I knew it was going to happen, I felt it build inside of me over the past week, since the last time I laid eyes on him. I wanted him, and I didn't want to, because I know I am not dealing with someone with an open heart and mine is far too cratered. I'm also realizing that every time I give myself to him I am drunk on wine. Every time I drink the stuff he's around. Also, I saw a button with the word 'Dionysus' prefaced by what I vaguely remember as 'Beware of---' Or perhaps it was 'Save---' Not sure. All I know is that omens are meant to be read. And I let go of my inner control.
He's older and condescending. Distant and he likes being in control. I tease and work for his attention. It's a game I've played before, it's a never ending dance and I know all the steps. It only gets confusing when he holds my hand or I gaze in his eyes. But my imagination is my greatest enemy.
I should have known that was what was drawing me to him but I never realize these things until I'm reeled in...I don't believe this will ever go further than this.
My life is in transition at the moment and I yearn for anchoring relationships. I'm afraid of allowing myself to get more attached than I already have and I'm not going to. My thoughts gallop at full force towards any possibility of attachment and they are always mere illusions. It's eventually going to get destructive and it's not good for me. If I'm never going to get the attention I seek, I shouldn't seek it anyway, I don't believe that he's in any way interested in a relationship and to be quite honest, neither am I. I'm just immature and Friday night's fun and he's sexual relief and we both know it.
How romantic. Fuck Romance.
I just want to move into the cabin of my dreams and work on my projects. I need to stop being so stupid.
He's older and condescending. Distant and he likes being in control. I tease and work for his attention. It's a game I've played before, it's a never ending dance and I know all the steps. It only gets confusing when he holds my hand or I gaze in his eyes. But my imagination is my greatest enemy.
I should have known that was what was drawing me to him but I never realize these things until I'm reeled in...I don't believe this will ever go further than this.
My life is in transition at the moment and I yearn for anchoring relationships. I'm afraid of allowing myself to get more attached than I already have and I'm not going to. My thoughts gallop at full force towards any possibility of attachment and they are always mere illusions. It's eventually going to get destructive and it's not good for me. If I'm never going to get the attention I seek, I shouldn't seek it anyway, I don't believe that he's in any way interested in a relationship and to be quite honest, neither am I. I'm just immature and Friday night's fun and he's sexual relief and we both know it.
How romantic. Fuck Romance.
I just want to move into the cabin of my dreams and work on my projects. I need to stop being so stupid.
Sounds like a recipe for emotional disaster but also unavoidable like the blow off steam out of an overheated pressure cooker :( Animal magnetism ganging up with subconsciousness. You deserve better.
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