I'm tired of getting hurt and I want to learn how to protect myself. But in order to do so I have to fit into these rules I find so arbitrary. A man can look at me in the eyes and claim that sexual acts are sacred, then treat it as an act as common as wiping his own ass, which is seriously what it made me feel like after wards. When all the pieces feel into place and I saw who I allowed into myself I just couldn't believe how naive I had been. It's hard to think myself free to express myself and act on feelings I believe to be as sacred when the person I'm projecting this image of love and reciprocity on is in no way connected. And it fucking hurts that despite keeping to myself and attempting to properly discern the feelings I experience, I still make mistakes... like allowing myself to imagine reciprocity when it's not there and allowing myself to be sexual with that person.

I can't handle being treated like someone who's not emotionally connected to sex. Fact is, if I'm fucking you, I'm in love with you!

I am very angry and despite that, I'm trying to take responsibility for the fact that I allowed it to happened ... it fucking hurts. I was caught up in a moment and let go of my self control and it feels like I injured myself.

I allowed someone else to reduce what I believed to be sacred into nothing. I allowed that to happen by opening myself to them. And my legs.

 I feel so dirty. I was so disgusted with myself when I walked past him on Valentine's day. I actually felt the ground shift a little from under me and was like 'great. I'm going to faint in front of this fucker' while he's making sexy eyes at some chick. Wouldn't that have been the icing on the embarrassment cake.

I feel flawed and I'm trying not to see myself in that way. I am trying not to have resentment towards anyone or anything but there is this building resentment against this city, the people in it. The men who stare at me knowing I don't amount to any more than an exotic fuck toy in their eyes. I can't fucking stand it. I would rather be at home sometimes than go out in the streets and start talking to someone, lest I start believing again, myself capable of just engaging in relationships as easily as some women do. And every time I see him it feels like a knife is entering my chest. I can't stand it.

I don't want to be touched by anyone who thinks that laying with me is insignificant, because the amount of emotional effort it takes for me to get to that point with a guy is far too significant to be reduced in any way. I can't handle how much hurt I feel every time I see him knowing how meaningless this experience has been and truly I'm not sure why I'm in so much pain. I embrace detachment yet there's unexplainable sorrow and desire to do something about it...but I can't. Perhaps it's the accumulation of all my negative romantic experiences all crashing down around me. I don't want to be lonely and isolated and miserable. I don't want to reach out and get burned. I don't want to be attracted to men who aren't spiritually connected with themselves.

I really fail to understand how men can have multiple partners without attachment when a sexual experience for me sometimes almost amounts to a possession. I could feel him on my lips and inside of me for days after we were together. I closed my eyes and he was there. Sleep only offered temporary relief if he wasn't in my dreams already. How the fuck can you hop from one partner to the next so easily when it's such a FUCKING INTRUSIVE act?

Please, someone teach me how, cause clearly it's a skill I need. Because my options are to remain alone and miserable or be granted the fortune of finally meeting someone who wants to connect on a deeper level. I want to purge myself of this experience and move on to something better.