Am I doing this to my self? Is my mind putting me through a gauntlet in order to force understanding out of my misery or am I just trying to punish myself from daring to reach out of myself? All I want to do is wrap myself in layers and layers and make myself unreachable again. I crave safety and I will have it in isolation and nothing else, it seems. I want to take a scouring pad to my heart and mind and erase his face from it.

I hear the words of my father telling me not to engage in relationships with people like him and I remember setting a personal challenge to myself, that I was going to prove him wrong, that love comes in all color, age, shape combinations and could triumph over anything, but I didn't take in account the fact that in the eyes of the men I keep going for, I am not good enough. What karmic lesson am I to glean from this?

I don't want to become like my father or to think like him. I don't want to become what this man's idea of a perfect mate might be in order to make myself more appealing to others like him. I just want to disappear from this world all together really, because it breaks my heart.