My heart is confused yet at peace, it's a hard one to explain. Perhaps I've been able to reach emotional depths that have been just out of reach until recently. Taking more time to sort through my anger, what is reaction to a major feeling of alienation due to ladidah....and I spend time in mazes in my head. It's a lot funner than facing reality.

Seven years in this country and I'm not sure if I want to sink my roots in it. How can I settle somewhere I know I would have to fight tooth and nail to have and maintain a family? Where cultural differences and inherent prejudices make it impossible for me to really dare cross that line with trust? I have a hard time making plans and goals knowing that this place will never truly be home. I have a hard time summoning the amount of courage and strength necessary to push on knowing that I don't have any reliable support out here. I have no idea what to do other than hope something opens up in the way of work opportunities so I can actually formulate an exit plan.