Yesterday I went to sleep feeling like my heart was breaking in two. Right now I don't feel a fucking thing. And I don't care if I'm shielding right now, Prince Charming turned out (as usual) to be a fucking idiot and I'm jumping on the rose tinted glasses.
He wants children, but he doesn't want to have them with someone who already has children.
What I really wanted to tell him: Go. Fuck. Yourself. I'm sorry you had shitty experiences in the past. Thank you for projecting them on me. It's a common mistake.
Guess he wasn't thinking about that when he and I jumped each other. Now he writes he wants to be friends. Right. I think that translates into: I want the chance to fuck you again without you thinking you're good enough to have my child, or be in a relationship with me.
And just like that the fantasy broke in half. I could feel the feelings drain out of me as he spoke. I wish him luck on his hunt for a suitable, childless incubator. I can't believe I've ever felt anything for him. He could have said just about anything but that and I would have still wanted to have something with him. That was just about the dumbest thing I've ever heard a man utter.
Thank god I bled that night.
I could sense his controlling tendencies the moment I got involved with him. But I didn't care because they turned me on and he's been in my dreams for so long now I was just happy to finally lay with him. I wanted to kiss his brow and squeeze him tight. I wanted him to fuck me some more. I wanted to pick his brain and pretend to be impressed by his intelligence. Being near him felt so familiar. Even when I heard not so positive things about him I still was willing to risk it all just for the chance of exploring the cord that had drawn me to him, and exploring him, all of him, light and dark. Now I see I've just dodged a big bullet.
I've had my race, my sex, my education...just about anything held against me, and I've still managed to hold a certain amount of love for even the most despicable of man. Never have I been so utterly turned off, so quickly. I try to see the humanity in most. I honestly think he just wanted to get rid of me and distance himself. We hadn't seen each other since that festival, and I wanted a chance to talk which is why I agreed to meet up with him even though he started back pedaling the moment we communicated again. I was chasing that little itty bitty bit of magic I thought I experienced with him. I would have taken a 'Hey, I used to be interested, but I've changed my mind' a lot better than ' You have a child therefore I'm not willing to get involved with you'.
Next time, he should go for the 'Let's just be friends' cliche. He needs lessons on how to let a girl down easy. Wanting to tell me in person, over a cup of tea, is a false courtesy that masks the complete lack of compassion he has for anything other than his own interest. Takes a special King of Swords. Reminds me of me a bit.
You know what I'm thinking, I'm thinking he had all those negative experiences with his ex partners' children because they realized he didn't really like them. I think he felt threatened by them. Because he's afraid of that motherly love and he wants it all for himself. I pity and despise the poor girl who's dumb enough to breed with him. And yes, it's because half of me still wants her to be... me.
I had a dream three years ago about this same man, back when I was still in Alberta. Months before I saw him in person. And in that dream I kept dying, I lived many lives. I finally arrived on a beach with the strangest horizon and multiple suns that shone dimmer than ours does. My skin was dark and my hair was long and straight and I was East Indian. He formed out of the shadowy mist, looking just as he does today, with his silver hair and his broad shoulders and I knew immediately that we'd met before and that I loved him. Yet that same feeling of love was tinted with the swell of tears and a sob barely held in the back of my throat. I knew then that he'd hurt me before, and I should have known he was going to do it again.
I do not, ever, want to lay my eyes on him again.
He wants children, but he doesn't want to have them with someone who already has children.
What I really wanted to tell him: Go. Fuck. Yourself. I'm sorry you had shitty experiences in the past. Thank you for projecting them on me. It's a common mistake.
Guess he wasn't thinking about that when he and I jumped each other. Now he writes he wants to be friends. Right. I think that translates into: I want the chance to fuck you again without you thinking you're good enough to have my child, or be in a relationship with me.
And just like that the fantasy broke in half. I could feel the feelings drain out of me as he spoke. I wish him luck on his hunt for a suitable, childless incubator. I can't believe I've ever felt anything for him. He could have said just about anything but that and I would have still wanted to have something with him. That was just about the dumbest thing I've ever heard a man utter.
Thank god I bled that night.
I could sense his controlling tendencies the moment I got involved with him. But I didn't care because they turned me on and he's been in my dreams for so long now I was just happy to finally lay with him. I wanted to kiss his brow and squeeze him tight. I wanted him to fuck me some more. I wanted to pick his brain and pretend to be impressed by his intelligence. Being near him felt so familiar. Even when I heard not so positive things about him I still was willing to risk it all just for the chance of exploring the cord that had drawn me to him, and exploring him, all of him, light and dark. Now I see I've just dodged a big bullet.
I've had my race, my sex, my education...just about anything held against me, and I've still managed to hold a certain amount of love for even the most despicable of man. Never have I been so utterly turned off, so quickly. I try to see the humanity in most. I honestly think he just wanted to get rid of me and distance himself. We hadn't seen each other since that festival, and I wanted a chance to talk which is why I agreed to meet up with him even though he started back pedaling the moment we communicated again. I was chasing that little itty bitty bit of magic I thought I experienced with him. I would have taken a 'Hey, I used to be interested, but I've changed my mind' a lot better than ' You have a child therefore I'm not willing to get involved with you'.
Next time, he should go for the 'Let's just be friends' cliche. He needs lessons on how to let a girl down easy. Wanting to tell me in person, over a cup of tea, is a false courtesy that masks the complete lack of compassion he has for anything other than his own interest. Takes a special King of Swords. Reminds me of me a bit.
You know what I'm thinking, I'm thinking he had all those negative experiences with his ex partners' children because they realized he didn't really like them. I think he felt threatened by them. Because he's afraid of that motherly love and he wants it all for himself. I pity and despise the poor girl who's dumb enough to breed with him. And yes, it's because half of me still wants her to be... me.
I had a dream three years ago about this same man, back when I was still in Alberta. Months before I saw him in person. And in that dream I kept dying, I lived many lives. I finally arrived on a beach with the strangest horizon and multiple suns that shone dimmer than ours does. My skin was dark and my hair was long and straight and I was East Indian. He formed out of the shadowy mist, looking just as he does today, with his silver hair and his broad shoulders and I knew immediately that we'd met before and that I loved him. Yet that same feeling of love was tinted with the swell of tears and a sob barely held in the back of my throat. I knew then that he'd hurt me before, and I should have known he was going to do it again.
I do not, ever, want to lay my eyes on him again.
I guess you had to take your chance with him when you met your dream in reality, otherwise it would have haunted you for ever to have missed that opportunity. Although it will haunt you too as it turned out it, at least you gave it a chance and know that the attractive controlling and looks are paired with mindless egoistic dementia. I wished so much for you to find your happiness but in this case I'm so glad you found out rather sooner than later, than too late. One needs to be ashamed for such a Y chromosome carrier and I just hope he will never be able to pass on his genes to a next generation :( I know you still feel differently deep down, but I'm so thankful to Lilo that if this should ever happen, thanks to her you won't be involved in that crime to humanity.
ReplyDeleteI'm in a bad mood so I actually wish right now you would have kicked him very hard between his legs right there and than :(
I'm sorry you're in a bad mood : ( I hope he gets what he wants, actually. Even if it's not with me.
ReplyDeleteNo. I have to draw a line somewhere. He doesn't deserve what he wants. I'm slowly getting angry with all these idiots. Being feeble-minded is no excuse to hurt other people with insensitivity. He is not just insulting you but also Lilo and that's way too far over the limit. Grrrr
ReplyDeleteHe says that I don't respect him, but he sure hasn't shown me any. What the fuck am I supposed to do, fawn over him? I'm done giving and getting nothing in return.
ReplyDeleteWell you respect him by wishing him good luck to get what he wants. But obviously in his book you need to accept his views of the world and be on standby to satisfied his sexual urges whenever they rear their ugly head. A true dominant perception of an universe where a relationship is submission and other opinions equal disrespect and deserve a guilt-trip. A very viable constellation for those into D/s relationships, but otherwise not recommendable for people with an own opinion.
ReplyDeleteI somehow really hope he can't argue his way out of the dead-end street he maneuvered himself into and cause more harm.
I asked him to find himself an eighteen year old to break in. Clearly my opinions make me undesirable. However, I do enjoy being dominated, but only in bed. He's an older man and set in his ways, I'm sure he'll find a more suitable partner. I wish him luck.
ReplyDeleteI know you have this sexual preference and maybe it is an impossible thing to find a man who restricts his domination to the bed and treats you as equal partner in normal life. Maybe not impossible but bloody difficult. Gosh I just hope all eighteen year old girls have left the town by now.
ReplyDeleteCareful ladies. You will be inseminated.
ReplyDelete