Exhausted

I usually go full yeti after getting my heart shat on. But this time, I've decided to do something completely different. For once, I actually trimmed my toenails (and bush) because I wanted to. Not because it's expected of me. I've been washing my face. I've even cut the eating binge in half, though I needed it. But that's mostly to do with the fact that my anus and belly are in a world of pain and digestion is kind of an effort. I might go on a soup diet. I'm just glad my tits have filled up a bit. The space between the hips, ribby look is not working out.

Neither is my attraction to men. I keep going for the same guy and having the same experience over and over. And I'm not sure why I haven't learned my lesson yet. Maybe I'm addicted to sex with an emotionally detached partner, maybe I like being treated like shit. It's the only reason why I would just let myself become infatuated with the same kind of man over and over and over. Like I've not had my heart stomped on enough. As if I'm addicted to heartache and woe...

All I can think off at the moment is regaining control of my emotions and it's working. I'm feeling a little less exhausted and I think it's boosting my morale a bit. The difference between my eighteen year old self and I is that I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a pretty fucking delusional person when it comes to love and relationships. So when I suffer this type of massive collision with reality, it doesn't take weeks to recover any more. I accept the lesson I'm meant to glean from this experience. It's one I've learned plenty of times before. And really, I don't deserve a relationship until I learn to choose the right partner. And he/she is going to have to be absolutely different than what I keep going for. My 'unreciprocated' (and deep down, I always know they are)  feelings are meant to be held close, hidden behind the veil. I can even share them on a platform like this. I doubt I would actually, ever pursue them again. I'm ready for a partner who appreciates me. I know I deserve at least that.

I also forget to withhold any sexual interaction until I get what I want and most men do use that against me. Means I'm a slut and I won't give them a chase. Always slip on that last part. I don't sleep with men I don't feel strong emotions for. Men on the other hand, categorize their fucks and I'm always in the 'not worthy' pile. What gives? Some would say self-love...well I've got plenty of that. Enough to know now that I shouldn't seek validation in these impossible connections. I'm not going to get it. This last guy mentioned communication, but that's usually on their terms and not mine. Perhaps it's because I'm shy and I act like a little girl when I'm crushing, means I'm immature. Definitely not partner material. Never mind the life burden, that clearly means I'm irresponsible. Lacks social skills, has no money, never mind it means nothing to me in the long run, I just can't win in their eyes.

So this is the point where I retreat even further within myself and continue focusing on my own personal goals. Now that I'm not deluding myself in love, I can spend more time developing and creating. I'm not too inspired at the moment, but something will spark eventually. 

 Humans are simple creatures and easy enough to read until my emotions get in the way. Then I become someone I don't like. Jealous and possessive, wasting my thoughts and anguishing for nothing. I'm distracted, constantly horny and over emotional. Then they think I don't have my shit together and I'm easy to manipulate and sometimes I'm too addicted to the sex to just break away. I don't have my shit together, actually. I'm having a hard time accepting the situation I've placed my self in. My ex husband is a clout over my life. He is a disease I need to legislatively remove from my system and he needs to start forking over some cash before trying to use my daughter as a pawn to manipulate me. And by him, I mean his sociopathic mother.