I realize now in retrospect that I needed to come to this town to have the rest of my idealism stomped out of me. And now what's left is a need for direction, though I've always lacked that. The compass I've relied on has been my heart and dreams, but those have left me absolutely broken. Now what? I'm too pessimistic, according to some. Yet no one else is here to shoulder the burden I've placed on myself, by crossing that line. By daring to think that we were all one and the same. By being too naive about the man I allowed myself to breed with. I want to fly free from here. Wherever I go I'll be sure to have my eyes open, can't shut them down. Not enough idealism.

There's a giant box containing a four hundred dollar I.U.D. sitting on my table. I have the scope surgery this month. This fancy device is supposedly better than the copper torture device they previously inserted inside of me. But the birth control pill is making me bleed three weeks at a time so I'm taking my chances. The only reason why I'm letting them insert that in me, though I am not sexually active, is the fear of being impregnated by anyone like my ex. Or the other one.