I remember waking up by his side the next morning filled with this unbearable pressure in my chest. The blanket was wrapped around our lower bodies but he was lying away from me. I tried to touch his hair again but it was as if I couldn't bring myself to. I had to get out of there right away. I slipped what I found on and went to the bathroom to clean myself up. Forgot my panties.
That was three months ago. You would think that would be enough time for me to come up with some form of logical assessment of my emotions...and reach some form of resolution but Venus retrogrades tend to bring issues like this back to the forefront. He's never shown any interest in me beyond the usual male seduction routine, and a very cheesy one at that. He's not that into me. I only think he does because he gave me a pair of boots and hands me his coat when I'm cold.
After I ran into the streets a few weeks ago I couldn't help but go back into that space of wishful thinking, of wanting him to want me as much as I want him. At this point I know it's me, because I always fall for emotionally unavailable men. And I despise myself for it and I am afraid of my own feelings and I am doubting my intuition.
At times like this, when I wake up every other morning nauseous with heartache because I realize how unrealistic my emotional expectations are, I feel like this is a disease, wanting this connection I can't find. I'm starting to think I'm not meant to find it. I'm starting to realize that I'm always going to be alone.
There's just responsibility and the eternal flickering flames of dreams and aspirations and work. And I'm so tired of it, but what can I do? Absolutely nothing. I'm just a sexual object with no feelings. But my love is supposed to spring eternal? It does, whether I want it to or not. I knew he didn't give a damn about me and I still wanted him. My 'feelings' are delusions and the results of my own unrestrained imagination, constantly looking to embellish and romanticize any sexual connections I engage in and they always end in disappointment and heartache.
I don't feel like there's much left in my chest. That's why I'm just avoiding a lot. I'm tired of faking a smile or interest in anything other than these inner spiritual goals and the child I must care for. That leaves little to no room for what I want the most.
That was three months ago. You would think that would be enough time for me to come up with some form of logical assessment of my emotions...and reach some form of resolution but Venus retrogrades tend to bring issues like this back to the forefront. He's never shown any interest in me beyond the usual male seduction routine, and a very cheesy one at that. He's not that into me. I only think he does because he gave me a pair of boots and hands me his coat when I'm cold.
After I ran into the streets a few weeks ago I couldn't help but go back into that space of wishful thinking, of wanting him to want me as much as I want him. At this point I know it's me, because I always fall for emotionally unavailable men. And I despise myself for it and I am afraid of my own feelings and I am doubting my intuition.
At times like this, when I wake up every other morning nauseous with heartache because I realize how unrealistic my emotional expectations are, I feel like this is a disease, wanting this connection I can't find. I'm starting to think I'm not meant to find it. I'm starting to realize that I'm always going to be alone.
There's just responsibility and the eternal flickering flames of dreams and aspirations and work. And I'm so tired of it, but what can I do? Absolutely nothing. I'm just a sexual object with no feelings. But my love is supposed to spring eternal? It does, whether I want it to or not. I knew he didn't give a damn about me and I still wanted him. My 'feelings' are delusions and the results of my own unrestrained imagination, constantly looking to embellish and romanticize any sexual connections I engage in and they always end in disappointment and heartache.
I don't feel like there's much left in my chest. That's why I'm just avoiding a lot. I'm tired of faking a smile or interest in anything other than these inner spiritual goals and the child I must care for. That leaves little to no room for what I want the most.
You hurt and you are lonely and want so bad the only medicine which could help - true love. But instead of the drug which would cure the root problem you only find pain killers which numb the nerves for a short while with sex. But sometimes these short term relief is good and necessary because it makes the waiting time bearable. You are young and sensual, you need fingers caressing you skin, kisses as french as they can get, lips sucking your nipples, a male bringing you to orgasm. That's part of nature and great. But I know if you desire someone its hard not to fill the heart with ones deepest wishes and that can reverses the painkilling into absurdity. If he is not the right one, it is better you know from start and not discover later. Your expectations are not at all unrealistic it just needs so many factors to come together to make it happen. I know so much about you so it is hard for me to understand how one can not fall in love with you.
ReplyDeleteI've got a head full of swords. Most men in these parts find that less than appealing.
ReplyDeleteIf you come with a head of swords so shall it be. Do they want to be Frankensteins and choose a head to their liking on this sexy body? You will never be the winner of the 'Most Uncomplicated Girlfriend of the Year' competition. But the aim is to love you unconditionally not just have an easy going innocuous way to satisfy male sexual needs.
DeleteI've only had one man in my entire life who 'seemed' to care for me in that manner. I guess this means I need to keep waiting.
DeleteWaiting and a bit of witchcraft if on hand. I'm sure there are plenty who would be enchanted by your loveliness, it's just getting them to pass through Slocan at the right time that makes it tricky.
DeleteI would go myself but I'm and always have been desperately bad with timing :(
Was it the one with the handcuffs whose love became too much to accept at the time partly because that horrible mistake Mitch showed up again?
I miss him... and his handcuffs. I miss being held and cared for. I honestly think there aren't any guys worth getting embroiled with around here for a reason. I would rather be celibate for the next five years than allow myself to be distracted by someone who just wants to use my body.
ReplyDelete(Damn I hate it if my computer eats my reply itself instead of passing it on to you)
DeleteI know but he is not the only good one, there are more of him somewhere and this earth and you will manage to find one of them again.
You are such an incredible strong woman but your strength has to last for two and every battery loses its energy at some stage if it is not recharged. Being bound, giving the power over to someone you trust and love for a short while is like recharging the life energy. Giving in in whatever he decides, concentrating just on the feeling, the sensual touch and letting the thoughts drift. Allowing to be the weak because of his and your love and not because some male hormones can not resist your infinite sexiness and want to carry home a trophy.
Celibacy or from time to time a handsome call-boy who just looks after your needs and than leaves.
Hahaha, I love you Gu : )
Delete<3
DeleteAGAIN.
ReplyDelete