And I don't know why he keeps reaching out with pathetic attempts at what exactly? He wants to be friends, he wants to be with Lilo and I...consistence at this point is the only thing I ask of him.
I'm trying to not give a damn. And I don't.
And that's the problem. I feel like an explosion went off inside of me and now my chest cavity is hollow. I'm numb, I can't reciprocate affection very well, I definitely cannot be in a relationship with ND because I just feel this smoking crater where all that love I once had used to just overflow. I'm damaged, beyond repair, it feels. I don't think I want to...I know I don't want to get married again.
He might call it a mistake to hurt me, but if it was a mistake for him it was what I wanted. I loved him and I wanted us to lean on each other and work through everything together. Instead he cheated on me, became paranoid about me cheating on him, became violent, then started ignoring me, went out of his way to make me feel irrelevant, only to start going back and forth about wanting to be with me...and the whole time I'm just hanging on like an idiot, trying to understand what is wrong with him, then I got it.
Wherever there's a will, there's a way. And if you sit in front of me and tell me ten different reasons why you can't do what I'm asking you to do, it's because you don't want to do it.
So I don't get the emailing and facebooking 5-10 times a day, to let me know that he's coming back to calgary...I mean, he's given up on our relationship and doesn't even acknowledge Lilo except of some half-assed question about how she's doing once a month. Oh he'll tell everyone else how he supposedly cares about his daughter, others he doesn't even mention her existence. But that's my ex for you. He's just that kind of stellar human being constantly looking to blame everything but himself for his problems.
I don't know why being morally conscious comes easy to some, and seems like rocket science to others. But seeing the environment those people come from really helps in trying to understand why some people are the way they are. Doesn't justify their behavior, just makes you understand why they hurt you the way they do.
I don't know. I don't see marrying him as a mistake, though he did nothing to further our relationship. I married someone I loved, and now I have a baby I love even more. And if he chose to be miserable instead of enjoying our little miracle, that's his own problem. I loved, it was beautiful and now I just got to get through the pain and hopefully heal.
That's all I want now. Making an effort to mend things with me after going out of his way to make me and his daughter suffer? Using his imaginary and 'diagnosed' illness as a reason to be generally lazy?
If you realize that you are bringing nothing positive to someone's life you have two options: change or gtfo.
If you want to get back with someone, talk less, do more positive, relationship building kind of things. Prove that you mean well.
If you can't find it in yourself to be compassionate, just go away.
If you can't be consistent, don't drag others around 'not' making your mind up. No one (certainly not me) would give a fuq after a while.
Last but not least, if you find love with another person, cherish it. Make sure he's an equal and don't let yourself be fooled by the initial, chemical, pherominical reaction. When I first met Mitch I felt it deep inside of me, that I'd found someone truly special to me. And look at what happened! It's just not ever a good idea to open one's self that way, so keep a piece of your heart for yourself, and give it away only when the object of your affection has proved worthy of it. Because the alternative, which is handing over your whole heart to someone who doesn't take good care of things in his possession ( another big sign that this guy's bad news), the alternative is something I wouldn't wish on a lot of people.
And you know how I am with spewing the malevolence...
I just want to wake up and find this all behind me.
What the hell is wrong with people?
a big, general what the fuck.
I just want to be free of this...dissapointment that doesn't seem to fade away. It's draining the taste out of my mouth, it's seriously dampening my ability to move forward and love again.
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