Nothing really matters, nothing brings joy
Rivelets of tears trickle through the dissolution
Of stress induced delusion and phantasm
Straw castles built on incompatibility and folly  

And the heart that once dreamt of gravity defying love
Is pierced by the swords of a despotic mind
Down to its last defense, repel at all costs

The heart, bitterness-clogged and tangled arteries,
Spews through its sieved armor a smog of anguish
Tars and permeates through the rest of my organs
Full system shut down alert antibodies
This heartbreak threatens full cardiac arrest  

Skin grows thin in this sad in-between
Gradually worn out by a clout of replicating confusion
Of seductive smiles that lead to shame
And the awareness of a beast I fail to tame

Human shaped tempest starting to disintegrate
Inducing embrace with fantasy to avoid reality
Reducing itself into a vessel for your need

The heart, bitterness-clogged and tangled arteries,
Spews through its sieved armor a smog of anguish
Tars and permeates through the rest of my organs
Full system shut down alert antibodies
This heartbreak threatens full cardiac arrest 

Chasing the illusion of oneness
In the kiss of strangers and you yet another
Face in which I sought a glimmer of reciprocity
Lured by a traitor of a heart that latches on blindly

It shatters at the sight of your happiness with another
Though it throbs so much I am unable to discern
Previous wounds from my own feelings of inadequacy 

Waiting for the feelings to empty like the last grains of sands
Through the narrow into oblivion
(Waiting)For time and swords to clear all that do not serve I

And detachment soothes the heart that grows frail and lost
In dissapointment and failure, knocked by growing pains

Nothing really matters, nothing is the only thing that brings joy

So before you go and think I'm suicidal, which is what happens every time I write a poem...or in this case a song...this is not the song I intended to write! I downloaded a Kutmah set from Soundcloud and fell in love with this sample. This beautiful sample I have listened to over and over again since splicing it two days ago is currently making my ears sing as we speak, and eager to actually finally go through on a musical idea, I decided I was going to involve my french rapper of an uncle in the project. I'm afraid I might have to rap as well. I don't know why I'm ignoring the pile of sewing sitting in front of me. Or the paintings lying in the corner, the magical grimoires, the woodcarving, the hula hooping ... I've got to pen a french/english rap song. About self esteem. 

I applied for a job at the bakery but I can't work the hours they are offering. I can't find a fucking job in this town. May as well become a french rapper. What the fuck else is a girl to do for a fucking living? Go into debt with student loans and rebuild my work life? No bueno, consuegro. The only subject I would want to study in an academic setting at this point is musical theory. Which would prove really useful in the long run. Help me figure out the accordion. Make writing music a lot easier. Tie in with my sound editing roots. Clearly the cop thing isn't bound to work out with my questionable health, which sucks buffalo balls. But the eccentricity would have eventually given me away.