I have no idea where to begin to work the kinks out of myself. I guess my mind is a maze of tunnels in which I spend most of my time reveling, not really taking too much time outside myself. Maybe if I was I looking from the outside, I'll have a tip or two on how to un-kink myself. It would, of course, include a metaphor or ten about sex in various, unsafe positions.
I choose to view myself rather lightly these days. Everything, as a matter of fact. I'm focusing on the idea of not worrying. I'm sure others will interpret it as selfishness of some sort, this attitude of mine. Matters not to me. And maybe it should. Perhaps then this wall I sense between me and everyone else would dissolve. But everyone maintains a wall. Everyone has a mask. It's a social thing. Assimilate or be ostracized, bitch. Here's the positive speech memo, get yourself faith and a smile, stop complaining and shut the fuck up. But try as I may I'm still bothered. I'm not sure if it's because I'm ungrateful and unable to count the blessings in my life. I thought I noted those things. Life's been tougher than usual but I've been thankful for this break.
People. Touch. The human smell. I wonder if there are any cultures left that sleep in a big puppy pile... I would like that. I almost yearn for it. This might be the root for my harem of husbands fantasy, I must admit. The alternative, to an adult 'cuddle-thon' is having an entire litter of kids and co-sleeping, but not only is that not ecologically friendly, but the idea of reproducing right now terrifies me. Not to mention, I've got my next offspring scheduled in 7 years and not anytime sooner. My grandmother had nine children and I've got all the respect for her but I could never do that.
Still... I wonder how badly most people recognize our need for a familiar, comforting touch. My repressed animal self wishes to lie in a pheromone pile somewhere really sunny. Perhaps if modern civilization collapses I will get my wish, though more in the 'Cro-magnon and in tune with the Earth' way and less 'Mad Max, zombie cannibalism' kind of way.
I have random, open conversations with people all the time. I like when it happens because I can walk away having learned something completely new that day. But I find that people are never really willing to let you in or be open for the most part, settling for that detached empty prattle I'm never able to attempt and and that has caused a huge closing in myself. I'm getting pretty lonely and I yearn for deep connections with people.
Community out here is nowhere near what it used to be, and a mile from what community looks like in Africa. Perhaps this might begin to start explaining why I feel like I'm walking around with antennas sticking out of my head! I was born in a different culture and I have a completely different appearance. You should hear what children say about Lilo and I, the way they stare bug-eyed! It reflects my interaction with people whenever I wonder back into Nelson, I'm just dealing with people who don't really know what to make of me, and that's an interesting experience. I listen to their observations with nothing more than amusement but it really reinforces the feeling that I am an alien floating further out of connection with the idea of being part of anything other than my big-headed self, dragging along my mini-me. And it's a painful one.
But I could just be a whiny brat here. My life is just as I wished it to be. But I want more. Does that really make me ungrateful? I'm appreciate of the swell in my chest and the re-ignition of the pain of these past four years, considering that a couple of years back I was numb and cold, absolutely unable to open myself again, to trust a love that was freely offered to me. I'm working to get myself out of these emotional quicksands, but I'm...unable to center myself emotionally. Full on sob fest some times, though those are getting rare, quiet contemplation most of the time. I've formulated enough ideas to give myself some sort of direction this year, which involves making choices I would rather not make. I should adapt to my new environment, sip the cool-aid and conform, why the fuck not. Why pay attention to feelings of needing so much more?
Dislike of purely spiritual mental states and shortness of temper- I can identify with that one. But I have my reasons. I've yet to find someone capable of guiding me through some of the unconventional experiences I've dealt with while in those states so I'll rather avoid them. That and it requires discipline which I've let go off in the past few months. I've got troubles focusing on my breathing and I'm at least making an effort to correct that. My diet, however, is in shambles. During my stay in Nelson I indulged in as much dairy and bread as I could dare intake, only to purge in the middle of the night or the next morning. I've not slept a lot these past few months either so I'm all out of wack.
I try not to let all of these mental aerobics stop me from conversing with people out in the streets but since I can't attempt a carefree demeanor it must show and I've been meeting a lot of people and not really feeling like I can keep up with the regular pace of life.
But I love talking to people and there's nothing more I love than having random, life altering conversations with absolute strangers. That is one of the things I miss about Vancouver. That and the freedom to roam all over the safe parts of town at all hours of the nights. Club hopping and trysting left and right, had I known what I was sacrificing, when I chose to hole up with him, had I had the awareness of the constriction I was placing on myself, would I have made the same choice?
I think I always knew in the back of my mind that being with Mitch was absolutely crazy. But that's also the reason why I flew arms wide open in that situation. I remember being convinced of our union being the beginning of something mystical, I remember being ecstatic at times with him, so happy to lose my self in hours of love making and whispering deep into the night...but our relationship was just such an impractical one.
Life to that point had been devoid of any real emotional awareness and I was an endorphin freak. It was easy to give myself to the fantasy then and when it proved to be just that and life got worse to the point of me losing almost all sense of self. Throwing myself into the unknown is what again catapulted me out of that mess into this...this in between that I've holed myself into. I'm not sure what this is. It feels like wanting, trying to understand, trying to protect myself and my child and not really being able to relax.The cards tell me it's a lot of things, selfishness, victim mentality and growth.
Growth is uncomfortable, growth is painful and confusing.
The Purple Castle of Avoidance. The place I've come to face my blocks but I'm nowhere near knocking these walls down, it seems. I've no idea where to start. I'm in self reliance mode and overwhelmed by the responsibility on my shoulders but I refuse to back down, or cave in, or even go as far as placing a mask on again in order to function. I thought I would come here and sit, in the peace intermittently polluted by the sound of pacing vehicles and finally have a conversation with the Overlords that be, my method of communication being Tarot cards and meditation but I feel like I'm getting to just feeling worse about some things and the situation I'm in and more inclined to change it.
I really think I've spread myself too thin between here and Nelson. It's madness, the amount of money I've spent on gas alone, not to mention wood, pretty much the most expensive camping trip ever. But I've come out of it more complete than I was when I arrived here.
One of the things I struggle to comprehend and meditate on is that all relationships are a lesson in one form or the other and I walk away from this situation with a better understanding of the person I want to be, though I wallowed in misery for quite a while before I came to that conclusion. I've learned a lot about who I want to surround myself with and how I want to treat others and be treated. In this case, by the end of the lesson all parties are so bitter they don't want anything to do with one another (but they want to further manipulate my daughter and I's lives which showcases their own strain of crazy) so I don't know how I can use that axiom to garner a better understanding of how I should manage these negative feelings. I'm taking the lesson, trying to abandon the book but it won't let me go.
My life is blessed. I've beyond been given everything that I could possibly need in terms of the material plane, though things seem a bit in shambles in my life right now, I'm aware of a force outside of my understanding of the physical plane working in my favor, watching over me. What I am right now, is so hungry for a connection, with my child, with the people around myself. Everything is spread out and I've lodged myself in the middle of here. I have to find a solution to this dilemma!
The divorce is a blessing in disguise. Everything about my separation from him and his family works in my benefit. Any pain I might have felt in the past, from clinging to any notions of him and I functioning as a healthy couple is long gone. It's his aunt I'm not quite sure what to make of. I have no qualms about her maintaining a relationship with my child, since she's been there for her from the start, but I am closed of to the idea of continuing a relationship with her.
Lilo is making lots of friends in this new place and I'm managing a social front. It's not like people are eager to be intimate and share about themselves in conversations with a stranger. I'm running all over the place but it's more in an unscheduled and sporadic sort of way, but I enjoy riding this wave of spontaneity, it seems to have shaken me out of my doldrums.
Being out here has given me the right kind of setting to be able to finally have honest conversations with myself. I'm afraid of losing its peace, but I'm starting to realize that I don't really have the kind of bonds that I would like to have in my life and the world is still so full of unknown.
Where do I start to build up that love within myself? How do I avoid a burn-out from giving too much to the wrong people without being overtly self indulgent, selfish and guarded? How do I begin to understand my path? How do I accept it? Where is my home base going to end up being? What are my gardening plans going to be this year? Am I buying a new car? What kind of housing am going to live in? What about canning? And flying back to Virginia? Am I ever going to speak to my father again? Will I give up all my wood-person ways and skill gathering plan for reintegration in the modern, plastic and convenience-filled way of life?
I thought I had everything figured out for this year, now everything is changing. There is steam coming out of my ears but I'm holding on to the idea of inner peace. My strategy right now, is to care for my daughter, care for myself and revise my options. We're going to be fine. I'm not sure how. So there's nothing to worry about.
: )
I choose to view myself rather lightly these days. Everything, as a matter of fact. I'm focusing on the idea of not worrying. I'm sure others will interpret it as selfishness of some sort, this attitude of mine. Matters not to me. And maybe it should. Perhaps then this wall I sense between me and everyone else would dissolve. But everyone maintains a wall. Everyone has a mask. It's a social thing. Assimilate or be ostracized, bitch. Here's the positive speech memo, get yourself faith and a smile, stop complaining and shut the fuck up. But try as I may I'm still bothered. I'm not sure if it's because I'm ungrateful and unable to count the blessings in my life. I thought I noted those things. Life's been tougher than usual but I've been thankful for this break.
People. Touch. The human smell. I wonder if there are any cultures left that sleep in a big puppy pile... I would like that. I almost yearn for it. This might be the root for my harem of husbands fantasy, I must admit. The alternative, to an adult 'cuddle-thon' is having an entire litter of kids and co-sleeping, but not only is that not ecologically friendly, but the idea of reproducing right now terrifies me. Not to mention, I've got my next offspring scheduled in 7 years and not anytime sooner. My grandmother had nine children and I've got all the respect for her but I could never do that.
Still... I wonder how badly most people recognize our need for a familiar, comforting touch. My repressed animal self wishes to lie in a pheromone pile somewhere really sunny. Perhaps if modern civilization collapses I will get my wish, though more in the 'Cro-magnon and in tune with the Earth' way and less 'Mad Max, zombie cannibalism' kind of way.
I have random, open conversations with people all the time. I like when it happens because I can walk away having learned something completely new that day. But I find that people are never really willing to let you in or be open for the most part, settling for that detached empty prattle I'm never able to attempt and and that has caused a huge closing in myself. I'm getting pretty lonely and I yearn for deep connections with people.
Community out here is nowhere near what it used to be, and a mile from what community looks like in Africa. Perhaps this might begin to start explaining why I feel like I'm walking around with antennas sticking out of my head! I was born in a different culture and I have a completely different appearance. You should hear what children say about Lilo and I, the way they stare bug-eyed! It reflects my interaction with people whenever I wonder back into Nelson, I'm just dealing with people who don't really know what to make of me, and that's an interesting experience. I listen to their observations with nothing more than amusement but it really reinforces the feeling that I am an alien floating further out of connection with the idea of being part of anything other than my big-headed self, dragging along my mini-me. And it's a painful one.
But I could just be a whiny brat here. My life is just as I wished it to be. But I want more. Does that really make me ungrateful? I'm appreciate of the swell in my chest and the re-ignition of the pain of these past four years, considering that a couple of years back I was numb and cold, absolutely unable to open myself again, to trust a love that was freely offered to me. I'm working to get myself out of these emotional quicksands, but I'm...unable to center myself emotionally. Full on sob fest some times, though those are getting rare, quiet contemplation most of the time. I've formulated enough ideas to give myself some sort of direction this year, which involves making choices I would rather not make. I should adapt to my new environment, sip the cool-aid and conform, why the fuck not. Why pay attention to feelings of needing so much more?
Dislike of purely spiritual mental states and shortness of temper- I can identify with that one. But I have my reasons. I've yet to find someone capable of guiding me through some of the unconventional experiences I've dealt with while in those states so I'll rather avoid them. That and it requires discipline which I've let go off in the past few months. I've got troubles focusing on my breathing and I'm at least making an effort to correct that. My diet, however, is in shambles. During my stay in Nelson I indulged in as much dairy and bread as I could dare intake, only to purge in the middle of the night or the next morning. I've not slept a lot these past few months either so I'm all out of wack.
I try not to let all of these mental aerobics stop me from conversing with people out in the streets but since I can't attempt a carefree demeanor it must show and I've been meeting a lot of people and not really feeling like I can keep up with the regular pace of life.
But I love talking to people and there's nothing more I love than having random, life altering conversations with absolute strangers. That is one of the things I miss about Vancouver. That and the freedom to roam all over the safe parts of town at all hours of the nights. Club hopping and trysting left and right, had I known what I was sacrificing, when I chose to hole up with him, had I had the awareness of the constriction I was placing on myself, would I have made the same choice?
I think I always knew in the back of my mind that being with Mitch was absolutely crazy. But that's also the reason why I flew arms wide open in that situation. I remember being convinced of our union being the beginning of something mystical, I remember being ecstatic at times with him, so happy to lose my self in hours of love making and whispering deep into the night...but our relationship was just such an impractical one.
Life to that point had been devoid of any real emotional awareness and I was an endorphin freak. It was easy to give myself to the fantasy then and when it proved to be just that and life got worse to the point of me losing almost all sense of self. Throwing myself into the unknown is what again catapulted me out of that mess into this...this in between that I've holed myself into. I'm not sure what this is. It feels like wanting, trying to understand, trying to protect myself and my child and not really being able to relax.The cards tell me it's a lot of things, selfishness, victim mentality and growth.
Growth is uncomfortable, growth is painful and confusing.
The Purple Castle of Avoidance. The place I've come to face my blocks but I'm nowhere near knocking these walls down, it seems. I've no idea where to start. I'm in self reliance mode and overwhelmed by the responsibility on my shoulders but I refuse to back down, or cave in, or even go as far as placing a mask on again in order to function. I thought I would come here and sit, in the peace intermittently polluted by the sound of pacing vehicles and finally have a conversation with the Overlords that be, my method of communication being Tarot cards and meditation but I feel like I'm getting to just feeling worse about some things and the situation I'm in and more inclined to change it.
I really think I've spread myself too thin between here and Nelson. It's madness, the amount of money I've spent on gas alone, not to mention wood, pretty much the most expensive camping trip ever. But I've come out of it more complete than I was when I arrived here.
One of the things I struggle to comprehend and meditate on is that all relationships are a lesson in one form or the other and I walk away from this situation with a better understanding of the person I want to be, though I wallowed in misery for quite a while before I came to that conclusion. I've learned a lot about who I want to surround myself with and how I want to treat others and be treated. In this case, by the end of the lesson all parties are so bitter they don't want anything to do with one another (but they want to further manipulate my daughter and I's lives which showcases their own strain of crazy) so I don't know how I can use that axiom to garner a better understanding of how I should manage these negative feelings. I'm taking the lesson, trying to abandon the book but it won't let me go.
My life is blessed. I've beyond been given everything that I could possibly need in terms of the material plane, though things seem a bit in shambles in my life right now, I'm aware of a force outside of my understanding of the physical plane working in my favor, watching over me. What I am right now, is so hungry for a connection, with my child, with the people around myself. Everything is spread out and I've lodged myself in the middle of here. I have to find a solution to this dilemma!
The divorce is a blessing in disguise. Everything about my separation from him and his family works in my benefit. Any pain I might have felt in the past, from clinging to any notions of him and I functioning as a healthy couple is long gone. It's his aunt I'm not quite sure what to make of. I have no qualms about her maintaining a relationship with my child, since she's been there for her from the start, but I am closed of to the idea of continuing a relationship with her.
Lilo is making lots of friends in this new place and I'm managing a social front. It's not like people are eager to be intimate and share about themselves in conversations with a stranger. I'm running all over the place but it's more in an unscheduled and sporadic sort of way, but I enjoy riding this wave of spontaneity, it seems to have shaken me out of my doldrums.
Being out here has given me the right kind of setting to be able to finally have honest conversations with myself. I'm afraid of losing its peace, but I'm starting to realize that I don't really have the kind of bonds that I would like to have in my life and the world is still so full of unknown.
Where do I start to build up that love within myself? How do I avoid a burn-out from giving too much to the wrong people without being overtly self indulgent, selfish and guarded? How do I begin to understand my path? How do I accept it? Where is my home base going to end up being? What are my gardening plans going to be this year? Am I buying a new car? What kind of housing am going to live in? What about canning? And flying back to Virginia? Am I ever going to speak to my father again? Will I give up all my wood-person ways and skill gathering plan for reintegration in the modern, plastic and convenience-filled way of life?
I thought I had everything figured out for this year, now everything is changing. There is steam coming out of my ears but I'm holding on to the idea of inner peace. My strategy right now, is to care for my daughter, care for myself and revise my options. We're going to be fine. I'm not sure how. So there's nothing to worry about.
: )
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