I've been having an interesting time here in Nelson. Perhaps it's the excitement of being around so many people, or just the rush of activities that we took on, but it's been an emotional roller coaster and I've been highly moody as I tend to be this time of the year. There are explosions going off in my heart space and I'm not certain what my next step ought to be. Summer, especially last one, I found myself suddenly grounding, with the physical exercise, hiking and meditation bringing some form of discipline to my life. Until everything changed.
Now with the sputtering and squeaking not to mention lack-of-braking of my car, I'm looking at a couple of months of immobility before I can get another vehicle. Which doesn't sound so bad. I could organize myself and finally spend more time working on my individual projects than I have in the past few months. It's been beyond hard, emotionally. I've fought hard with myself to slip on a mask of pseudo confidence and for a while felt a zeal mounting within myself, something that was probably exacerbated with my sudden awareness of an attractive man in my sphere of existence, but a phone call brought that all to a halt.
I didn't expect to hear from Sue again, and suddenly, I found myself in the same place I was emotionally when I left Calgary. That sense of intense victimization just overtakes me and I'm so angry all of a sudden I can't control myself. I sob and I rage. My mom asked me whether I was still so emotional about this situation because I was still in love with Mitch which is not true at all. Mitch is a complete stranger to me at this point, and I'm wondering if this is part of my avoidance pattern. He's done the same, we're complete strangers, and his mom is still trying to pull strings from behind the scene. And that just rubs me the wrong way. The fact that Sue decided to give in to her daughter's manipulations is a huge source of pain for me but that's my reason for wanting to just start all over with a clean slate out here. But I'm deeply achy in my heart space. I'm attempting patience and failing half of the time. And today's emotional scream fest informed me that this issue has not been resolved yet in myself.
I don't know what to do about it. I'm just so lost out here. Losing our metal horse is going to suck hard. I'm deeply failing at a structured form of spirituality, I've stopped dancing, I'm hormonal and uncomfortable and very sad some days. But others, and as of late, Lilo and I have found ourselves giggling and laughing like there was nothing to it and I've felt hope in the past month. Isolation has been hard with a three year old child. I don't know how I've made it this far too be honest. The well of strength that I'm able to tap into to keep me afloat seems to be getting low these days, but I've got the misfortune of coming from a line of overachieving women. It's been great on my body, I've become somewhat of a beast, in every good sense of the word. I could be again, more disciplined with my diet, but it's controlled comfort eating at this point. I'm allowing myself a few vices.
Page of Cups, Five of Swords. I'm trying to think about that one. I've been getting lots of cups lately. I've been so eager to gain control over myself and my child that I've forgotten why I'd gotten myself stuck out here in the first place. To regain freedom, to remember what it felt like to be me, instead of the repressed, sarcastic, bitter fuck toy my ex wanted me to be. To be far away from his toxicity that I might be able to experience love again. Grab life by the throat and finally stop limiting myself! I feel so out of touch with everything and everyone. But I make the effort constantly to connect people. Even if I can't pull up their name I never forget a face, at least, not that I remember, lol.
I guess I'm also not ready to forgive. The way I've chosen to deal with this situation emotionally is through repression. I've distanced myself physically from it and have allowed the daily activities of my new life to overtake that previous mindset. I also don't know whether I'm avoiding the city in order to not have to process people and their behaviors, and my behavior in response to theirs. I keep associating spirituality to asceticism and achieving a sense of detachment about everything but I guess that includes the harm inflicted on me and I don't seem to be over that one. I've also inflicted harm and I'm now probably harming Sue by blocking her out of our lives, but I'm overeager to protect myself and Lilo. Seclusion was my way of barricading myself against the world but I've found myself more lonely and starved emotionally. What happens when I forgive? If I forgive. I've told myself it's already happened but I cannot tolerate the thought of being near any of them.
The heart region of my chest is alive with flutters and waves, rolls of emotions. Most of it is pain, but there is joy, and I am so happy to find myself on the other side. I had to be selfish in order to secure my own path yet I find myself absolutely frail in my own faith right now. Perhaps it's the physical exhaustion, or the fact that I spent many nights awake because sleep escapes me. I've also felt my lower belly come alive. I'm trying to picture what the summer would look like. I will bury my fingers in the soil and dig next to Lilo. I will take steps to obtain my gun license. I may have to get a job to afford a decent truck. We will have to do a lot more canning. My job for the next two months is to secure Lilo and I living/garden space close to public transportation.
Losing the car would be a huge relief since the insurance bill makes my guts squeeze uncomfortably. Doesn't leave me as self sufficient as I would like to be but I think the idea of self sufficiency and independence from anything and everyone at this point is an illusion I would rather not perpetuate. I've taken this mental health break at the expense of many. I've survived the winter with the help of my neighbors. Life has been generous to my daughter and I. We've been blessed with friends. I've been making efforts to open up to people. I'm not sure why I found myself unable to enjoy that evening out a couple of days ago. What lesson have I yet to learn?
The Devil- Love is the vital element of intuitive knowledge. Since you can not "love" evil - choose never to enter its chaotic world or you can easily loose your way. Be an "outside" observer as you begin your journey to overcome the materialistic view of life. Overcome any thoughts of misery or depression, any feelings of being chained, imprisoned or the illusion that there is no other alternative. The feelings that love has turned into a trap and you are a "slave" to your desires. The experience of shame and helplessness as you give in to your desires - which eventually result in the acceptance of a bad situation or viewing unhappy conditions as normal and actually fighting against positive change.
I'm ready to embrace more simplicity if it would bring meaning to this complete restructuring of my life. Allowing the bush to swallow Lilo and I up might just be what Lilo and I need to find our equilibrium. I want to spend more time outside when it warms up! I want to hike constantly this summer. I want to find a way to shake this bitterness out of my life and learn how to live again.
I don't know how to deal with Sue and frankly I don't want to. I know I ought to take the moral high road, but right now it hurts. I hurt. And my life, despite having been filled with so much blessing as of late, is still devoid of emotional fulfillment. And the penance of water hauling and wood chopping is not too inspiring.
Now with the sputtering and squeaking not to mention lack-of-braking of my car, I'm looking at a couple of months of immobility before I can get another vehicle. Which doesn't sound so bad. I could organize myself and finally spend more time working on my individual projects than I have in the past few months. It's been beyond hard, emotionally. I've fought hard with myself to slip on a mask of pseudo confidence and for a while felt a zeal mounting within myself, something that was probably exacerbated with my sudden awareness of an attractive man in my sphere of existence, but a phone call brought that all to a halt.
I didn't expect to hear from Sue again, and suddenly, I found myself in the same place I was emotionally when I left Calgary. That sense of intense victimization just overtakes me and I'm so angry all of a sudden I can't control myself. I sob and I rage. My mom asked me whether I was still so emotional about this situation because I was still in love with Mitch which is not true at all. Mitch is a complete stranger to me at this point, and I'm wondering if this is part of my avoidance pattern. He's done the same, we're complete strangers, and his mom is still trying to pull strings from behind the scene. And that just rubs me the wrong way. The fact that Sue decided to give in to her daughter's manipulations is a huge source of pain for me but that's my reason for wanting to just start all over with a clean slate out here. But I'm deeply achy in my heart space. I'm attempting patience and failing half of the time. And today's emotional scream fest informed me that this issue has not been resolved yet in myself.
I don't know what to do about it. I'm just so lost out here. Losing our metal horse is going to suck hard. I'm deeply failing at a structured form of spirituality, I've stopped dancing, I'm hormonal and uncomfortable and very sad some days. But others, and as of late, Lilo and I have found ourselves giggling and laughing like there was nothing to it and I've felt hope in the past month. Isolation has been hard with a three year old child. I don't know how I've made it this far too be honest. The well of strength that I'm able to tap into to keep me afloat seems to be getting low these days, but I've got the misfortune of coming from a line of overachieving women. It's been great on my body, I've become somewhat of a beast, in every good sense of the word. I could be again, more disciplined with my diet, but it's controlled comfort eating at this point. I'm allowing myself a few vices.
Page of Cups, Five of Swords. I'm trying to think about that one. I've been getting lots of cups lately. I've been so eager to gain control over myself and my child that I've forgotten why I'd gotten myself stuck out here in the first place. To regain freedom, to remember what it felt like to be me, instead of the repressed, sarcastic, bitter fuck toy my ex wanted me to be. To be far away from his toxicity that I might be able to experience love again. Grab life by the throat and finally stop limiting myself! I feel so out of touch with everything and everyone. But I make the effort constantly to connect people. Even if I can't pull up their name I never forget a face, at least, not that I remember, lol.
I guess I'm also not ready to forgive. The way I've chosen to deal with this situation emotionally is through repression. I've distanced myself physically from it and have allowed the daily activities of my new life to overtake that previous mindset. I also don't know whether I'm avoiding the city in order to not have to process people and their behaviors, and my behavior in response to theirs. I keep associating spirituality to asceticism and achieving a sense of detachment about everything but I guess that includes the harm inflicted on me and I don't seem to be over that one. I've also inflicted harm and I'm now probably harming Sue by blocking her out of our lives, but I'm overeager to protect myself and Lilo. Seclusion was my way of barricading myself against the world but I've found myself more lonely and starved emotionally. What happens when I forgive? If I forgive. I've told myself it's already happened but I cannot tolerate the thought of being near any of them.
The heart region of my chest is alive with flutters and waves, rolls of emotions. Most of it is pain, but there is joy, and I am so happy to find myself on the other side. I had to be selfish in order to secure my own path yet I find myself absolutely frail in my own faith right now. Perhaps it's the physical exhaustion, or the fact that I spent many nights awake because sleep escapes me. I've also felt my lower belly come alive. I'm trying to picture what the summer would look like. I will bury my fingers in the soil and dig next to Lilo. I will take steps to obtain my gun license. I may have to get a job to afford a decent truck. We will have to do a lot more canning. My job for the next two months is to secure Lilo and I living/garden space close to public transportation.
Losing the car would be a huge relief since the insurance bill makes my guts squeeze uncomfortably. Doesn't leave me as self sufficient as I would like to be but I think the idea of self sufficiency and independence from anything and everyone at this point is an illusion I would rather not perpetuate. I've taken this mental health break at the expense of many. I've survived the winter with the help of my neighbors. Life has been generous to my daughter and I. We've been blessed with friends. I've been making efforts to open up to people. I'm not sure why I found myself unable to enjoy that evening out a couple of days ago. What lesson have I yet to learn?
The Devil- Love is the vital element of intuitive knowledge. Since you can not "love" evil - choose never to enter its chaotic world or you can easily loose your way. Be an "outside" observer as you begin your journey to overcome the materialistic view of life. Overcome any thoughts of misery or depression, any feelings of being chained, imprisoned or the illusion that there is no other alternative. The feelings that love has turned into a trap and you are a "slave" to your desires. The experience of shame and helplessness as you give in to your desires - which eventually result in the acceptance of a bad situation or viewing unhappy conditions as normal and actually fighting against positive change.
I'm ready to embrace more simplicity if it would bring meaning to this complete restructuring of my life. Allowing the bush to swallow Lilo and I up might just be what Lilo and I need to find our equilibrium. I want to spend more time outside when it warms up! I want to hike constantly this summer. I want to find a way to shake this bitterness out of my life and learn how to live again.
I don't know how to deal with Sue and frankly I don't want to. I know I ought to take the moral high road, but right now it hurts. I hurt. And my life, despite having been filled with so much blessing as of late, is still devoid of emotional fulfillment. And the penance of water hauling and wood chopping is not too inspiring.
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