I've got simplified views and goals in life. I'm a successful bumbler, always managing to squeeze by at the last minute. But I must have been born under a lucky star because fortune always smiles upon me. I've been blessed with a multitude of talents. I've landed in this awesome part of the world and have a beautiful child. We're not starving. Discipline however, has always been something I struggled with. My so-called-genius lies in the abstract and the free form. I'm an air sign. Sword. Ideas zipping through my craniums at a million mile a second. Most of my time is spent thinking. However, I'm not really too coordinated. Its been full on anarchy, no planning what so ever went into me settling myself out here. I've been wasteful and just dispersed mentally. I've also been incredibly sad. There were so many things I could have done out here, but ultimately I have not had the time and energy or even will to get as creative as I've wished to be.

This is why this move is such a blessing. I'm finally going to have the time to work on a few projects I've been ruminating for a bit, which would get me a step closer towards feeling capable and mighty again! My emotions have led me to isolate myself for the past 4 years. I thought I was fighting to be with someone who's love I thought worth fighting for, until I realized I was being toyed with. I then found true love offered to me but did not have the capacity to appreciate it.

Now here I am. Twenty three years old. Almost divorced. Alone in a foreign country with a child. Emotionally hungry. Disillusioned with almost all aspects of modern living. Weary of manipulative people. Disconnected from reality. Excited about the future and the freedom of possibility, all possibility. Aware of a stillness within myself. A calm that did not reside there a while ago. Experiencing the first sparks of love and happiness.

 I've got no social climbing schemes, no monetary goal, no desire for popularity. I've always valued creativity and spiritual goals above material ones. I've got agricultural hobbies and love for the land. I've got the astronomical task of raising this child on my own. As far as I'm concerned, life's going according to plan and I'm on my way to good things, but I guess many people perceive my situation  in a different manner. My opinion is that people are so conservative (in their own neo-hippie, liberated within the bounds of what's socially acceptable way) it makes me a bit uncomfortable and they are free to misjudge me as often as they wish! I'm aware of my negative reputation, perpetuated by cowards unwilling to acknowledge their own personal flaws. I wear it proudly, scales glistening, wings gliding through the fumes of dissent, I proudly don the shroud of the Dragon Lady, resplendent and awe-inducing in my supposed ugliness!

I'm certain that the compass in the center of my chest will from now on overwhelm any confusion that establishes itself in my life. In that process I now place true faith and vow to never ever allow myself to be manipulated out of my freedom and sense of self again.

It's time I concentrate my efforts on rebuilding a bubble of love around my daughter and I. Lilo's still yearning for people who have betrayed us and should not be allowed back into our lives. Destructive people who refuse to take responsibility for themselves and aid the ones around them escape responsibility for their actions against my child and I. Being the one shouldering the effects of their duplicity, I've got no desire to further deal with them, but recognize that Lilo has the right to have them in her life so she wish. And she has been calling for them since they turned their backs on her. I recognize my role in the demise of my relationship with Mitch...I was so eager to have my family that I did not realize his concerns had nothing to do with my child and I.  I hold myself responsible for maintaining belief in his lies and manipulation longer than I should have.

I'm not even going to elaborate on how I've made efforts to keep them in our lives but it created a sea of bitterness that resulted in so many blocks within myself. Yet they are still coming a'knocking for me (though now they want to use Lilo) to give them emotional relief. I understand that Mitch and Sue are that way because it is all they know. Blackmail and psychological abuse is they way they show love to each other in that family. And I've learned that I cannot maintain my mental health within that environment. I cannot trust them.

I once felt a lot of compassion for those two and believe that has been used against me repeatedly. Sue controls with money and games of affection. Mitch is forever pleasure-seeking and avoiding any responsibility he can. But they believe I should remain at their service. I don't have any more love to give to them. I barely have any left for myself and my child. However, since Sue has contributed to Lilo's upbringing, and since Lilo loves her so much, I am ready to work something out, as long as my child is protected from the raving lunacy of her daughter and the rest of her family.

So I've decided to take matters into my own hands and approach the Powers that Be with a request for a mate and a soul family. Lilo and I have been discussing the idea of a Practice Daddy, along with where we were going to live next and how we were going to enrich our lives. She's very eager for one. So am I. He should bring a new dynamic to our relationship. Which implies that he must, of course, be kid savvy. I pray he's an incredible source of love for my child and I. A friend who would enjoy spending time with us without being terrified out of his wits by how intense we can be. His behavior must be gentleman-like. He has to wear a coat of honor, he has to win my child's respect and affection. Lilo is enthusiastic about the prospect of him and is always telling me not to cry, and telling me that I should be happy and we should go out and go look for him, but I told her with this kind of magic, he will be drawn to us.

I'm tired of offering my cup to people who don't appreciate how much of an effort it takes to approach them and how rare it is for me to do so. I'm looking for someone who is ready to share his freely, instead of offering conditional, emotional stipulations. I need to be with someone who is not intimidated by my sexuality. Someone who's intuitive and kind, emotionally responsible and conscious. Tall and athletic, healthy, not obsessed. Must hike. A man who would not be intimidated by the amount of space that I need and my ability to make my own decisions. A man capable of playing, having fun, relaxing and sharing his inner child with Lilo and I. A gifted lover. A gardener.

My first choice would be a Taurus, Cancer then a Leo. An earth sign would be preferred, I'm terribly attracted to them. Scorpio, if I'm feeling adventurous...No bad boys, (Geminis are hit or miss) , Virgos, Capricorns, Libras or Aquarius. I'm not looking for someone to make me jump hoops in order to earn their love or stifle me after being attracted to my outlandish nature. No boys with mommy issues. No obsessions with money, status, career and self worth. I'll never make a good Stepford Wife so I have to find someone who accepts me as I am. I want something that develops slowly but I want to be let in.

I am seeking something in the likes of what I experienced with Jason. I remember the way my heart thumped when I first saw him. I used to think these flushes and waves meant something. I used to think any man who made me feel that way was somehow emotionally significant. I remember  immediately being consumed by a desire to throw myself at him. I am not sure whether or not I should even think of it when I'm trying to attract something new in my life, but I'm hooked on the idea of romance. It's a lot more hope inducing than a realistic view of what a relationship between me and someone else would entail, but Lilo and I can manifest this.

I've had a hard time finding it in myself to be thankful for what we have: Our freedom. The ability to start all over again and choose wisely. I'd been so caught up in the memory of all the negativity we've experienced these past 4 years that my ability to live life fully was crippled. But recently I've felt a change in myself and I feel as if I can once again make outlandish plans and execute most of them while I deal with the trappings of having an overactive imagination and an eager heart. I'm trusting in my path and praying to find the missing pieces of my hoped-for life. I don't think it selfish at all to desire a healthy love relationship with a spiritually mature and emotionally balanced adult. And for once, I actually believe myself worthy of it.

It's taking a while to tape my confidence back on, but I'm doing fine. My pride wounds easily and no amount of sitting with myself and making myself as a rock, pushing through all discomforts and needs has made this desire go away. It builds up until I'm unable to control myself and that happened twice last year. At first I thought if I found some sort of arrangement I might get the physical needs out of the way and keep my own life but I've learned the hard way about how easy it is for someone to dehumanize you when you make that kind of contract. I've also noticed that the majority of the men I attract are seeking some fetishistic scenario and those I feel an attraction for and approach are terrified of me, assume I'm only seeking a sexual connection or wouldn't consider a relationship with someone of my race.

I guess I come across as wild and rebellious, so on the edge of the norm with my exhibitions and superfluous speech, which I only adopt to emulate the detached script polite strangers follow in public meeting grounds across America. I'm distressed by the lack of depth in most of the conversation I have with people, lately. Save for one I had a couple of weeks ago with a friend. I felt really happy that she was able to open herself to me.
 
I've stifled myself in an attempt to please the people around me and it's not something I'm capable of managing much further. It took coming out here to remember what it felt like to be myself: spontaneous, loud, giggly and lusty. I've had to fight over and over again to regain sanity and emotional balance since I was a child, but as of late, the end of every emotional cycle finds me stronger and more willing to give life and love a chance, but I can't do it all myself. It's time for the right pieces to fall into place and complete the puzzle of our 'bright future'.