I'm ready to stomp that opportunity on the head. I finally realized that the sake of my mental health depends on a safe distance from him and anything else that pertains to him, and since I've received sole custody, I'm now certain Lilo and I having a stable future is a sure reality. Take your crazy over there, and me, I'm keeping my crazy to myself.
Though my propensity to desire social bonds has led me to venture into the local population and as usual, nonsense ensues. But instead on focusing on the bullshit, which I tend to always do, here are some positives: Lilo's making friends and I'm finally getting the opportunity to have some alone time, which I desperately need. But I've taken way too much on. The yurt requires a lot of physical labor and towing water bottles, laundry, groceries, and stuff, chopping wood and dragging her behind me is pushing me to some sort of limit. I'm not sure it's as doomy a limit as all my previous burnouts.
For one, I'm making efforts to create more. Which, to me, means working on 6 projects simultaneously. That being said, I'm making more progress now than I did all of last year. I'm completing one painting, have finished a couple of stagnant knitting projects, I'm currently sewing Lilo a hat, knitting a fine lace cowl, editing my first HD Youtube video and sound gathering for my first dedicated musical effort. While tending to all the daily chores, cleaning the endless river of diarrhea exploding from my daughter's butt and fighting loneliness, anger, anxiety, trying to remain positive but really feeling like screaming my fucking head off.
That being said, lately, I don't give too much of a damn. I'm numbing myself and I like it. I've even started eating more food. I don't mind the extra weight. I'm beyond worrying about the future. I've decided that it's going to have to be fine somehow. It's going to have to be more than fine, I've got plenty of shit to do. And now that I will not be spending the next few years popping out more CO2 emitting, methane producing consumers, I've got some pretty serious plans for myself. I will like to improve my sewing, produce more paintings and knit more often.
That and I've decided to start singing again. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to do. I'm going to learn how to open my mouth again and be able to express what I'm feeling inside, when I'm feeling it. I'm going to stop holding it in until it fester as badly as it did during these past four years. I'm also, going to stop caring what anyone thinks of what I'm doing. At any moment. I can keep myself in check, my moral intelligence's sound. However, when it comes to sex politics, especially the ones in these parts,my naivete's rearing its unfortunate head again. So I'm keeping my genitals to myself I've decided. I don't even want to deal with that. I'm hiding. None of that stuff's real anyways, none of what I've been offered lately has been. There's never a end to the stream of men that want to use me like a rag. And I'm not interested in anything that doesn't spark. I yearn to feel the flames of love envelop my shriveled heart again but given my grim outlook on everything lately, and how unsure I feel about everything, that area is closed off until further notice (or a hormonal mishap). I wrote a short note of apology to Jason recently. I'm not sure I care for an answer since we've already moved on with our individual lives, but I wanted him to know that he was ultimately right.
I'm happy to be free. I doubt I'll be willing to relinquish that freedom any time soon.
If you can imagine yourself walking through a foggy, winded field, that's a close illustration to what I feel about everything lately. I've been reading Tarot a lot, and I'm paying close attention to my dreams. It's making me feel a surge of inspiration. I've stopped a few times to ponder on the nature of thoughts, where they originate from and their uncanny ability to manifest themselves on the physical plane. I've been hearing a lot about Tulpas (thought forms) lately, which makes sense, if you take in account the silly experiment that resulted in me falling for my own delusion, babbled on more on my 'Trust me, I'm an Expert' post.
The whole reason why I developed those 'symptoms' is because I was using a mental representation of the person to get off! The truth is he's a virtual stranger and I'm mortified. I really should stick to unattainable movie stars for spank bank model stock this point on. I created that situation and as embarrassing as dealing with the resulting, embarrassing crush has been, the deja vu, astral projection, weird synchronicity that resulted from it was cooler than cool. How can I learn how to do that again, is what I plan on focusing on for the next years. I'm starting to see how my mental meanderings have in one way separated me from the ability to really feel at ease in big social groups, but I've always known it's a really cool place to be. Albeit a bit downy and depressed, but it's a fun toy.
I don't know what the future looks like. I see fame, fortune, but who doesn't. I want truth. I strive for honesty. I have few secrets. Even less cash. As long as I answer to myself and I'm able to express myself, I think I will be happy. I might be alone. I'm trying to be happy alone. Besides, the beast that lays beneath my skin and purrs between my legs seems to operate with a mind of its own, one that is less discerning than I will like it to be and I can't let it lead the show anymore.
I'm selfish. I use my brain and calculate the most beneficial outcome for mines and look out for my interest. It is in my interest to appear social and kind instead of cerebral and introverted, which a few people believe is not my real personality, despite the fact that I am never really quite out of my sea of thought these days. I am the Sun, I used to shine so bright as a child. But I'm not sure what happened. I believed in foolish things. I trusted the wrong people. I sacrificed to much for too little. And now, I'm a bumbling idiot at dealing with the waking world. I'm a pixelated, scattered semblance of a healthy brained adult. I'm a failure and a disappointment. And yes, I'm as crazy as you think me be.
Perhaps this is all another construct of my imagination. I like to think I'm doing the best I can under these circumstances. But I'm trying to be a hermit and failing at a strict discipline. Life's forcing me to stand on my own two feet, as I've wanted all along and I'm unable to focus. The biggest casualty of this whole catastrophe seems to be my faith in myself. Besides, I'm drowning under a never ending to do list. Overextending myself in an attempt at finding a way back to stability. Settling for vague ambiguity about the outcome of everything instead of placing more expectations on myself. Whatever.
Smile and be happy.
Function despite feeling like there is no point to it. And there isn't, but why be so dour.
Enjoy the day.
Enjoy your child.
Enjoy every second you're away from a man. Pretty soon you'll be 80 and catching AIDS in a nursing home wouldn't be the worst fate. Then it's over. Until then, you've got the opportunity to experience joy, take it! If I could focus on something else than these biological impulses to nest and pair off I might get some where in life. And make more permanent platonic bonds than these fleeting, delusional entanglements.
Friends are good. I need more of them. I need to learn how to be a socialized friend too.
It's almost mid winters eve and the days are growing longer... you can start seeds without supplemental light on valentine's day... and after that is spring. The buds are already on the trees, and have been all winter waiting for the warm weather...
ReplyDeleteDo what ever the fuck you want. This is your life. You're a good mom and an amazing person... you deserve to feel joy and love.
The valley is notorious for sexcapades... it's not you. Stay strong in your immovable heart and do what is right for you.
Chopping wood and hauling water is hard... but use it to feel strong and capable.
Many blessings to you and your daughter for the rest of the winter and the year to come.
xoL
Thank you! I have no idea what my schedule is going to look like in the next few months. I'm truly at one of the biggest crossroads of my life. I wish I was gardening again this year, digging my fingers in the ground is what I love.
ReplyDelete